Loneliness.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Well there's a pathetic thread title. I've been separated for almost 2 years. During my marriage, I became isolated from friends and family. I now have quite good relationships with family, but still struggling with friends, mostly because I am a single parent to 2 small children. I have a few good friends, 1 lives far away, 2 have small children, the other has slightly older children. So it's hard to see them, as I can't do any evenings at all.

After bedtime, I am alone. Every night. For the first year I loved it. I loved having the house to myself, doing whatever I wanted, eating, reading, watching whatever I wanted. The last few months though have been a struggle. And I don't know what to do about it.

I am not divorced yet but anticipate going through this soon. I'm nor sure what difference that will make.

I can't imagine ever living with anyone again, not least because I can't imagine having another man living with my children, and also, I'm not sure I'm capable anymore of any level of compromise.

I work, part time. But can't take part in any of the social events and have noticed relationships with colleagues suffer since I went part time, they seem to resent it.

So, any suggestions? How do you cope?

Can relate to working part time politics at work. Used to be really close with my colleagues until I had children and came back part time. My priorities in life changed, with less disposable income on socialising... I used to be extremely out going and now I rarely go out. My confidence has taken a knock and friendships have drifted away.

Are you able to play games online? I play scrabble online, have a dog so help out on dog rescue sites, it's tough but sending a virtual hug.

I think I'd like to get away from online stuff, unless it's actual interaction with people. I feel like I spend far too many hours wasted on my phone.

I don't feel too bad at the minute, but I can't see an end in sight either.

A couple of friends have suggested online dating, but I can't really see that it would work. I wouldn't mind texting, chatting etc, but I have no way of actually meeting up with anyone. I'm not sure I'm resilient enough for it these days either.

Does your ex have the kids? Split custody and start joining the gym, do online dating, start a hobby or a course.

Invite friends with children of similar ages over with their kids, have pizza and wine whilst the kids play, arrange days out, meet at the pub with a play area and so on.

A single parent friend joined Gingerbread and said it was a great club.

Can you afford a babysitter?

Can you do any socialising in the days you’re not at work? Some golf clubs do introductory courses for £25. Tennis is a good one - you can still get the odd game in at this time of year. Also universities often do continuing education courses on obscure stuff like Fungi of the Fens or Frogs if the Southern Wetlands.

I’m not sure you’d want to spend any free time you have volunteering, but you’d definitely meet people if you volunteered at a Food Bank, for example.

how old are your children OP?

I could afford a baby sitter but I'm not sure what I'd do. The children are 2 and 4. They do see their dad but not at night. I live quite rurally. And I'm knackered.

Sounds very much like my current situation! I’ve found myself getting lonely at night and it’s hard to find time when I have the kids 6 nights a week. So the days they stop at their Mothers I try to fill with things I enjoy, going to football or concerts, the cinema or meals out etc. I’ve found giving yourself something to look forward helps combat the loneliness.
Id love to meet someone myself but would they be happy fitting in seeing me one night a week for the foreseeable future? Also I’m not interested in having someone living with us as I’ve spent 18 months creating a happy place for the kids so it’s a kind of limbo!

I imagine that your head right now is full of thoughts like " what is going to happen to me " or "is my life going to be like this forever " and as you said "I can't imagine living with anyone again" . When the future we anticipate suddenly changes it is hard as we are left in a big scary at times void . You have your job which is great and gets you out the house ! You said you could afford a babysitter occasionally so why not try to get out with your work colleagues on an occasion?eg before Christmas It sounds as if you are not ready for OLD dating yet so that can wait . Your children are young so enjoy them . Time WILL make things better . Your kids will get older and more independent in their day to day stuff. Get your divorce going - currently you are living in limbo . You will feel better once it has gone through . I was living totally alone ( No kids at home ) and it is hard to have no adult to talk to . My marital breakup was hideous and now here I am several years down the line married to the most amazing man I met on OLD . I could never have imagined this happening . You are young and you have a lot of life ahead of you . Small changes . Best of luck !

I am an LP, my son is 6. I can honestly say that it gets so much better!! Give it a couple of years, and it should chill out a bit. You will get your life back eventually and be more social.

How about a short course at a local college - something to do once a week maybe?

can you swap childcare with other parents? or could you swap something else in exchange for the occasional bit of childcare e.g. help someone clean their house? that kind of thing

there are some good mum friend making apps out there, peanut, mush, etc - worth a try.

get out of the house every day if you can....

Feeling down can be extremely tiring... just saying.

Yesterday I went in a bike ride. Did I want you? Hell, no. But I forced myself to get out there because I felt so low and exhausted - I honestly felt I wouldn't last more than 5 minutes. But I did a good round nearish to my home and it did me the power of good, as it happens. I think exercise is the best anti depressant there is. I don't like gyms and walking can get too solitary when you're already feeling lonesome*. But a bike gets you out and about quickly; plus home isn't too far away if you suddenly feel you want to get back.

*Taking of which, walking groups are brilliant - a great way to meet people and usually lovely and friendly.

Did I want you, or did I want to. That is the question 😄

@TheJHD that's exactly the problem, and I currently don't have any child free nights. I think that will change in the next 6 to 12 months though, but as you say, then you have to find someone who is happy to see you once a week/fortnight. I can't see me wanting anyone to cone to see me at home when the children are there, for a long time yet.

Stbx would not approve, at this stage, of me getting a baby sitter, and I'm not st the stage where I can think it's none of his business. But it's definitely a thought for the future.

@magicmallow thank you, it's good to know there is hope!! Things are already getting easier day to day.

@springydaff I totally agree , I used to do a lot of exercise, it's good for the mind, body and soul. I used to run, cycle, and ride along with classes. I can't do any of this, because of I'm not at work, I have children, apart from 1 day time a week. I do spend a lot of time outside on that day but could go for a bike ride at least, so thanks for suggesting it. It's not a lot of child free time to fit all of the things I need and want to get done into.

Could you start off with daytime play dates for the kids to build up relationships for you?

One of my good friends is recently divorced and I go to hers once or twice a week for a movie/tv show?

I would find something in the day that is regular that you can bring the kids to, and also something else in the day that is happening when they are with their Dad. I'm assuming you have set days or a reasonably predictable pattern of when you are without them, even if it is not nights yet.
I sympathise and I only have 1 child who is older, but I remember being in your shoes and feeling really lonely. I have never been able to afford a babysitter.
I think your only hope is mum friends and in time when you are ready, an understanding partner who doesn't have a burning desire to move in with you. It does get better, I promise. Once they are school age, spending time at their dads including overnights, your world will open up and the small child related drudgery will ease. Hang in there.

I have had a really good day today, took the children out, ended up chatting to a couple of other parents which was nice. It's difficult with living so rurally, as anyone I get talking to is likely to live miles away, making friendships tricky. Still, I had conversations with other adults, realise that it's something I need to do more of, and that I don't seem very good at these days!

Yay, glad you had a good day!

'Stbx would not approve, at this stage, of me getting a baby sitter'

How you handle the kids when they're with you is to an extent up to you and what you need. He'd be wrong to expect you to have no life. He wouldn't even know. Go for it! xx