Driving instructor convicted of sexual assault & harassment

[CakeWineChocolateGin]

Im hoping for some advice so please be gentle, I don't think I could handle a flaming

I have recently found out that my old driving instructor has been convicted for sexual harassment and sexual assault. I'm having a hard time about it and can't stop thinking about it.

He never assaulted me, but the harassment side was there. He was utterly inappropriate, said some disgusting things, and left me anxious.

Based on what my boyfriend at the time had said about it, I got a new instructor and left it at that. I felt no one would believe me.

I'm angry at myself for not reporting it, and I'm in awe of the girls who were brave enough to come forward. But at the same time I feel stupid for dwelling on it because he didn't assault me aside from touching up my legs etc.

How do I give myself a shake and stop ruminating about it

But at the same time I feel stupid for dwelling on it because he didn't assault me aside from touching up my legs etc.

So, he did assault you.

Don't be hard on yourself though, lots of people will have suffered this and not reported it.

Can you report it now? It might not make any difference or result in any kind of prosecution but it might help you to have told someone and got it on record.

This happened to me around 2004
I worked for a company where the boss got done for the same stuff. I was completely unaware until I found out from an old work colleague the next year.
She had actually stood by him all the way up to hearing (in court) what he'd done and was disgusted and obvs turned her back on him. She was a strong, intelligent women in her 30s and even she had been misled by this vile man.

I remember vididly this boss made one completely inappropriate comment to me... I was about 19 at the time. Its never let me, still makes me feel horrible. It was gross at the time but I was embarrassed and young.
Perpetrators know this.
They know who to target.
It's sick

It's never left me all these years later but you cannot be responsible for a vile man's actions or feel guilty for not doing more.

'But at the same time I feel stupid for dwelling on it because he didn't assault me aside from touching up my legs etc.
'
Yep, as a PP said, he assaulted you.

It will go somewhere if you reported it, as he now has a previous conviction for similar stuff, so the police and CPS are very likely to believe you, because this has been proven to be how he acts.

I think what I'm finding hard is the 'what if'. I'm wondering if I had said something, then maybe those other women and girls wouldn't have had to deal with his behaviour

Thank you for the replies

Do you attach any blame at all to the women before you who did not report it?

The fault is entirely his.

OP don’t blame yourself. We put up with shit because it’s so normalised and because it’s embarrassing to speak up.

I have been told by police officers in the sex offenders/safeguarding team - don't ever, ever, ever blame yourself for not reporting/pressing charges.

The decision to assault someone is solely the abusers.

It sounds like he was already assaulting you in a "minor" way - that changes you and your thought patterns.

Yeah back in the 90s this shit was normal. It doesn't mean it was right.

Oh god I had the same experience with my driving instructor, total perve who tried to kiss my during one of my lessons. He also took me to his new house to show it off, such an inappropriate situation for me to be in. I was such an idiot I just carried on with my lessons. However I was 17, completely naive and embarrassed to tell my dad how uncomfortable he made me.
I think he lost his job due to his behaviour not long after, but then set up as an independent.
I was wondering if it was the same guy, but sadly I think it was actually just a really fucking common occurrence.

Hey, I read your post and just had to create an account to respond - I've had the exact same thing happen to me a few years ago and am too wondering if it was the same guy! I was 23 at the time and felt it was my fault somehow and that I couldn't report it because I was an adult. I had counselling which did help but always felt I never did enough to stop him. He started with the inappropriate touching and passed it off as a 'joke' or accident, and was very charming and manipulative. Don't ever feel stupid, like previous posters have said it is assault, and most importantly don't blame yourself for anything

There was a whole Jeremy vine piece on pervy driving instructors after an mp tried to tighten the legislature on them as several of his constituents daughters sexually assaulted. We had a female one and I will be getting female instructor for my girls too. Friend of a friend I met at a party had hers pleasure himself in the car 🤮

@Maya0900 there's been a couple of blokes in my local paper who obviously don't know their boundaries. Feel free to PM if you want to discuss more.

I ended up speaking to my instructor I had after the dodgy one and he was furious. He posted in an instructor's Facebook group about it and said pupils put their trust in them, and they should be treated in a way your own daughter should be treated. Made me feel a bit better.

I don't know why it's playing on my mind so much, he made me feel so gross but it was 3 years ago

This is a horrible but pretty common situation. You should never blame yourself for what someone else has done, it’s his responsibility.

I was assaulted on the bus on the way home from school aged 14, have had some called’ friends tell me I should have reported as he’d do it to others and if he did it would be my fault, but that’s not on me, it’s his responsibility. I was totally humiliated, embarrassed, horrified. Told one friend about it. Even now, in my 40s I’ve never told my parents or sisters. Just couldn’t face it.

I had a gymnastics teacher at an after school club who was prosecuted for inappropriate behaviour / sexual assault with the girls there. My parents mentioned it in passing about a year after and apparently my dad thought it wasn’t worth mentioning to me at the time as this guy hadn’t done anything inappropriate with me. My parents didn’t think to ask me, they just decided that I would have said at the time. I’ve never told them but he was inappropriate with me, he was always sticking his hand between my legs or pressing it up my bum when I jumped over the vault and he asked me about puberty and if anything was happening with my body. Other girls came forward and he was charged but years later my mum saw him back at another club, if more of us had known he was being prosecuted we could have come forward and got him a life ban.

God don’t blame yourself for a second. A really thick nqt tried it in with my 16 year old sister hand on leg pervy comments. She was really upset I say thick as our dad was a senior teacher at same school my sister told him immediately and the nqt was kicked out of the school and out of his course. Good.

I didn't report my rape to the police or to the organisation we both worked for. I was too shellshocked at the time, and later I talked it over with a counsellor who worked with the police and together concluded that reporting would do nothing towards a conviction and simply be a horrible experience for me.

It's not your fault, not even a tiny little bit. I found out after that the perp in my case had a known history of sexual harassment and assault, but I'm not responsible for anything he did before or after. He is. Predators choose their victims and set up the situation purposely so you won't feel able to report.

Forgive yourself. You can get counselling if you are struggling. My counsellor changed my life with seven words: "He's a predator, and he groomed you." I really thought it was my fault until then.

If he touched you inappropriately then that is assault? Not sure why you think he didn’t assault you? I’ve only ever had male driving instructors and theyve all been fine and professional thankfully