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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can someone please help this poster -She wants to leave

15 replies

Furball · 16/08/2007 07:14

I've copied this from another thread and hope Angel doesn't mind but thought she would get more help with her own thread. Please advise her.

Angel63 on Thu 16-Aug-07 02:22:46

I don't think so. Been married to second hubby for almost 12 yrs. He's diabetic, lost his right leg in 2005, anger problems, has not slept with me since 2002 (said it was originally punishment for a one-night stand I had) then he lost his leg and could not get up the stairs to our bedroom. He has been totally & completely impotent since about 2002. He has severe dental disease, I mean decay down to the gumline and won't see a dentist. Says we don't care and are letting him die. He now after almost 6 yrs. suddenly wants back in my bed...NO WAY!! I am hurt,confused, angry, and now disgusted by him. I even went along with a threesome for him in 2002, then he accused ME of cheating! Yes, I do have bi tendencies, but have not acted on them. I have been through hell with this man. He controls everything. I have no money, no bank accounts, no credit cards, nothing. I want to leave, but am afraid. I have to turn my paychecks over to him. I have not been happy for years. He just thinks it's due to my being Bipolar--hell, I'm crazy because of him!! I just want to be truly loved again, to have physical love again, to be kissed and not grossed out, to dance again, all the things I dream of each night. I want out but am terrified. He took a hammer to my daughter's room one night. I have 3 kids by my first husband (deceased). They are all grown. Two of them say "Go." Any advice??

OP posts:
totaleclipse · 16/08/2007 07:28

Yes, I have some advice..................GO!!!!!!!!!, HE TOOK A HAMMER TO YOUR DAUGHTERS ROOM!!!!??? dont let his disibilities and insecurity cloud your vision, you need to leave and gain some independence.

FoghornLeghorn · 16/08/2007 07:30

Yep - listen to your DD's.

zippitippitoes · 16/08/2007 07:36

you have to leave..are you in the US or the UK

julezboo · 16/08/2007 08:56

Please go! This man will continue to control you if you dont! Listen to your kids please!

hertsnessex · 16/08/2007 09:09

get out of there. NOW.

Theclosetpagan · 16/08/2007 09:14

Angel - you need to get out of there and NOW. This is not an equal relationship and you are being controlled by this man. The incident where you describe him taking a hammer to your daughter's bedroom is very concerning. Yes he has problems but you are suffering because of them - if he can't or won't change then you need to make the decision to leave and let him get on with it.

americantrish · 16/08/2007 10:36

get out. quickly. there are helplines that can get you and your kids into a refuge. its not ideal. but hell, its better than what you are dealing with. you will get benefits (and might be able to get a crisis loan til the benefits come in.)

oh my gods please. get out. before this ruins you completely. if you have friends, or family nearby talk to them if they dont know. talk to your GP, anyone. priest, vicar, rabbi, anyone you feel you can trust.

you aren't alone. and you won't be. not thru any step of it. i know its scary. but careful planning quickly and you can do it.

post back please. (does Angel know her post has been moved here so she can respond to us?)

lifebeginstoday · 16/08/2007 11:15

Same here. get out NOW. I went onto a refuge and they are not nearly as bad as you would imagine. The one we were in was a self contained flat, spotless, with it's own bathroom, kitchen, tv, dvd player. They sorted out benefits and yes, I got a crisis loan too within the first few days. The relief of being in there is indescribable. It's only short term, and you will get all the help you need.

Furball · 16/08/2007 13:42

.

OP posts:
julezboo · 16/08/2007 15:09

.

americantrish · 16/08/2007 16:48

Angel63, please post again!

julezboo · 16/08/2007 18:08

bump again!

peanutbear · 16/08/2007 18:14

bumping

I think you daughters are right Its hardto go I now but its much better and you start to live life agin once you have done it

Angel63 · 16/08/2007 21:00

Thanks, you all. It probably would be just me leaving as all my kids are grown; daughter 24 and two sons, 20 and 18. They have their own lives to lead. I'm just afraid he will destroy all my things before I can get them all out-my mother's cedar chest, my mother's dishes and jewelery, my precious photos. The rest I can always get again someday. And, my dog, JoLee, I don't want her to get hurt, but I don't think he would hurt her, I'm not sure. Just last nite he blamed all of us for his healthsaying that we were just letting him die because no one is ever up to take him to the dentist. His doctor even told him twice to get his teeth and mouth taken care of, get glasses and then come back to see him. He hasn't done any of those things. I will leave when it is planned right and the time is right, I'm thinking November after my son has already left for basic training for the Army. Then, I'll go. I have family in Virginia and friends that will help. I will post again to keep you all updated. Thanks so much. I'm overwhelmed at how many of you have responded to me. Bless you!!! Thank you!!

zippitippitoes · 16/08/2007 22:18

glad you saw this..you have lots to get from life, don't let anyone drag you down

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