Been TTC#2 for 6 months ... DH has decided he doesn't want any more children. Feeling pretty devastated.

[mummabubs]

Please go easy on me fellow mumsnetters. As the title suggests, I'm feeling pretty crap. We have one DC (aged 2) and had always had open conversations even before we got married that we both wanted 2 children. It's a personal thing for me that I've never wanted to have one child and really wanted DC to have a sibling (I'm not asking whether it's good or bad to be an only child as I think we are all guided by our own experiences and values, for me it's always felt important to have more than one child).

We began actively TTC#2 6 months ago and I began to sense that something wasn't right. DH didn't appear to want to DTD very often at all and in general just seemed to be withdrawing from our relationship. Every month that we didn't get a positive pregnancy test I was becoming more and more upset and he was completely ambivalent about it. I eventually told him a couple of weeks ago that I felt something wasn't ok and he's told me several times since then that he decided a long time ago that he feels our family is complete and he doesn't want another child. He's only been telling me he wants a second child because he didn't want to upset me and wanted me to be happy. Of course the irony being that instead I've been feeling rejected and unloved without knowing what's up.

His main reason for not wanting another child is understandable to some degree- he has experience of growing up with a disabled sibling (as do I) and he is very anxious that something would go wrong during pregnancy and we'd then have a disabled child. I've tried suggesting that if he wanted we could undergo private genetic testing (although in both of our cases our siblings' disabilities were not caused by genetics) and I have always been pro-choice in terms of abortion. I'm not saying that would be an easy option, but equally I understand that he worries about feeling trapped in a really difficult situation.

Essentially I know logically that I can't change his mind and I have to find a way to support his position. Equally if I'm honest I'm feeling pretty devastated at the thought of never being pregnant again, not having a sibling for DC and just this sense of our family not being 'complete'. I feel really bad for showing him how upset I am about this as I know this just makes him feel upset too. Neither of us can help the positions that we are in, but at the same time it feels overwhelmingly stuck. I was wondering if anyone else been in a similar position and have any tips for how to process / adjusting to having a different family set up than you envisaged? Thanks in advance.

God I'm really sorry, didn't want to drip feed but that turned into a bit of an essay! Sorry and thank you for reading it!

I'm so sorry.
I have no answers, but I can empathise with my story.

3.5 years ago we lost our first baby together (I have two DC from previous marriage), then we tried again and lost that one. The he blew my world apart by saying he no longer wanted to try again. I was in a terrible place for 2 years, and then on my birthday last year he changed his mind. We fell pregnant 4 months later and lost that one. IT's been a year since that one and nothing. I'm now contemplating IVF as I'm 40 now. But DP has only ever agreed to TTC because I'm so desperate and he won't even consider IVF. Our chances are very very low now and DP is moving further back to not TTC again.

It's horrible @mummabubs. I guess your experience is different in that your DH always wanted children, whereas mine didn't.
I wish I had advice for you. But can only give you solidarity and these

Hi OP no advice really but I think the part that would hurt me is the 'he decided a long time ago', about a decision that affects you all, and didnt tell you how he was feeling, even to the point of going along with it unwillingly. You had to drag it out of him. That doesnt seem very fair to me

Thank you @FrazzleRock and @GettingABitDesperate now. I think posting on here prompted me to have another talk with him (that and he could clearly tell I'd been crying a fair bit).

I'm so sorry about your experience FrazzleRock. DH also initially towed the line a few weeks ago that he'd keep trying because I wanted it... Which I've explained doesn't make me happy and I don't think it's right to coerce him into this.

GettingDesperate- you make a fair point. I'm not justifying his choice of behaviour, but his mother has taught him that when you upset people they cut you out of their lives and no relationship ruptures can be forgiven or repaired. As a result he's terrified as an adult of saying anything that he thinks will upset people. It's really tricky for both of us.

In some ways the conversation was helpful. It was pretty painful to hear that his other reason is that he's worried I'll gain lots of weight again and won't lose it afterwards and then he won't find me physically attractive anymore. (I was a size 10 before pregnancy but am now a 12. DC really didn't want to come out and I went to 42+1 before being induced, as you can imagine I got pretty stretched!) As much as this is hurtful I do appreciate his honesty as I know that's hard for him. He feels terrible for saying it. It sounds bloody harsh when typed out but he was genuinely really anxious and upset about telling me that to the extent that I can't help but praise him for finally being completely honest with me.

Is he some kind of make model/Adonis??

This is a painful topic OP and I don't have any advice, but your DH worrying about you gaining weight is just horrible, shallow and selfish. What happens when you get old?

They are fair points. He's annoyingly been blessed with genetics that mean he can eat four times the amount I do and stay trim, plus historically he's been much more sporty than me. In other words, he's in good shape naturally. I honestly see how shitty his worry looks on paper, equally I can understand it in the sense that physical attraction is important to some degree in most relationships and I'm also still trying to accept my post baby body.

I think it is horrible what he said to you about you gaining weight due to pregnancy. It is shallow... Yes, your body will go through some changes but you'll have another beautiful DC. I can't believe he'd stop you from having another baby for such a superficial reason.

My DP is worried about my weight too... as in I've gained a lot of weight since we had our 2 year old. But we both still want to have another DC one day and I know he wouldn't stop us for this reason. Weight gain is reversible.

Definitely and he knows weight/ appearance is something that could change. For him the main fear by far is definitely the fear of something going wrong with the pregnancy. He also works with children with severe disability so I think this has understandably warped his perspective as to how likely it would be for something to go wrong alongside his lived experience with his sibling.

Sorry you're going through this, I'm in same situation with one DC and DP doesn't want another despite lots of arguments, discussions, threats to leave. I get very depressed because not only would I like another child but I get constantly asked by other mums and family members which makes me feel humiliated and inadequate and makes me want to say 'mind your own fucking business!' although I have to always make THEM feel better about it! I've even had someone say to me 'only children are weird'! I have to say though I think it's a shame you say your family isn't complete. It's exactly that kind of attitude that we need to cut out for the sake of children without siblings. I just hope my DC grows up with more self esteem as me as I am sure my brother didn't help my self esteem growing up or even now we're in our 40s! So maybe it is better being a child without siblings but they are in no way and 'only'.

I'm sorry you're in a similar position. RichTea, it's so hard isn't it. I've tried to explain to my husband that when I say to me our family isn't complete I'm not saying that our child isn't 'eno gh'. I think it's more that for years and years when we talked about how we saw our family looking we always had the same vision, so it's hard for me to suddenly change that in my head if that makes sense. I have several friends who didn't have siblings and it seems to be mixed bag of people who it didn't bother at all and people who have said as adults they wish they had siblings. It's not right or wrong, just not the decision I thought my husband and I had made together.

he's worried I'll gain lots of weight again and won't lose it afterwards and then he won't find me physically attractive anymore

I have a bit of sympathy for you there OP, after that completely arseholey comment. You'd better hope you never put on a pound of weight for any reason at all, now or in the future, because the above is going to be the excuse he uses for leaving you.

Think carefully about another child with him.

I understand the desire for physical attraction, but what your husband has said to you is beyond appalling. I’m shocked you’ve taken it in your stride and fear for how dysfunctional your relationship must be. That’s really horrible OP. He’s horrible.

Just wanted to clarify/ pre-empt responses. He's not abusive or horrible. Please trust me, I was in an abusive relationship for years and work with people who have experienced all sorts of abuse... Trust me, this isn't one of those! I believe that after 6 years of me telling him how exasperated I feel that he hasn't been able to be freely honest about his feelings (due to reasons outlined in OP) my sense is when he finally tried being honest with me he was a little too honest to the point of tactlessness. He was very embarrassed and upset when he said that and said he felt like the worst human in the world for even thinking it or for telling me. My friend today said that a lot of men probably think similar things at times and wouldn't have the guts to say it. I've never been particularly body confident and can't lie that it was upsetting to hear, he knows that. But equally I do appreciate his honesty and can only go back to the point that his greater concern by far is of something going wrong and me/baby being harmed.