Less sex feel distant

[Westgofiefal2]

So me and my oh have been together 8 years, struggled with infertility (both sides have issues). Now waiting to start ivf.
We both work but my oh works a lot more hours than me. So I do the housework/cooking, which I don’t mind at all.
We go on holiday every year together. Life seems ok. Lately I’ve noticed we hardly have sex anymore, we went abroad a few months ago and had sex about 3 times in the 12 days we were there.
At home we probably have sex about 5-6 times a month I’d say. My oh says he is tired from the work which is fair enough as he does work as I said long hours, he has said after Christmas he is going to cut it down so we can have more time together which I think is lovely. Plus we’ll be doing ivf so the time together will really help. I’m just worried about the lack of sex, I’ve become quite depressed lately but only because of the infertility. I’m just worried we are getting a bit distant from the stress and I’m worried the lack of sex is turning us into more of friends instead of husband and wife. Just need advice on what to do tia

You have sex 5-6 times a month and you are consider this to be lacking a sex love? Sorry I just want to make sure I’ve got that clear?

I’d be happy with that if I’m honest 😂 can’t remember the last time me and dp had sex. I’d say a good 3-4 months ago and prior to that it was been hit and miss. Probably had sex about less than 10 times this year.

Each to their own, but I’d be considering myself lucky if I was you 😂

God, with my ex partner we had sex twice a year. Yours doesn't sound bad at all.

Once or twice a week is quite usual for many couples. If it is unusually low for you then you need to have a conversation about it. We can all guess why it's lowered but ultimately you need to communicate.

My wife and I are having sex less than once a month. weve only been married for 11 months. id love to have sex a couple of times a week even once a week would be great.

if I make an advance she constantly turns me down says stop mithering me. and to leave her alone. if I turn her down if I don't feel like it ( rarely happens) she goes in a mood for days but im expected to live with the constant rejection. if you took the last year weve had sex about 9 times none of those times has it been when ive initiated. I try to initiate a coupe of times a week.

im not a sex addict I enjoy sex I find my wife a beautiful sexy 43 year old woman but she just doesn't seem interested in sex. I even try to give her cheecky flirty texts. really nothing bad just something like "cant wait till you get home o get hold of that sexy body"

shell get home and tell me she doent like it and stop being disgusting.

Oh 😂 tbh I’ve lied a bit and thinking properly it is less than 5-6 times a month.
Lately it’s been less than that anyway, think that was around our norm if not a little more every month. It got a bit routine and even though my
Husband is kind and we get on, think we are a bit stuck in a rut. I also think it’s because the sex is not about trying to concieve anymore, for years we were trying and have been told last
Year that we won’t concieve naturally our odds are very low anyway.
I just want to know what to do, we have talked and he just said it’s because he is tired, the only
Time he instigated it was when we were both drunk on holiday. Made me feel a bit shit tbh that he only does so when he has been drunk.

It sounds like a confidence issue from your other half if he is trying it when he’s drunk. Does he have any issues with duration of performance?

People's needs can vary significantly, and whilst the responses so far are from those who have very little sex, there are plenty of threads on here where people discuss needing and enjoying sex far more frequently.

For the record, sex 10 times a year or less is considered by many sex therapists a sexless marriage.

The frequency is not the issue, it's if there has been a change that leaves one or both of you unhappy.

The solution begins by open and honest discussion about how you feel and what you want/need from the sexual part of your relationship.

Yes you need to discuss the issue. It does sound as though he may have a confidence/performance anxiety problem so try not to say anything that he might interpret as criticism of him. Sex is hugely enjoyable even if you are not TTC - it's a vital part of life for many people.

Years ago when we were busy with jobs, children etc and sex was in danger of being pushed off the agenda we made a deal that we should not go longer than a week without doing it. And we've pretty much stuck to that for decades now - we have been together 30 years, married 27. It wouldn't really occur to either of us to turn down advances from the other if it's been a week or more since we last did it, my DW has a right to have her needs met and it is my duty ( and pleasure) to meet them (and the same applies to her of course).

If you set an informal and flexible guideline like this it will hopefully keep your sex life on track. You should also understand that your needs and interests might change over time - sex is not static, we have developed an interest in doing it in places other than the bedroom in recent years - makes life more interesting and stimulates our desire for each other.

'For the record, sex 10 times a year or less is considered by many sex therapists a sexless marriage.'

@Groundfloor Oh really? I don't think many therapists would say that. A 'sexless marriage' when there's still some sex going on, is not sexless, or only so if the couple feel it is. That'dve been more than enough sex for me at some points in my life, as for others. I suppose 'sex therapists' might stress the importance of sex more than others- I knew one who was a self-confessed sex addict. Of course they will also mainky be seeing clients for whom the sex is too infrequent for them, or whatever, and saying the sex is problematic keeps them in a job.

That is more of a theoretical comment though.

*mainly :)

@Leyden82 you would be better to start your own thread.

He’ll be upset/depressed about the infertility too. I wouldn’t panic yet. The IVF is going to be an emotional rollercoaster for both of you and there will be times when one or both of you struggle. Try not to let reduced sex become emotional distance - it doesn’t need to.

We have had sex once since our baby daughter was born 6 months ago. I hear you OP.

It gets to me, but she comes first. DH works shifts at 4am. I try and spend time with him before work even if it means staying up or getting very little sleep. We have our arguments and fights but it’s about loving each other.

Work on the relationship is my advice.