Mum and Nan

[LanguageAsAFlower]

Hi all,

My mum called last night to say my nan is in Palliative care. (They live in another country short flight) the things is, my mum has been looking after my nan for 8 years, completely put her life on hold and is obviously very upset. In this time through various family fall outs she doesn't talk to her two brother or her other two children. (Fault on all sides but she's definitely not innocent)

So now that my nan is going I know my brother, sister and uncles need to be told, when I talked to her last night she expressly told me not to tell them, and that they aren't welcome at the funeral. I know she's not gone yet, but it looks like she will be, they are catholic so it will be a quick turnaround to funeral, I really want to ignore her and tell them. But I feel awful to be stirring things up/going against her when she is losing her mum.

The fact is though that she doesn't have a right to say who goes to the funeral and whatever the issues between her and the rest of the family they deserve to grieve and visit. Any idea of how to manage this? I'm mid sleep regression with toddler and barely sleeping two hours, can't see the moral wood for the trees.

I’d just tell them and know that you’d done the right thing.

I know. I can't believe it's even a debate in my head. Stupid family dynamics. My mum makes me feel like it's a betrayal to talk to them. The ridiculous things is that she wasn't talking to her Dad 8 years ago when he died and wouldn't have known if I hadn't called her- which everyone told me not to do then.

Depends what they fell out about. Would your nan want them there? Thats the focus really.

That's really tough on you and your mum is putting you in an impossible position. The right thing to do is to let your relatives know so they can make their own decisions. They would rightly be very upset to find out they had missed the funeral. I'm guessing you're in Ireland- so the funeral is important. I hope you get through it all ok.

Whatever might be going on between them and your mum is one thing. But if they’ve cut your nan out of their lives that they haven’t even noticed she’s gone into palliative care, then I wouldn’t bother with them. It sounds like it’s their choice not to be apart of her life. I’d let them live with that choice unless your nan is conscious enough and has specifically asked to see them.

Definitely tell them. I can tell you're Irish. Funerals are important.

She doesn't get to decide who gets told and who comes to the funeral. Her mother has other children who need to know. Call them.

What was the relationship between your nan and the rest of the family? Would she want to see them now? Would she want them at her funeral?

Thanks for you replies, I called my uncle yesterday and told him and predictably I have now got loads of messages from my mum asking how he knows and if I told him. I haven't answered yet as I've been up all night with sick sleepless baby and can't decide what the best thing to say is. I know my mum is wrong and my nan although she can't say it now wouldn't want everyone to be kept in the dark. But I fear I've alienated my mum when she's got no one else. I know that's her fault but it's still hard.

Also sorry, no ones fallen out with my nan. My mums brothers one lives in another country again, and the other has been in a bad place addiction wise and is close but hasn't helped out as much (or at all) with looking after her. My mum has issues with both, but my nan doesn't.

Then it's not your mother's place to decide who should or should know about your nan and who should come to the funeral.

Big hugs to you. You're having a bad time with little one and getting dragged in the middle of a mess that's not you're doing.
To be honest, I think you did the right thing. Palliative care is tough. Your poor mum will be knackered and emotional, and it's easier to be angry than in pain. When the pain fades and anger subsides she will understand why you did what you did.

Please keep your chin up x

Know that you did the right thing. You would have felt awful if you had not told them. Maybe it will be an opportunity for them to make up . Thinking of you x

Can no one else tell someone, and that someone pass on the info. EG priest, doctor, friend of DM, etc