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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend making horrible comment

24 replies

purplepolo · 25/10/2019 11:56

My partner had an affair a year ago, i decided to forgive and move on and weve been ok and slowly built our trust back up.

Had an argument with a friend, and the last thing she said was 'atleast my husband didnt go round fucking another woman, and when hes out you dont want to know half the stuff he says about other women'

Completly irrelevant to what we were talking about anyway, and she blocked me straight after not allowing me to even respond to her. It was as if she was trying to tell me 'new news' and tbh I had no idea she knew, so im almost embarrassed by it.

I dont know why but ive really let it get to me, i had forgotten about it, and me and partner have been fine. The last comment really got to me as i thought he wouldnt do that and i dont know whether shes just saying it to get under my skin or if partner has actually been doing just that.

Ive been a mess, as i thought i was over it and feel like im back to square one, i feel like i dont even want partner to go out, or im paranoid again about who hes messaging. Its just really shit again and i dont really know what to do to get over it again as her comments are just going round and round in my head, which obviously is what she wanted. Makes me think how many other people in the group know! I didnt think anyone did, i just want to hide away :(

OP posts:

mbosnz · 25/10/2019 12:03

That was a horrible thing to say. She's clearly no friend.

Just remember though, you've done nothing wrong. You've done nothing to be ashamed of. What your partner did, was no reflection on you, even if a vindictive little snake sought to make you feel bad about yourself by misusing such information in such a manner.

I don't know, I've never been in this situation - would it be possible to talk about this with your partner? Could it be useful, and would he be able to be supportive of you? And reassure you?

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2019 12:04

Well this was in the heat of an argument, what did you say to her that caused her to react like that and block you?

As for the fact he had an affair last year you'd forgotten about, are you sure? That sounds highly unlikely. I'd assume you're kidding yourself, and yeah he might be a sleaze when he's out. We can't guess that,

I'd also assume they all know. I'm sorry. Were you really thinking it was ok if no one else knew?

cheesecadet · 25/10/2019 13:09

What did you say to her to make her angry?

Original poster

purplepolo · 25/10/2019 14:49

We were already mid argument about money troubles - and then I turned it to drugs as i mentioned about her partners drug (coke) habit isnt going to help especially when shes due a baby soon. That he shouldnt even be doing that when hes got a newborn baby to consider, and probably shouldnt be doing it full stop, dont think she liked that. I have been distancing myself from her but she initiated the conversation, ive been keeping my distance as shes even said that when shes not pregnant she'll still get the chance to go out and do coke

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 25/10/2019 14:54

You started the shit talk about partners first and she retaliated. That’s what happens in an argument.

CalmFizz · 25/10/2019 14:56

It sounds like you both have bad taste in men. Just avoid each other.

Original poster

purplepolo · 25/10/2019 15:03

What i said isnt spiteful though, shes complaining about money, and its simply a fact that cokes expensive and it where most of their money is going on. What she then said to me was completly off topic to what we were even talking about so i dont get it

OP posts:

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 15:13

Yes you talked negatively about her partner so she retaliated. You literally started this.

jennymanara · 25/10/2019 15:15

Op you were mid-argument. So yes it will have come across as spiteful. If you were concerned, you would have talked to her about the coke when you were both calm.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 25/10/2019 15:18

The pair of you need to grow up. You both sound as if you made bad choices when it comes to men.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 25/10/2019 15:18

What i said isnt spiteful though... its simply a fact

If your DP is fucking other women or talking about them in a way your friend knows you'd hate that's a fact too and no more spiteful than your comments. Indeed some might think she was trying to do you a favour, however tactlessly expressed.

You have repeatedly said that your friend's remarks were off topic but given that you were criticizing her DP it's not remotely unreasonable that she returned the favour.

I don't believe for a minute that you have forgotten your DP's infidelity. It was a year ago, FFS. Pretending you've forgotten is really unhealthy. I'm not surprised your friend felt the need to burst your bubble if you're in denial.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 25/10/2019 15:22

So you hadn’t told her your DH had cheated? So she’s heard from someone else? And heard that he’s saying things about other women? Any chance he’s still at it OP?

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2019 15:23

Blimey. Hers is a coke head and yours is a cheat.

I’m afraid you started it OP. It’s not her fault her boyfriend is an addict she snorting money which they need for their baby up his nose. Tad victim blaming don’t you think? She no more stop him doing drugs than you can stop yours fucking other women but at least you’re not pregnant, that you’ve mentioned

If you’ve got justifiable trust issues then deal with them. It’s not her fault. While what she said was unkind, you didn’t cover yourself in glory.

monkeymonkey2010 · 25/10/2019 15:37

What she then said to me was completly off topic to what we were even talking about so i dont get it
You basically called her out on her judgement and decision making - so she did the same to you.
You went all judgy and preachy on her, as though you held the moral high ground - so she burst that bubble with some home truths of her own.
How do you think she felt knowing that you CHOSE not to confide in her about your partner's affair but were carrying on acting like you were morally superior?

As for 'forgetting' he had an affair last year.....more like you're choosing to live in denial.
He obviously hasn't been discreet which is why everyone knows all about his cheating and sleezing on other women.

Now that you've realised it was never 'secret' and his sleezy behavior is still ongoing behind your back - what are you going to do about it? Remain in denial that you're in a relationship with a shitbag?

Original poster

purplepolo · 25/10/2019 15:42

Sorry but im failing to see how what my partner did over a year ago, it relevent to her partner doing coke currently. She was moaning about not having money, her partner spunks all their money on coke..put two and two together, would make sense she'd want him to stop but she doesnt. I wasnt making a dig or being spiteful, she cant moan about having no money when shes happy for him to do that, but what she came out with was irrelevant. Id understand her comment if thats what oh was up to now, but i know hes not.

Course i havent forgotten, that was worded poorly, but we are progressing and moving on from it. We have a family, so it is something we wanted to move on from. When it happened we were both going through shit and it was stressful, not sticking up for what crap desicion he made, but weve come a long way since then with counselling, etc.

OP posts:

NotStayingIn · 25/10/2019 15:48

I don’t agree with this at all What she then said to me was completly off topic to what we were even talking about so i dont get it

You were pointing out where her partner is causing issues in their relationship (wasting money) and she did the same back to you (shagging around).

But I do agree that what she did was really hurtful and uncalled for. But I think given she knows: lots of people know. Sadly I can’t imagine that she has never gossiped about it.

When you take back someone who cheated the fact others know and talk about it and the fact you will often be insecure are some of the things you sign up for. I’m sorry it’s happening but I just don’t think it’s that unexpected?

NotStayingIn · 25/10/2019 15:49

(Ah sorry hadn’t seen your latest update when I posted)

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2019 15:59

Id understand her comment if thats what oh was up to now, but i know hes not.

Except you don’t. You didn’t know he was cheating on you last time till you found out.

i dont know whether shes just saying it to get under my skin or if partner has actually been doing just that.

^ From your OP.

It’s good you’ve found counselling helpful. I hope they told you that cheating isn’t an appropriate reaction to stressful times in life.

You and your friend are probably better off without each other. She’s pregnant and skint because her useless partner is prioritising coke and you’re blaming her. She’s responded by saying you shouldn’t be judging her when you’ve taken back a cheat.

Expressedways · 25/10/2019 16:03

Whether or not it was relevant to the conversation, you were extremely blunt in telling her exactly what’s wrong with her partner which is never a good idea. The fact that she got defensive, turned the tables and no longer wants to speak to you should hardly come as a surprise. Doesn’t sound like a particularly healthy friendship but you did start the argument. And I hope you’re right about your partner.

Walnutwhipster · 25/10/2019 16:09

You're both as bad as each other.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2019 16:10

Cmon op. Get real. You informed her about her partner being a druggie and how it wasn't good and she relatiated with at least he doesn't fuck other women and be sleazy in general.

If you can give it, you've got to be able to take it. That's how it works.

There is no such thing as "well we are discussing your partner and his issues, and specifically drugs, that fact mine fucks around isn't to be mentioned".

Looks like both of you should raise the bar. Can't decide what's worse. A sleazy cheat or a coke head. 🤔

MonstranceClock · 25/10/2019 16:14

Once a cheat always a cheat. She’s probably right.
Sounds like you don’t know how an argument works.

Closetbeanmuncher · 25/10/2019 16:26

Her partner spunks all their money on coke, your partner spunks in other women....potato-potarto.

You both have terrible taste in men and tbf you can't really look down your nose at someone else's barrell scrapings when yours has come from the same batch.

Applesanbananas · 25/10/2019 16:35

the fact that she knows about it, and knows even more than you, i would think it's TRUE. The wives /partners are always the last to find out. Given that he cheated why wouldnt he be doing the other stuff? It ties in with a cheater.
I would less worried about the friendship and more worried about walking around like a mug and everyone knows it too.

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