When to meet new partner's children?

[Mooninthesky]

Hello all. Just a little advice please. I've been dating bf for almost a year and we spend quite a lot of time together which is great. Bf spends time with his almost 16 year old son usually at his ex's house. (I'm told that she's often out), which is also great. Bf has met all of my family including my ds (22) and bf stays at my place once or twice a week. Ds lives with me.

Twice I've mentioned that I'd like to meet his son and both times he's said yes but our conversation doesn't go any further than that. I don't want to push it but I'm a little confused.

Bf separated from his ex 6 years ago and is divorced. He had a 2 year relationship since but she didn't meet his son either.

Thoughts please! x

The son might not want to meet you and your DP doesn't want to tell you?

In my experience, my 9 year old wasn't introduced to my partner for 6 months but was gradually introduced into the conversation and then we engineered short meetings - zoo for an hour with a picnic etc. Two months later she was used to us sleeping in the same bedroom. In truth my daughter was the least stressed about it. I think however that a son of 16 isn't going to give a toss either way - teenage hormones, starting towards A levels and generally cool. I think if your BF is being cautious, he may be over thinking it after all this time.... or is there another reason?

I think it sounds like he doesn’t really want to mix his son in with his romantic life. He dated someone for two year before you and it didn’t last so I think it’s fair enough for him not to want to involve his son in a new relationship that may not last.

Is there a reason you really want to meet his son? Are you hoping to live together before his son is an adult?

Idk why it should be a problem. Eventually you'll meet him at a family gathering - a wedding, Christmas, someone's birthday "do". Maybe the boy just doesn't want to meet his parents' partners?

Good point GeneHuntLover

I guess I'd like to meet bf's ds for my bf sake. It'd join up his life, as ds sometimes pulls his which bf finds hard as he's let me down a couple of times for that reason. Ds knows about us, so I'm told!

Why do you want to me a 16 YO?
If there's no need then just don't bother.
If it was younger kids / overnight etc.... then OK.
But don't get stressed about not meeting him.
He probably doesn't particularly want to meet you.

me???? MEET!!!!

Given the ds age, I’d leave it. Wait for them to push the issue. You have less than 2 years until his ds is an adult so I’d leave them to enjoy these last two years.

You're probably right. I don't particularly want to meet him, I just thought it'd be easier for my bf but I'll leave it up to him!

I have a 16 year old who has absolutely no desire to meet her fathers partner of a year. She can’t see any need for them to meet.

Why do they meet at the ex’s house?

They meet at the ex's house because the boy doesn't want to go to his father's house I'm told. His father worked abroad for a few years but has his own place close by now. I find it odd too.

From a teen's perspective he is likely to have no interest in you but I completely see why you would want to meet him.

My DC have no interest in Ex's partner, they don't see how her being around during contact time would add any benefit and believe it would actually be a negative.

I can understand it as they hardly want to be around their own mum let alone Dad's partner who to them is a random middle aged woman. Cruel but true!

I would ask your partner however for his thoughts, ask him to be frank with you even if it risks upsetting you. There is an agenda and it is fair for you to be fully aware of the facts.
Another factor is that he might like to compartmentalise his life.

You and his son are in separate boxes which makes life easier should you not be a long term prospect.

I would find it a bit strange too OP.
Lots of hostility on here though to 'new partners' (even if they've been around for a few years)..
Personally I would find it a bit bloody rude to 'refuse' to meet my df's partner after a couple of years - and if this were my children I would expect them to have better manners. (And to be a bit more mature) After all - its not like his 5 and obliged to 'hang out' with you EOW !

Won't be a popular view I know as nothing is ever to be demanded or asked of dsc on MN. .. and must be left to behave as strangely as they wish without comment.
On the other hand , it maybe that I simply don't understand this dynamic. I am mother to my three and SM to DH's 5.. who I met after 2 months . Couldn't imagine not knowing them.

This COULD all be DP though... maybe HE doesn't want you to meet !

Thehouseintheforest I feel more confused than ever since posting!! It hadn’t occurred to me that it may be DP who doesn’t want me to meet his son Guess I’ll never know the answer to that

My teens ages 13 and 16 have zero interest in meeting any of their Dad's girlfriends. Wisely he doesn't push it. I have only had one relationship since we split and they never met him either. It's not necessary.

What CarolDanvers says.

You don't have to involve your families at the moment, if your relationship progresses to you planning to live together - not yet I trust - then the introductions can take place.

Why do you have to meet him? What if he doesn't want to meet you? What if your partner doesn't want you to meet him? Don't know why you are so bothered

I'm confused why you think it would be "easier for your boyfriend" if you met his son - your boyfriend can decide that, surely?

You have made it clear that you would be happy for that to happen, now you can leave it up to him.

If the DC were younger then they usually have a choice but older DC can get to voice their views. They don't have to spend time with a parent and certainly not with another adult.

If your dp thinks you are temporary would you understand him not introducing you?