Fuck. I cheated.

[WhatthefeckdidIjustdo]

I’m a terrible person

I know so many people will say that I should have left before it got to that, but I didn’t realize it had got to that point. Does that make any sense?

I was away with work and met a man in a hotel bar. I can’t get him out of my head.

It’s been 6 years since I’ve had sex with my husband. He’s an alcoholic and can be very verbally abusive when drinking. He’s been on the wagon for 6 months now.

Before I went away I found out about as a minimum an emotional affair he’s been having with a colleague. Not certain I believe it’s not been physical.

We live overseas and both our families back home are having major stresses which isn’t helping our frames of mind. Also means separating would be bad all round.

I can’t get this guy out of my head. I don’t even think it’s about the guy - I think it’s about feeling wanted.

The other ongoing thread about kissing in a long term relationship made me realize I can’t remember the last time I kissed my husband. Quick pecks on the lips or cheeks before bed etc are done, but snogged his face off? Or even wanted to properly make out with him? No idea.

The sex with the other man wasn’t even earth shattering. It was fine. But what felt amazing was having someone who wanted to kiss me, touch me, and it made me feel good about myself for the first time in so long.

I can’t talk to anyone about this. My only person to talk to, my best mate, is currently going through a divorce because her husband cheated.

We’ve been together 17 years. Married 15.

I don’t know what I want out of this thread. I just need to get it off my chest somehow.

You need to leave. For a casual pickup to be better than a long term relationship, there isn't enough left for it to be right for you to stay.

You don't have to tell your husband about it. Chances are that he'll accuse you of it in any case.

But you do need to leave. Your life will be immeasurably happier without an abusive drunk (who is likely to hold the 'If you don't do x or y, I'll just start drinking again and it'll be all your fault' shit over your head) in it.

Do you want to be in the relationship still? If not, end it. People cheat for all kinds of reasons, and the lack of engagement with your own emotions and the state of your relationship is one of them. Sometimes, it requires someone else to jolt you into that realisation that the relationship you're in, isn't right anymore. Yes, it's not the best way to end things, and no, it doesn't make it easy for anyone...but i don't think it makes you a terrible person. It makes you human, and a human who has dealt with a difficult emotional situation badly, which lots of us do. Go and see a counsellor if you don't have anyone to talk to in real life and can afford a few appointments, to help you process through your actions and your feelings.

FWIW, that your OH is also engaged in an affair probably subconsciously made you feel like you had 'permission' to do this. It's not helpful in the long run, but you've done it now. It doesn't sound like either of you are happy in the relationship, and some difficult conversations need to be had.

You're not a terrible person, and i'm not going easy on you because you're a woman, I always say that cheating is not always black and white, and any person who is subject to any kind of abuse can be so broken down that if they get some attention and someone makes them feel good then I can easily see how that person would cheat, it gives them some much wanted comfort, or even hope.

People in abusive relationships often need a push to leave...and sometimes that push comes from interest from another person. It shows you that you're a person, that there's hope that you could be happy, that you're not all the horrible or pathetic things that the abusive partner paints you as.

Thank you for not immediately thinking I’m terrible.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this today. I was thinking we’re in a very codependent relationship. But we’re not. I can’t think of anything I get out of the relationship apart from someone to do the early morning dog walks and a companion, a friend.

The concept of ‘permission’. I’ve thought about that a lot. In some ways it’s made me realize he probably has actually slept with her, if he felt anything like I did, of course he has. So why shouldn’t I. Thats what’s making me feel bad.

Comfort and hope. Yes. I’ve been overweight for years. My ex dumped me because I’d put weight on (I’d gone up to a size 12, heaven forbid) and told me no man would ever want me because I was so hideous. I met DH who was overweight and loved eating out. I think, subconsciously, I gained weight when happy as kind of a fuck you to my ex. I’ve recently lost weight and feel much better about myself. And I think this ‘attention’ has made me see that perhaps I wasn’t considering leaving because I thought I’d be fat and alone forever. (I’m now back down to a 12 from a 20 and yes, it was this guy’s attention last week that’s made me realize that maybe I could find someone else)

And this is going to sound stupid, but thanks Mitzi for referring to this as a casual pick up. That’s clearly what he thinks about it (yes, I’ve sent him a message. And he hasn’t even read it). I need to stop thinking about him as a potential, erm, repeat situation and think of it casual. I need that kick up the arse.

Think of it as a wake up call to take stock of your life. Your dh is a loser and you deserve so much more.
Ltb.
And start living.

Your marriage has essentially been all but officially over for years. Now it just serves to tie you to your jailor.

You had a moment of freedom and now you can see what it has to offer you, I hope you take the initiative to finally separate from your husband. You don't need to tell him anything, you don't owe him any apologies.

He's cheated, you've cheated, your relationship is abusive and it's time to walk away.

You’re not a terrible person, you’re just human. I think you need to leave your marriage though, it doesn’t sound good and you’ve been shown now that you can find new happiness (not with this guy necessarily but someone else). Live your life! (It was my thread about the kissing in a LTR by the way, I should probably listen to my own advice...)

I know so many people will say that I should have left before it got to that, but I didn’t realize it had got to that point. Does that make any sense?

No. There's never an excuse to cheat. I also don't get why people bed hop. Does no one want to leave a relationship they aren't happy in and have some me time?! I don't get it. Each to their own though.

But you know you did wrong. Doesn't make it ok. Your husband may not be a great person in your eyes or from what you described. So leave. Then you can sleep around all you want.

Sorry I don't sugar coat when it comes to cheating, regardless of the circumstances I've never seen a good reason posted yet, seen lots of excuses trying to justify, none of them good.

If your husband is as bad as you say I don't know why you haven't left, instead you're just as bad, disrespectful, etc by doing what you did.

And to add, as you're female you won't cop it half as much as a man coming on here who cheated or a woman posting about her cheating husband. Apparently if you're female it's OK, you were pushed into it, if you're male you're scum, which I totally disagree with - all cheaters are in the same category regardless of their gender.

My ex is an alcoholic and we didn't have sex for over 4 years. He was nasty, demanding and physically abusive. I was tempted to cheat but didn't so I left him. I don't like cheating but in your situation the relationship seems to be over and 6 years is a long time to go without sex. With the way his behaviour is affecting you also you will be craving affection, most people would be.

You haven't committed a crime OP, which is what a lot of posters on here seem to think is on par with cheating.

Things are rarely black and white and it can be something like this which gives you the push to leave.

Your marriage sounds terrible. Leave and finally start enjoying yourself. You only get 1 life.

You’re not a terrible person. You have however made a mistake.

Your marriage sounds toxic. Call time on it.

For “cheating” to be bad there has to be a relationship that can actually be damaged and it sounds like you barely had one anyway. I’d focus on your future and not on any shame around cheating as it sounds like you barely did.