My first post here, so it might have been done to death, but I just don't know where to turn.
I don?t feel that I have anything to complain about at all really, now. DH doesn?t hit me or be unkind or anything.
He has been very unfair to DS. From when he was first born, DH seemed to take against him. Nothing he could do was right. There was never any physical violence, just verbal. DH would tell him to do something, and when he didn?t do it quick enough DH would lose his temper and scream in his face, then flounce off in a temper. Then I would have to put everything right, and comfort a screaming terrified toddler. And this continued until the last year or two, I don?t think it?s as bad now, although it still happens.
After always struggling with depression, four years ago DH was made redundant and had a breakdown. He completely stopped ?connecting? with friends, family everyone, especially us. He still worked throughout, which I am still amazed at, but at home was either ?switched off? or in rages about everything.
It was gradual, then, really. As he did less and less to connect with the household, I did more and more, and we became more separate in everything. Now I can?t think of anything to say to him. I feel like I don?t know him, and I don?t like him.
He seems to have suddenly woken up and realised that things are bad, and now he?s really making an effort. I?ve told him that I wanted him to take more responsibility for household things, and he has started doing most of the cooking and other jobs, if I tell him to. But that?s not really what I meant. I want him to decide things, pay bills, important stuff. I want him not to ask me what jobs need doing. He can see dirt as well as I can. I feel like his supervisor. Or his mum. And anyway, it?s all years too late for me.
Am I being unfair? He says I have really let him down because I won?t forgive him for the things he did when he was depressed. But it goes back much further than that.
The thing is, what now? I really want to leave, but the one thing I always promised myself is that I?d provide a stable home life for DD (17) and DS (12). And I?ve let everyone down by getting it wrong. And then deciding to leave for my own selfish reasons.
Sorry this has ended up so long. I just don?t know what to do. I want the best for the kids, but what is the best? He can?t understand why I?m being so nasty to him by ignoring him. He doesn?t see what he has done wrong at all. Whenever I've got upset about anything, he says I'm being oversensitive and makes me feel that it's all my fault. He is away this week, and the family is so much happier, we laugh and have a good time, which we don't if DH is here. But separating will upset the DC, won't it?
Oh dear....I'm just going round in circles.