I didn't really know where to post this and it's taken me while to get the courage to post. I have NC for this.
When I was 16 I went to college in a different town to my home town. At around the same my parents got in contact with a male of relative they hadn't seen for ages, he was in his late 30's or early 40's. I had never really met up until then. Anyway he visited our family home a few times and we got on really well. He lived in the town my college was in and offered for me to stay with him for at least part of the week to save travelling. It was agreed with parents and seemed like a good solution.
For the next part please be under no illusion I was not a naive 16 year old and had sexual relationships and in a lot of ways much older than years.
Anyway the first night I stayed he cooked a wonderful meal and there was bottles of wine on the table. I was flattered, it was obvious he was making a effort and he poured me wine (lots of it) throughout the meal he was asking me lots of questions making me feel so important. At the end of the night ended with kissing and fumbling. I was so ill the next day with a hangover or alcohol poisoning I never went to college for 3 days. Parents were told I was ill and happy for me to stay. He looked after me, cooked for me, stroked my hair, made me the special, brought me gifts, told me I was beautiful. After 3 days I went home for the weekend, then the next week return to stay with him for the week. I wanted to, I was excited.
Anyway over the next year there was a secret "relationship". It ended amicably I was 18 and going to uni. I have never told anyone EVER. So this is really hard to write.
Over the years he has come in out of my life and has now looking back always tried too control parts of my life, he got involved in the business I was starting via my parents, he has manipulated situations to find things out and tries to involve himself in parts of life.
As time has gone on I am having horrible anxiety about it all and have realised the relationship was totally inappropriate and creepy. It's left me anxious for the times when I see him and angry that I was stupid to be manipulated like that (although at the time I was convinced I was so attractive I was irresistible even if you were related and three times age). I feel sick thinking about it all, in fact almost panic attack level.
So I suppose I want to know what you think I should, there will be a family event coming up where our paths will cross again. Part of me wants to scream from the rooftops that he is a twat and the other part wants too run away in corner.
It effects the way a feel about sex with my partner, I feel bad or guilty or something (can't put my finger on it). I can't look at him during sex and can't relax fully. It seems to be getting worse as I get older not better. I think it's maybe because I can process it more now.
If this all came my parents would be devastated and also I was old enough at the time to know it was wrong so not entirely his fault and I am happy to take some responsibility. Oh god I wish I could go back time and make it all go away