I hate family touching me

[Lemond1fficult]

I know lots of people have real family issues on here, so apologies if this is a trivial problem.

As soon as she has a couple of drinks, my dsis (45) gets very touchy feely with me, and I hate it. I absolutely hate any kind of meaningful hug or emotional touching from family members. It makes my flesh crawl, and always has since I was little.

It was my birthday today, and she just would not stop. I told her many times to get off me, and she'd go in a little strop for a few minutes then it would start all over again. I was polite at first, explaining that it was just me, and not to take it personally. Then with rising exasperation, (tempered by the fact my little niece was watching, so I didn't want to make too much of a fuss).

I just don't know what more I can do. I find it so disrespectful, and it makes me dread spending any time around her when there'll be alcohol there. (I don't drink much around her for this reason). You'd think after 30 + years she'd understand she has no right to force her affection on me, but she either can't or won't.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar between grown adults?

This must be so annoying. But I am the tactile sister 😂 I don’t think I am on the level that your sister is but I am quite tactile and if told I will leave someone alone - I don’t always see it as an issue though unless I’m told which clearly isn’t the case with your sis.

Tell her you’ve got some contagious skin disease and best to keep her hands off you 😂 not much help sorry x

OP, I get what you are saying. The only people I like touching me now are my wife and boys (well, my 17 year old doesn't, but still get hugs from my 12 year old, until it not cool anymore ).

We had a "huggy" type of person at work and as soon as they tried with me I stopped them politely. Fortunately I don't go to the office much, so it's not an issue.

Thanks for your replies, guys (even you, nc77)

Weirdly I can deal with the social hugs you have to do at work sometimes. They're so perfunctory, it's no different to a handshake.

There's just something about the long emotional hugs and sitting with arms around, hair stroking and leg holding etc I just cannot stand. And I shouldn't have to stand it. But it makes me feel like I ruin every social occasion because I just won't submit, even though I know I can't stop her.

I imagine you've tried to tell her it bothers you when she's sober?

Next time she does it, she gets told strongly to stop it.
If she continues, smack her hand away.

No one has the right to drunk slobber and handsie on you like that.

By not making a fuss in front of your little niece, it's giving her the idea that girls have to tolerate shit like that and play nice not to upset others.

Hi @lemond1fficult, I'm quite tactile with my partner and children. I will do hugs with friends (though sometimes I find the hug 'at the drop of a hat' irritating and disingenuous 😁). But I would absolutely respect someone's wishes not to hug/kiss on cheek/touch. I think hair stroking and leg touching would irritate the hell out of me - that's more than just a kiss hello or occasional hug!

I know you don't want to spoil the atmosphere at family parties but can you have a word with her at another time? Don't say you know it's you being weird - it isn't! Just say you're not that tactile and you don't like it. I don't think that should upset her (but you know your sister).

...also, it may be that your niece doesn't really like all that touching either. She may associate 'the tactile stuff's as your sister having a few drinks - it could well irritate her. I agree with Rantyandy, maybe it would be good to let her see that she doesn't have to out up with it (I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong or dubious about your sister, just that, as you've said some are not happy with being touched a lot).

Do you know, we never really meet when there isn't booze around, so I haven't told her sober. Partly because I live away, and partly cos family occasions are boozy ones (for everyone else, rather than me, I mean). And there are always other family about.

I actually really hate seeing her drinking in general because she gets passive aggressive and over emotional with everyone quite quickly. It ruins quite a lot of special occasions for me, and presumably everyone else too.

Don't get me wrong, for my own and my nieces benefit, I am vocal about her not touching me. I calmly say things like 'I don't want to offend you but I just don't like it', 'why does your desire to hug me trump my right not to be touched?' 'Get off, I've already asked you not to', but any more than that and it risks upsetting her properly, and then that's game over for the whole evening.

Would it be acceptable to message her about it, do you think? I don't feel comfortable face to face, plus we never see one another alone in person.

@Lemond1fficult the cool kids call it "touch averse" you might find some advice searching for that term. I would describe myself as being touch averse.

If you have been as clear as you say then your dsis knows fine well you don't like it, and is doing it to annoy you or as some sort of stupid power game.

You seem unwilling to escalate the situation, and mention your niece, perhaps not wanting to upset her. I suggest that your dsis is not demonstrating good behaviour regarding body autonomy, and that standing up for yourself would not be a bad thing for her to see.

I would just leave it until you next meet up, if she is doing it to needle you then a private conversation won't help you. Be very abrupt the next time she moves in to smother you, raise your open hand towards her chest and a say a firm "no" while looking her straight in the eye.

If that still doesn't work, have a total meltdown, completely ruin the evening, remember all the discomfort you have felt in the past and channel it straight back at her, with feeling, you are totally worth it.

If you want her to respect your boundaries, then you need to implement consequences when she crosses them or she will not change.

@StarryUnicorn Thank you so much - I think you've nailed it. I have googled, and the touch averse are definitely my people. This tumblr is great: www.tumblr.com/tagged/touch-averse

I'm incredibly tactile with dp (we have virtually no boundaries.) But everyone else can just do one. My dm is very understanding, and never goes in for a full squeeze though I know she'd like to.

As a non-shouty person, I can only dream of a melt down like you suggest. But I will fantasise about it at length. My next real-life opportunity will be Christmas Day, so that's not going to happen for niece reasons.