Possibly going to try again

[BrightYellowBike]

Name changed here, to avoid links to threads where I have complained about what an arse STBXH has been.

But we are considering trying again at the relationship. He has initiated this. Thinks we can make it work. We were together 12 years (with young children) before he inexplicably threw it all down the drain with an affair over Christmas last year.

We separated, he started divorce proceedings. Now he reckons he misses me, he misses the children. I have no doubt he does but I don't know if that's enough.

I do still love him but his behaviour was atrocious and I don't know if I can forgive.

I suppose I'm looking to hear from people who "took their partner back" in this way. I'm prepared for the hard work. But I want to know if it's probably hopeless and I'm just setting myself up for a hideous fall later down the line.

Very grateful for thoughts and advice.

I think the key is taking it slowly and not rushing back into anything. Would you go to relationship counselling?
Also, how old are the kids and how did they deal with the split?

I've not been in this situation myself but didn't want to read and run.

Do you think you could ever fully trust him again?

If you do decide to try again I'd advise taking things really slow and to date and have family days out together away from home rather than him moving straight back in. That will give you a chance to see how you feel and some time to figure out if it is a good idea or best for you to make a clean break and move on.

Good luck whatever you decide

Sorry cross posted with PP.

OP I took my H back after he had an EA then left me to make it physical. But in a way , he also took me back as our relationship had been bad due to my heavy drinking and generally being not a great partner.

I coped when he left my convincing myself what a shit he’d been and trying to hate him. But I still loved him.

Hardest thing is he still sees OW through work on a regular basis. He’s been back around 6 months now and it’s only very recently that I’ve stopped imagining them together, stopped obsessing that they are messaging, that he would leave me again etc.

But slowly our relationship is getting back to being good - before my drinking - during it even as I was a binge drinker so went dats/weeks without.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and felt in a no win situation. But my ( and DC) lives are better with us all together so that’s what sprung it for me.

Saying that, I'm not sure I could have done this if I didn’t feel to blame for him leaving me - I made his life hell at times, slapped his face twice and embarrassed him on so many occasions.

So my story is different to yours but we are getting there. I hope you can find what’s right for you as it is the absolute pits!!

Do you think he might be scared of making the big step (divorcing) and once it’s done then it can’t be undone? So he’s getting cold feet in a way?

I’d not be so sure I’d take him back especially over cheating as I’d have obvious worries he would do it again to me and I wouldn’t want to live a life like that.

Best of luck to you and I hope it all works out

Thank you for the replies - much appreciated.

I don't know if I do trust him. And I really don't want to go back to the days of sitting on the sofa, knowing he's texting other women trying to meet someone. It was miserable first time around.

But it feels like a lot to give up. And the children are very young (lower primary school age).

What is he prepared to do to make it work? Is he just expecting to start over as if nothing happened? What work has he done on himself?

He misses you and the kids, blah blah, but what's his attitude about what he did and the pain he caused?

Yes, he should work hard on a million-point plan which outlines exactly how he’s going to prove himself to you and win back the trust he savaged to death. And an acknowledgement that it will take a long time and he’s prepared to do the work and take responsibility.

If it’s just mopey ‘I miss my comfy old life’ then he can fuck off.