Codependency? Abuse? SS.

[daisyroselily]

Hello! This is my first post and it's probably going to be a long one!

Some background:
Me and my ex partner were together for nearly 4 years. We have a child together. We met when I was just 16 and he was 20. My home life was very dysfunctional and I moved in with him after 9 months (we were 7 months pregnant and engaged!). He worked full time and still to this day I've stayed a stay at home mum. The relationship was very on&off, there was many many arguments. And physical abuse from him. Which I believed he had overcome after completing online counselling.

We wasn't together, but I went to stay with him and my child at his place, near the seaside. It was like a holiday. A week or two in, It was meant to be my weekend off, so I decided I was going to have a drink out and he could watch the child. I proceeded to drink way to much and got unintentionally very drunk. We got home. He put the baby to bed and he proceeded to get jealous because I was on ft to a friend. We argued and he throw a glass at me. It smashed and cut open my arm. I was advised by the police and ambulance people that SS would get involved. I decided to make first contact and was advised to stay away. If they see I'm back with him, they advised they would get back involved with me. My case is closed and he's been back in contact. He's doing counselling ( irl) this time, he's saying he realises now what he's lost? He's changed, we can work on it, he loves me and I'm struggling to turn him away. I've been told by my counsellor that I may be codependent. I just can't say no to him as I've never imagined my live without him and have always been very dependent on him since day 1. My family aren't very supportive and my key worker just tells me it's my decision. What do I do? How do I break free of codependency. How do I know if it's love or codependency or both? I'm worried that this is going to effect my child and I just need to move on from this. But with him or without? I saw a similar post to this but didn't see much advice on there so decided to make my own.

Just to add I suffer quite intensely with anxiety, depression, OCD- including intrusive thoughts.

Please be nice!

You need to understand its him or your child does that make it easier? 💐 I'm not trying to be harsh but the written word by its nature is blunt

Do not engage with him talk to social services tell them he is back in touch and you dont believe he is sincere about "changing" and just check what there position would be if he took it to court by taking the initiative your in a better position and dont quit on your counselling but do work harder to better yourself

Counciling does not fix abusers. He has not changed and he never will. He isn't making bad choices, he Is just a bad human being.

He already showed you this last time you gave him a second chance.

If you get back with him, not only are you a fool but it is possible ss will take your child away from you.

Block all contact from him and move on with your life.

Yes the stark truth is SS have indicated if they find out you are back together they will get involved. If there is any form of incident and they find out and you have not told them there is a chance they will remove.

Your key worker is correct it is your decision. What happens with your child after that is theirs

It’s him or your baby

It's him or your child. Totally your choice. Not a choice you'd like to make, but your choice nonetheless.

They've told you what to do to avoid risking your child leaving your care.

I know it hurts to hear but while I don't think this sounds like love, even if it was the reality is that love isn't always enough.

If you give him another "chance" then you aren't giving your little one another chance at a happy life.

The more you reach out for support and ask for help from the authorities involved, the more they will see that you're being a responsible parent.

If you don't do this then as they've suggested, you're at risk of being seen as an unfit parent and they will act accordingly.

Also wanted to add to the story- I threw a water bottle before he through the glass- and the reason he was jealous is because it was an ex I was talking to.

Justifying either side of a toxic relationship isn't going to do you any favours with the powers that be OP.

I'm sorry I promise I'm not saying that to be harsh but this is really serious and could have a permanent effect on your little one.

SS wont care - they have one priority your child.

Your part in it just makes it worse - even more toxic and even more reason that you are better off apart

Thank you so much for all the advice. You're right. It was a moment of weakness to think this. It's going to be incredibly hard tho. Has anyone any advice on how to get over the anxiety after a break up?

Counselling for yourself and the freedom programme. freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php Find a course near you.

He's what you've known all your adult life so far and you have been raised in a dysfunctional household, so it's important you put lots of work into resetting your boundaries in relationships. Otherwise if you manage to stay away from him, you'll end up in another abusive relationship. None of this is your fault, but to break the cycle for your baby and yourself, you need to be the one who puts a stop to it.

Speak to Women's Aid and any local to you domestic abuse services, get support with staying out of the relationship.

I agree - get some counselling. I was involved wtih a man and when he attacked me SS got involved. They have said that if I ever got back him they would be back. I was in a terrible place with him. But have worked so hard and today (a year later almost) feel amazing.

For me the violence and the follow up with the police and SS was the wake up call I needed. I broke the cycle there and then. I couldn't contemplate if it had ended differently - I was thrown onto some concrete and it could have been so different - and quite frankly it terrified me that I could have done that to my children. But I know people who don't or can't - and I think even if you don't feel strong enough, you need to get all the help you can so you can protect your baby. He's following the script. Abusers dont change. And even if (in the teeeny chance) they can, why would you risk your baby.

Bruntly - put your baby first not you and you need for this horrible man. It would be extremely selfish to take him back.

Good luck. It's hard I know. But when you have distance, you'll see clearer.

If you take this abusive man back, you will likely lose your child in the process.

See your GP about your anxiety. Cut all contact with your ex. Keep your child.

Never take him back.
I've honestly never heard of on-line course for abusers.
Any course worth doing is minimum a year long.
And the abuser should NOT be with their victim while attending the course. So IF he is taking it seriously he will not want to see you until it's completed anyway!
coda.org - have look at their website - they have courses as well that you can attend.
And as another PP has said - call Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme course asap. Attend in person.
I think you will find that once this vile abuser is out of your life for good that your other MH issues with start to reduce. HE is the cause of them. You know that right????

yes I didn't see that OP - my anxiety completely disappeared when I left this man.

It isn't love OP. How can it be? He treats you dreadfully. That isn't love. Fear and anxiety aren't normal side effects in a relationship.

They don't change. Ever.

I'd advise you to build yourself up with counselling so that you're in a better place to leave him. Develop outside interests - maybe the gym or a dance class or something. When you've built up your confidence, you'll happily leave him. Right now it seems you're too vulnerable.

She's left him already, minorityreports - it's not going back.

Thank you. For all the advice and help.