How to handle pushy narcissistic mother?

[Fuckloadofcheese]

Hi all, need some advice.

I have a strained relationship with my mum. She has always been quite an eccentric, odd person and very selfish. When my lovely dad died (who she was long divorced from) she made it all about her, and demanded to see the will first and ranted about he ‘only’ left her a grand. She kept saying to me she wanted some of the money he left me. She had no concern for how I felt having just lost my dad.

When my dd was born she went gaga over her and wanted to be round constantly, but she’d do weird things like demand we dress baby dd in certain outfits for her to see her in or call her whenever dd had her eyes open so she could race round and photograph her!

We decided to relocate to get more house for our money when dd was 5, to 45 mins away from her. She bawled down the phone at me saying how could I do this to her for over an hour.

Since we moved down here she continually messages me asking to visit. Literally every couple of days. She lays it on thick saying I’m the only family she’s got (she’s fallen out with the others or hates them) and trying to manipulate me. When she comes down all she does is bang on about horrible fights she is embroiled in with people and can often make narky comments at us. In all honesty we don’t want her to visit anymore. But she just won’t stop. The other day I snapped and told her to stop hammering me over visiting and we had an argument. She went quiet for a few days but is now back going on again. I can handle a visit every few months but other than that I want this to stop, please advise!

Have a read of THIS BOOK
Do some googling and reading.
You are still stuck in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) but are starting to break away.
I hope you kept to your DDads wishes regarding the will!?

I’ll read that, thank you. In the mean time can someone help me with how to control this situation?
No I didn’t give her more money.

Please tell me you didn't give her money from your Dad's Will!!

The only thing you can do with a narcisstic person is no contact or very strong boundaries. So if visiting every few months is your cooing mechanism just state that and keep repeating it.
How was your mum to you when growing up? Narcisstic people tend to triangulate which could be with your daughter, you will be the bad person and she might be lovely to your daughter in an attempt to isolate you. Something to watch out for.

Strong boundaries, grey rock or no contact are the only responses.
Don't ever argue with them..JADE, justify, argue, defend or explain. This is such a tough task as most people will be rational but a narcissist will never be so no amount of discussion will make them see your viewpoint.

No I didn’t!

She was never a cuddly or warm mum. I was always much closer to my dad. She would blame me for things that I felt were unfair. And she went mad at me when I moved out at 25 saying how could I do this to her etc.

Luckily dd has recognised that she’s nutty and odd already so the charm offensive wouldn’t work anyway. But yes she is forever giving dd money and sending cards and shit through the post.

You’re right re arguing being fruitless.

Ok so how do I lay down a strong boundary and say to her we will just see her once every four months or something?

I suspect no matter what I say she will continually hammer me and send tearful emails about how I’ve treated her badly.

Narcissists actively rail against boundaries so I would not even bother to see her once every 4 months. Doing so will just stress you out prior to seeing her once every 4 months.

She has not fundamentally altered since your own childhood. Do not acknowledge anything she sends; shred these items or otherwise dispose of instead.

Block her means of contacting you. It is not possible to have a relationship with someone so disordered of thinking and its not your fault she is the ways she is.

You can keep in low contact and keep all conversations light and fluffy. You don't need to give info about your life and just let her talk about herself. Just nod and smile or no contact. Whichever

Ultimately I had to go No contact as low contact didn't work. I found it too stressful when I did see her. Just so manipulative. She doesn't recognise boundaries and it didn't make it any better (for me).

And she started using the same tricks on my teenage dds as she used to on me. (including criticising their weight). That was enough to cut contact for me.

Ultimately I got to my age, and made a decision that I only want people and things in my life that make me feel good.

The grey rock approach may help you if you wish to keep in contact. Basically you smile and nod, tell her nothing about yourself and be as boring as you possibly can.

In terms of visiting it may not be helpful to tell her in terms that she can come every four months and that's her lot. It may be easier to waffle and say things like "oh this month is really busy, maybe next month, I'll let you know" and just keep pushing the time. But it may be easier just to lay down the law and stick to it. If you are going to lay down the law, though, bear in mind that you MUST stick to it. She will likely try to wear you down and if you waver even once then she knows she can beat you and you are on a never-ending spiral of hassle, at which point you may feel forced to go no contact.

All that said, if you are truly OK with going no contact, and feel justified in denying contact to your DD (I make no judgement on this, but it is a consideration) then just go no contact.

There is no handling, finding common ground, or reasoning with people like your mother. Unfortunately, the burden to change is on you. YOU are the one who has to make rock solid boundaries that you will not allow her to breach. She kicks off on the phone, you tell her the conversation is over and you hang up. She tries to tell you how to parent, you tell her to keep her mouth shut. You can't give her an inch, and you certainly can't worry about upsetting her because you will never please her anyway.