Aibu - woman always texting partner

[Londongirl07]

Ok, I’m not looking for a bashing from anyone lol but basically my partners father passed away 4 months ago, and since then this woman who he has known for years (her and her family are friends with his family) has started to text him every week since then...every week the same messages “thinking of you” do you want to meet for a coffee to talk” “let me know if I can do anything for you or your mum”

Don’t get me wrong I am not jealous, I know he wouldn’t even go down that route but my problem is her nor her or family were in touch for the past 3 years I’ve been with him, they knew his dad wasn’t well but still never got in contact but since he died it’s every week from her! Constant messages that she’s thinking of him...seems she does a lot of thinking. She’s single in her late 40’s and no kids, but my partner has told me in the past she liked him and wanted him even though he was married at the time so what’s to stop her now he’s in a relationship again? I feel like she was trying to take advantage of the situation of his dad! Thinking he’s vulnerable? Maybe I’m being crazy and over thinking lol!!!

My point is I’m not very happy with it, I understand the first month sending the condolences and if you need anything let me know but every week for the past 4 months...Come on! He doesn’t entertain it and just says thanks, I’ve seen the messages, but then she turns up unannounced at his mums house once in a while (where he is staying for the time being). Surely she should’ve got the message after the first month he doesn’t need anything from her??

She’s also texting his mum a lot now too where again she never used to! I know I sound crazy but I feel like she’s trying to get in his mums good books 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Am I being unreasonable thinking she’s becoming a little inappropriate and too much? I have told him he needs to kind of nip it in the bud now and say thanks for the messages but honestly we are fine and thanks for the messages over the last 4 months...put an end to it. I’m not asking him to be rude but I have told him if it carries on I will make it clear when I next see her I’m not very happy...I won’t say anything just she will get that vibe. His excuse is he’s not entertaining it, he wouldn’t ever go down that route and I shouldn’t be insecure, but I’m not, I just think she’s being disrespectful now. He has a partner that is there for him or his mum when he needs it.

Reading through this I’m laughing cos I look crazy but I just need someone to say that yes she is being a bit too much or don’t read too much in to it lol

Thanks ladies xx

No I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s not the messages per se, it’s the fact that she clearly previously had designs on your DP, even whilst he was formerly married. It may have been a while ago but it’s clear she’s trying to encroach on his life and has used this opportunity (his dads death) to do so. I almost feel a bit sorry for her as she sounds a bit desperate.

Ask him to block her number/delete her off of social media. She’ll get the message that he’s totally not interested. If he replies to her messages then he IS entertaining it!

I think you're completely right to be pissed off and you've hit the nail on the head saying she's trying to snake her way in while they're both vulnerable

He needs to put a stop to it!

By not dealing with this, he's leaving it open for her to continue. By not dealing with this, it's disrespectful to you. He needs to block her.

Why does he respond? If he wasn't interested, he would just ignore or block her and they would stop. Some people do message random 'thinking about you' or 'how are you doing?' messages (not me, but some people are into that - even if they don't have a history of any sorts). But they tend to stop when people stop engaging. If he doesn't like it, he can just not engage, as can his mum (though really, I don't think you can dictate what she does and who she talks to, even if you feel a bit put out by it).

Tell him to reply "Thanks, but my wife/DP is providing all the support I need."

She sounds like a grief vampire and it looks like he needs to be quite blunt in cutting her off

Thanks ladies for all the responses I feel so happy knowing I’m not being a crazy partner 😂😂😂 I had to have a chat with him again this morning and he now realises actually it is too much and he has said enough is enough and he’s no longer going to respond to the messages so let’s wait and see.

He responded because of being an old family friend and he didn’t want to be rude lol! and thought she’s just being kind but I said there’s being kind and sending a message once or twice but then there’s weird and sending a message every week saying she’s thinking of him for the past 4 months...it’s hard especially knowing she likes him...I said to him I don’t like it, it makes me uncomfortable and so I’m glad he gets it and will cut it off.

You ladies are so helpful in helping me explain my feelings to him! Lol xxxx

Honestly, if she's an old family friend she may just have set a reminder to herself on her phone to 'stay in touch with X', leading to the weekly texts -- people on here often complain about people avoiding them when they've been bereaved. Maybe she feels bad she wasn't around when his father was ill, and is trying to make up for it now. Your DP is visibly not interested and has only responded to be polite because she's a family connection. I couldn't get excited about weekly texts.

If she's an old family friend then I think it is understandable, and I think you are being unreasonable to create drama around this while your boyfriend is no doubt still in the thick of grieving and sorting out things with his mum. I got back in touch with a friend I had fallen out with years before when their mum passed, because I knew her and the family and cared about them a lot at one time of my life. I would do the same if I found out ex boyfriends had had a loss in the family, not because I would want to get back together, just to show some support. Many people feel very isolated when they've lost a parent as friends don't know what to say so avoid contact altogether. This is what happened to DP and he was devastated that he had so little support. To insist he nips it in the bud, when there is nothing actually untoward going on, and he hasn't actively pursued contact with this woman is controlling and self centred.

Old family friend or not, she's also known to like the OH, so to go from zero to lots of messages is suspicious.

Thanks all again, I agree it is nice for someone to show support but every week for the past 4 months is excessive! You would send the thinking of you text and if you need anything let me know text once or twice but not every week! I’m not jealous over the texts it’s the fact she has had feelings for him in the past whether she still does I don’t know but I find it a little disrespectful now, she knows I exist! What makes her think he would go to her to help with him or his kids is beyond me lol!

Just glad he actually got what I was saying! Just waiting now for the next text or without a doubt her unexpected visit 🙄😂

@RushianDisney but would you send your ex or someone you had feelings for a weekly text for 4 months running knowing he has a partner? Oh and she knew we were going away together a few weeks back and funnily enough she didn’t text once but as soon as we were back and she thought he would be alone (as she texts in the day knowing we are both working) she text him lol. Come on, I’m not being self centred or selfish. My partner has an amazing support network as well as his mum. He is now trying to get on with things and try to push the grief away now but it doesn’t help when someone texts constantly reminding you of it. Like someone above said she sounds like a grief vampire

Brackish That's a huge stretch and I think if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

@EKGEMS, I don't think it is a 'stretch', it's just another way of interpreting the facts the OP has given. I mean, the woman sounds annoying, but equally, the OP sounds incredibly territorial and as if she's determined to read these weekly texts as some kind of encroachment onto her space, and doing all this huffing and puffing about how she's going to show this woman what's what the next time they meet etc.

It all sounds a bit of an overreaction to a vaguely irritating family friend.

I definitely see your point Brackish but I still suspect her motives

@Brackish get what you’re saying...it is annoying but I don’t look through my partners phone he tells me oh she’s text again and at first I was like ok fine but was the last point to where she then said if you need me to help with the kids or similar to that I thought this is too much now.

I don’t know her motives but to know she had feelings for my partner whilst he was married makes me nervous of her actions.