Midlife Crisis, PE, depression, end of my marriage?

[LadyDaisyChain]

My life has been a bit of a disaster since having my second child 2.5 years ago. I have been with my husband for 15 years and also have a daughter who is 7 years old. Before we had children my husband and I were very happy. We don't have any family help and haven't spent a night away from the children together ever.

We stopped sleeping in the same bed several years ago because of his chronic snoring and my daughter being unable to sleep on her own when she was younger. My husband has always had premature ejaculation and our sex life has always been a bit disappointing from my point of view. However, I loved him and the good things in our life together meant that on balance I didn't mind too much/put up with it for years. He was my best friend and we had lots of intimacy/cuddles outside of sex which made up for it.

I had postnatal depression after the birth of my son which I later realised was hypomanic - I was hypersexual and had an affair with a guy who turned out to be into kinky sex (something I had wanted to try for years). When this fizzled out I went on to find another partner via a fetish dating site. I haven't had sex with my husband for 18 months, the last time we tried he ejaculated from just kissing me, then sex stopped.

Since then we have grown apart and only speak to each other about matters to do with the children. He has never once in 15 years tried to address his premature ejaculation or gone to speak to the GP as I've asked him to about this and his snoring.

When I was depressed he said I was acting like a spoilt child. He had to shoulder much of the baby care whilst dealing with bereavement (his mother and sister within the space of about a year). He has been very good on a practical level but neither of us was there for the other emotionally when we needed them the most. I think we were both depressed at the same time and had a baby to deal with.

I have wondered for some time, is seeking a better sex life worth leaving a marriage for? I don't know whether to wait it out some more or whether I am having a midlife crisis. Many aspects of my life are good from the outside, but I have stopped fancying my husband and I don't think I love him anymore. Whether we could get this back I don't know. My husband is 50 and from experience, I don't think he is willing to try to change regarding sex (he has massive hang-ups about it). He has a low sex drive and is demi-sexual so has no sexual desire when not feeling emotionally bonded to me. I am the opposite in that I need to have sex to feel bonded and I feel like my needs are not being met by him. Anyone else experienced these kinds of issues? Sorry for the mega-long post and thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Yep, I had an ex who I finally realised had both 'young man's problems' (PE) and 'old man's problems (ED.) I know those are cliches before anyone says anything. He'd had both those problems for life. I did split up on a quest for sexual fulfillment but also other issues. Whether you split up could be down to - are there other issues? That he called you spoilt when you were depressed isn't good.

You still sound a bit down to me- you could consider meds and therapy. That mightn't make a difference to your situation with your husband, but at least you'd feel better in yourself. Hugs xxxxx

he needs viagra , a guy i know used to have PE and ED due to stress (ME) once those gremlins get in a mans head they are hard to shake out , Viagra will boost his libido , make him last longer and add an inch to his pecker , a great confidence booster for a man ....after the packet was empty i didn't need them any more, the gremlins had been thrown out for good

How did the quest for fulfilment go @Interestedwoman?

Wow @headsintheshed I had no idea Viagra could be so wonderful. My husband has said in the past he won't take medication in order to have sex with me. Part of the problem we have is he doesn't understand that I NEED sex, because he doesn't.

@ladydaisychain my job is very stressful , I will confess I keep a few blue pills to hand for those occasions where I'm too tired but she's game on , they take 30mins to change a man from almost snoring to having an ass like a fiddler's elbow 😅

Yep, Viagra is great- I had someone take it recreationally. There's no shame in it. Even if the bloke doesn't need it it makes them firmer, potentially lasting longer etc. Would recommend!

My quest for sexual fulfillment varies as I don't find my libido is consistent. I have bipolar, so every year or so can be hypersexual.

At the moment my sex life is quite low key, mostly self inflicted, but it suits me.

I went through some wild times, which included adult cinemas! (My lover was into it- people go there for anonymous sex.)

If you take a lover, make sure it's not someone who continually nags for one thing or another, or if they do, be firm. Tell them what you don't want to do, what you don't like etc.

Have you met anyone else recently?

I second the vote for Viagra. As for PE, the answer for a lot of men is to get the first time over with, then go again.

If you don't know if you find your husband attractive, that's a different problem, although decent sex might go part of the way towards fixing it.

Either way- have fun, and stay safe. Not all men who are primarily after sex are good guys, you are putting yourself at increased risk of assault, STDs (if you can't be good be careful) and stuff. xxx

@LadyDaisyChain my experience with my now exH is that if he doesn't see a problem then he won't change. My ex couldn't see an issue with us not enjoying spending time together, that I just lay there when we had sex as any movement from me brought about 'willy droop' from him. His idea of foreplay was to stroke my upper arm! He had 'spiritual counselling' from someone (we did have a joint session and I found this bloke VERY strange - nice but strange!) who put the idea into ex's head that it would be better to split up than try to resolve our issues. Ex could never be bothered to work anything through so we plit up - to be fair to him, I had gone past the point of no return and felt totally indifferent.

Sorry to sidetrack - my point is that if he doesn't see there is a problem then he won't try anything and wont change!!!! And will probably be considered by him to be totally unreasonable if he discovers you've been getting sex outside of your marriage. You need to decide for YOU what is best - maybe this is your point of no return?

Half-term here, just catching-up on messages. @Interestedwoman my husband can only orgasm once, he then needs at least a day, preferably two, to 'recharge' before he can have sex again (will be floppy or unable to orgasm), so unfortunately we can't have a quickie then have slower, more satisfying sex afterwards. I have found a lover who is very nice, he is poly so it works quite well (no pressure to leave my husband). The sex is great, v experimental plus he is also very caring.

@Blobby10 I think if we didn't have kids I would leave him. I've read several articles recently about couples enjoying their sex lives into their 70s and 80s. I am only early 40s, surely this can't be 'it' for me? The idea of breaking my kids hearts because i want more/better sex feels somewhat selfish. When I read about @headsintheshed taking Viagra occasionally if his partner wants sex and he is tired, it nearly made me cry to hear that a man would care so much to do that. I can't imagine that. In all of our 15 years together he has hardly ever come-on to me or initiated sex. I guess I have repressed my sexual needs as I loved him and relationships are about compromise to some extent, but I have now woken up to the fact that we are sexually incompatible and that's hard to forget.

Does your DH know you are seeing someone for sex?
Might it be that keeping this from him pushes you to keep your husband even more at a distance. Perhaps you should sit him down and explain to him and be honest.

You say that you need sex to feel bonded, are you 'bonded' to anyone? No, not really. So how does having sex with someone outside of your marriage address your emotional needs?

You say your husband needs to feel emotionally bonded to want sex. But I would suggest it's not as simple as two diametrically opposite positions. It might be more of a virtuous circle. I used to think I needed to emotionally bonded to want sex, but my own experience has been that if I don't have sex with DH I feel very emotionally withdrawn, lonely and feel we drift apart on an emotional level. I'm certain it's a virtuous circle.

Intimacy is more than just sex. It's honestly, vulnerability, empathy, and understanding. You now have a situation where you need to withdraw further from your husband because you have something to hide from him.

If you wanted to fix this problem, you must at least be honest. If nothing else it might push you to really consider what you want to do about your marriage. Your husband has a right to know too.

What is it with all these women trying to justify having affairs?
You are cheating on your husband. If you are unhappy then tell him about your affairs and leave.

@MiniTheMinx I totally agree that sex is so much more than the physical act. I desperately miss the intimacy and everyday affection that comes in addition to sex. I think I am trying to sort out my feelings now I have a bit more headspace as my son is a little bit older. I will need to have an honest conversation with my husband at some point

It started out as a physical need, I was masturbating eight times a day and all I could think of was sex, the masturbating made it worse, it provided no relief. My life was taken over by the hunger for sex, it was all I could think of.

Would I have had sex outside my marriage if I hadn't of had what I now know was a hypomanic episode? Unlikely. I had been faithful for 14 years before. I struggle to reconcile what I've experienced since, but can't un-learn that I now know that the sex side of my marriage is unsatisfying and my husband has been a selfish lover throughout our relationship.

Yes having a lover makes me distance myself further from my husband, it's a good point. Our marriage is dysfunctional, we are colleagues in a childcare factory, there is much resentment on both sides. It may be that we end up splitting-up.

The marriage sounds dead to me, I do think you'd be better splitting.

You're showing your children what they should expect from a relationship, and it's not a good example.

Once you start down that road it's hard to stop.

I have a lover as well because of bad sex with DH. My problem now is if I slept with my husband, I'd feel I was cheating on my lover.

@Jiggles101 that does worry me. Would I want my daughter to be in a relationship like this? No. It's difficult to know how much to hang in there and hope things get better in my marriage as the kids get older.

@inbox yes I can imagine. I don't have that worry as my lover is poly, but if I do ever sleep with my husband again I couldn't help comparing them. If you feel that strongly about your lover would you consider leaving your husband? I'm sure it's not that simple though.

@LadyDaisyChain its not just about the lack of sex though. Its about the whole lack of caring for you and your needs that is being demonstrated here.

One of the final straws for my 20 year marriage was when I had a nasty eye infection and asked my H to take me to the GP to get stronger antibiotics. he drove me down, came into the waiting room and sat on the other side of the room from me and when we went into the GP he just sat there mute. I knew then for once and for all that he just didn't care about me any more. It also opened my eyes to the whole lack of concern during sex thing - I would be making the effort to make his experience as good as it could be but he just didn't return the compliment.

@Blobby10 it's a mixed bag with my husband to be honest. He acts quite 'entitled' in some ways, for instance it was ME who had to move to the spare room because of HIS snoring. I think most men would have the decency to be the one to move if it was them causing the problem. I think snoring can be a massive cause of resentment in a relationship and my moving to a separate bed meant that as we drifted further apart we never had the chance of a cuddle before bedtime which could have kept us more connected. I have asked him many times over the years to see a doctor about it, but he never has.

He also never makes lunch for me, he will make his own and not offer to make an extra sandwich or whatever for me. I hate this beyond words and call them his 'selfish lunches.' I always make lunch for him, well I did until recently, now I don't bother.

However, he is actually really good in terms of practical support, he is v hands on with the kids / housework and when I said I thought I was anaemic the other day he straight away volunteered to drive to the chemist to buy some iron tablets.

He seems absolutely fine with the lack of sex, I think if he never had to have sex again it would probably be a relief to him given his dysfunction. Looking back to when we first got together I remember him saying a weird thing that I didn't pick-up on at the time. He said 'we should try to make an effort to have lots of sex in the first year.' Sex for me has never been an 'effort' it's fun and why would I want to limit it to the first year?? It's like he was thinking once he had done a year that was enough of a show to make. Sigh. He has always preferred alcohol to sex, if given the choice. If he has a cold he will still drink booze whereas I can't imagine that. If I have a cold I will still be up for a shag though.