What is he doing here?

[gymbunny2012]

We (partner and I) had a lovely day out with the DC's today. Once home, prior to me putting the youngest to bed, he snapped at me about something trivial. I asked why he did that, and he said 'because I've been getting at him and shooting him down all day'. This was a total surprise for me (although it is something he does a lot) - I genuinely thought we had a nice day.

I am suffering from severe depression at the moment, and am being assessed for PTSD tomorrow, which he knows. For me to be able to go out today and laugh and have fun with the DCs was a good thing.

I feel this is his way of keeping me down - what do you think? It makes my head hurt thinking about it.

Hopeful bump...

Is the PTSD the result of prior nasty people in your life? Cause it looks like you might have another one to get shot of before spending money on therapy for PTSD.

If he commonly says things you feel are aimed at bringing you down to earth with a bump. Put downs ect... Then maybe it's time to think about whether or not just getting rid of this walking PTSD trigger might be the best first move.

Did you have a discussion about it or just left it there? Sounds like you don't think there was any truth to what he said. How are things between you generally - does he usually snap at you?

It's the result of traumatic experiences and nasty people, yes.

The problem is my MH has become so bad, I don't think I can cope without him. I would love nothing more than for me and my DCs to leave, but mentally I'm not strong enough now. I feel / am trapped. They are still young, so it's not like I can have an off day as they need me.

How does that even work when the person I'm living with is damaging to my mental health, yet I'm too weak (mentally) to leave?

My OP was really just an example of what he does - I have told him before that I think he gaslights and manipulates me, and he's completely shocked, each and every time. He breaks down in tears, tells m all he's ever done is try to help and support me. I feel like I'm going crazy.

The DCs were there so we couldn't talk much - he texted me and said he's allowed to have an opinion... it just doesn't make sense!

He seems to purposefully misinterprets things I say so he has a reason to berate me. Also often says I seem like I'm in a mood when I'm not, etc.. or he says I've been off with him all day. I'm not perfect but I do try, and I know when we're having a good day and when we're not - it's always on the days where I feel things are better that he makes these comments.

and he's completely shocked, each and every time
It's called acting.
he breaks down in tears
Act.ing.
All ways to gaslight you and make you feel like you are over-reacting/crazy/over sensitive/in the wrong/always misunderstanding him (and he'll probably straight up tell you these things too).

he seems to purposefully misinterpret things I say
100% on the ball with this. He does this to keep you watching your words and walking on eggshells worrying you might say or do something he doesn't like.
It's always on the days I feel better...
That's because you aren't allowed to feel happy or good about yourself. And because he is a bully who takes pleasure from making you feel small.

He is keeping you down and there is no hope of recovery for you if you stay with him. I would bring up his behaviour with your ptsd therapist straight off the bat. And also phone womens aid when you get a chance. Your partner is abusive. You can leave. And there is help out there for you to do that - start reaching out.

YouTube videos on narcissistic personality disorder would be a good shout too. There's a vlogger called melanie tonia evans who covers it well. Also, there is a book recommended here on mumsnet a lot called 'why does he do that?' by lundy bankroft that sounds like it might be worthwhile for you.

And if you need to find the strength then think on this - if you stay with him, then twenty years from now, your kid will be in a similarly horrible relationship, with depression and ptsd. Because it's a cycle.

You can do it.

I think your initial analysis is totally spot on.

You did have a nice day. He's an arse and was making up bullshit about how you've behaved so as to blame you for his contemptible behaviour toward you. Sorry he's a dick. I suggest time apart.

'The problem is my MH has become so bad, I don't think I can cope without him. I would love nothing more than for me and my DCs to leave, but mentally I'm not strong enough now. I feel / am trapped. They are still young, so it's not like I can have an off day as they need me.

How does that even work when the person I'm living with is damaging to my mental health, yet I'm too weak (mentally) to leave?'

You'd be ok- just get help from mental health services if you feel yourself having a rough time, and nip it in the bud. Take care of yourself with meds and counselling etc and have it all in place.

You might feel anxious at first, but you'll be ok. He's not really helping you- all the walking on eggshells etc and having your head messed with is adding to your anxiety.

'My OP was really just an example of what he does - I have told him before that I think he gaslights and manipulates me, and he's completely shocked, each and every time. He breaks down in tears, tells m all he's ever done is try to help and support me. I feel like I'm going crazy.'

He's hardly going to say 'I enjoy fucking with your head and manipulating you, all I've ever done is to try and screw you up so I can control you' or something, is he?

My ex was very similar. Ended up with me always apologising...
Even when he got physical and jammed my arm in the door I apologised for going after him (post row to try and sort things out)..
He had depression but didn't take ads or his sleeping pills. Until pissed and took 4 to make me think he was dead...
I chucked him out. Struggled for 2 weeks until the fog lifted.

You can manage without him op. Confide in a family member or friend for support.