Please please need your stories of leaving emotionally abusive dh

[everythingbackbutyou]

I am actually going to do it and tell my emotionally abusive husband of 2 decades that I want to separate. We have 3 kids and he has a history of so-called 'low level' violence e.g. punching walls, slamming things around etc. I really need advice from people who have been there and how they went about telling (or not) their partner that they wanted to separate as I plan my approach.

I left my abusive husband (of 22 years) at the beginning of this year. The first time I tried to leave him was 6 months into the relationship and I left countless times since then and always went back. He had me dependent on him in so many ways. The threats of what he would do if I left (everything from killing my family, taking the kids away to committing suicide) and the debt I was made to run up to pay for his extravagant lifestyle is what made me go back to him over and over again. Well that and the fact that he would go on the charm offence and things would be amazing for a short period before it started again. I don't know what made me ready to leave this time. Maybe because I could see that he started to treat our daughter in the same way or maybe because things just seemed to fall into place. My daughter and I now live together (our son is an adult and has moved out) and we are so happy. The sense of freedom is amazing. I suffer from PTSD and we have had counselling but it is hard to recover as he still very much tries to control our lives through DD or through manipulating the divorce. Still, it's nothing compared to when I lived with him and now I don't get why I didn't leave sooner. I'm fortunate enough to have a good career so can afford to provide for me and DD which helps. I realise now that he is not the scary man I thought he was but an insecure bully who will never be happy with his lot in life. Not sure what advice I can give other than go for it. Make sure you have it all planned out as low-level violence can easily escalate if he feels that he is losing control. Get support from friends and family if you can. I've always been embarrassed about the abuse but have now told friends and colleagues so that they know what's going on and I have people to lean on. I haven't done the Freedom programme but it seems really popular so worth joining that if you can. Oh and in terms of telling him, my stbx told me and my daughter to F off as he couldn't stand us anymore. He'd said that many times before. This time I did as I was told lol and he didn't like it. if you are worried that he might get violent, then maybe not tell him until you have actually left. Given how he has treated you, you don't owe him the courtesy of warning plus you may be putting yourself and your children in danger by telling him. I wish you all the best. Use this board for support. I don't post much but I am on here daily reading messages from all these amazing people who have escaped their abusers and built a happy and safe life for themselves and their children. I look forward to reading such a message from you one day soon xx