What do I do

[Whattodonow2019]

I posted last week in sex section as I found my husband had been looking at porn with a fair bit of it being gay porn. I'm heavily pregnant and for most of my pregnancy we've not been having sex in first trimester due to risk of miscarriage I've had recurrent loses. Then because lack of libido etc so we drifted and he obviously turned to porn and im feeling pretty mixed up about it.

It's mostly the gay stuff and I'm trying to get my head round It and let it go but I suppose with being pregnant my hormones are all over the place. I keep wondering if I watched these videos with him so I know what I'm dealing with and maybe can move on accept it get over it etc not for kicks if that makes sense. Does that sound like madness? Just at the moment I don't know the full extent of what's been doing it for him so I feel only half in the know!

This pregnancy hasn't been easy I've had bleeding and issues with my health leading to me feeling anxious of a happy outcome I'm struggling with my toddler and this on top of all that I just feel a bit defeated.

I know my husband hasn't cheated but it feels a bit like he has ruined my trust in him and we've spoke in depth about this over the last few days but as I am pregnant and my hormones are up and down I don't want to make decisions now. I don't know exactly what I'm asking but I'm too embarrassed to talk about this is rl.

If anything you are under reacting. He is looking at gay porn! That's a pretty big deal. It suggests he has been hiding either his true sexuality or at least a big chunk of it, from you. You say 'we've spoke in depth' but also that you still don't know with is going on with him? Why? Is he talking you round in cycles.

And whats with the talk of 'getting over it' as if you have reason to do so. You most certainly don't. He has broken your trust and he might be gay. That's not up to you to get over. You have to be given solid reason to trust him again. He hasn't done this and quite frankly, I'm not sure he ever could. I'd forever be wondering if I was just his 'beard' tbh.

Your hormones have nothing to do with this - it's all on him and his dodgy behaviour.

Rubbish

I watch lesbian porn and I am happily a heterosexual woman in a long term relationship, with children and absolutely no desire to get it on with other women.

Porn is fantasy. I can manage to get my washer fixed without mounting the repair man.

Discuss it with your husband, about how you're feeling. At least give the man you married and had kids with to answer for his actions rather than the typical man haters we have on mumsnet.

Wishing you all, including bump a very happy future together

I asked if I was his beard actually which he tells me I'm not. The talks we've had are is he gay is he living a lie does he want to be with a man which he tells me he does not. He wants to be penetrated as his ultimate fantasy we've tried pegging and anal play but as I've said we've not been having sex so I understand the looking at gay porn to some extent he also said he has looked up pegging porn. I just didn't find that.
I've had the but I'm physically incapable of giving him anything other than a dildo which he claims is enough!
I don't think Im under reacting I've cried and been not too nice to him but we've built a life together and have children.
Surely all relationships come with a risk the other person could leave or cheat at any given time and I'm trying to keep that in perspective as I know he hasn't cheated. I suppose I'm trying to come to terms with that my husband has this kink about him. And maybe that he is bi curious 🤨

I'm sorry Baileys but I disagree completely. This is a gay man. I will not buy into the idea that he is Bi either, there is always the possibility but my experience tells me different.

OP, I think that you know this isn't right, this isn't the same as finding him spanking to some womens feet pictures in the catalogue, this is him going out of his way to pleasure himself while watching a man stick his penis in another man.

If he hasn't got Grindr on his phone I'd be amazed. Check out his google play store history and see if he's ever downloaded it, that's a smoking gun.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, there are plenty of routes to move forwards and he may be happy to keep his life with you but he does need to be honest with himself and with you or somewhere down the line it will all blow up.

I'm female, watch all types of porn man/woman woman/woman but man/man is my fave! I only have relationships with men as that's my preference.
Doesn't mean he's gay!

If your DH was just into pegging surely he could watch females using strap ons or toys etc on men rather than men with men?

Hey,

I think as a society it can be very unsettling when a man watches gay porn, which I personally find absurd, no one would bat an eyelid if I said that I watch lesbian porn (which I do - along with a lot of other stuff that I wouldn't want to ACTUALLY happen in life). Porn is a fantasy! So what if he enjoys watching a bit of man on man. Does he love you? Does he desire you? Does he get turned on by you? Remind yourself of these things. My partner also enjoys being pegged on occasion, if I found he was watching gay porn, I wouldn't batter an eyelid as I am confident that I am his turn-on.

Listen, if someone will cheat on you, they will do it - regardless of preferences!

'This is a gay man. I will not buy into the idea that he is Bi either, there is always the possibility but my experience tells me different.'

I'm bi- bi people exist. :) As he also has sex with OP, the most likely explanation is that he's bi at the very most.

As @loveyoutothemoon says, what someone watches in porn mightn't even have any relevance to what they want to do IRL- it's fantasy. Some women fantasise about being raped for instance, doesn't mean they want to be raped.

If a man watching gay porn is automatically gay then I’m married to a gay man and he is married to a lesbian. The best bit about porn is that it is a fantasy.