Still mourning relationship after 3 years

[BedraggledBlitz]

Last night I had a really vivid dream where my ex left me again. I was sobbing in my dream, woke up shouting "come back" with tears running down my face.

I'm really pissed off with myself that I cant fucking get over this. He left 3 years ago. It was very hard as I had a baby, I'd found him cheating, he was vile and they married shortly after our split and he moved abroad.

It's not just the dream. Most conversations I have end up talking about him and what he did. I bore myself.

Everyone tells me I am better off. I probably am, but I'm so lonely. Even if I wanted to date (I dont want to, wouldn't trust a man again), I couldn't cos I'm a single parent with very little childcare support.

When will it end? What can I do?

I'm only 10 months in after a very similar situation - I completely understand where you're coming from.

I think you might benefit from some counselling, and if that doesn't help and it's impacting on your moods daily, I'd think about medication.

It sounds like you are bit traumatised by it.

Perhaps your subconscious wants back the ideal of who you thought he was. But the man you wanted him to be doesn't exist. The only options in reality are: 1. a man who was vile to you. 2. being free of a man who was vile to you. You have the better of these two options.

Sorry it's so hard, @BedraggledBlitz.

Are the nightmares frequent? Do you ever get flashbacks to the events, too?

Totally normal to be grieving a relationship so significant. And horrible. I agree with PP that if it's affecting your life significantly it might be worth seeing someone (eh counsellor) to talk about it. Could be that you're in a bit of a vicious cycle if you're talking about it with all friends/family etc all the time (which can help keep the possible obsession going?).
Good sign that you're bored of it. Could you try scheduling a conversation about it once a day (or whatever) and then ban yourself from discussing it at other times?
Or perhaps there are unresolved things you really need to discuss and aren't quite getting there?

*eg counsellor

Also, just to clarify that it seems normal to grieve it, but if you're getting frequent nightmares or flashbacks you might need some extra help and the GP might have ideas

Thankfully that dream was the only one so far. It was really upsetting, he visited the UK last week so that probably stirred up confusing emotions.

I definitely mourn the loss of my idea of him. And also feel like what I loved about him was a complete pretence, which is really unsettling.

Counseling might be the answer, I looked into Skype sessions for after DC is in bed, maybe I should try it.

Thanks everyone and hugs to everyone going through similar.

I had this 3 years after my split. I had a traumatic flash back out the blue which made me feel like I was back to the day he walked out. I was so traumatised by this event I knew I needed help. I went to therapy and it was a kind of PTSD. It’s part of an unresolved part of a grieving process that I didn’t process properly. It took a few months of therapy to get it out and fixed. It was the making of me and my eventual happiness. Get some help and be kind to yourself x