Hand hold needed for break up

[anotherglass]

My life is a mess. I am in my late forties in a loveless marriage that I am only sticking at for the kids. I became involved with another man who provided some intimacy and affection but is emotionally unavailable. I need strength to walk away from this relationship and get my life back on track. Hand hold please.

Have you considered that the dc might benefit from two happier separate parents, rather than miserable couple?

Yes I have and I have told my husband that I want to break up. He thinks we can fix the marriage. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for 5 years.

Thank you. My self esteem has hit the floor. I am embarrassed and ashamed at how I live my life.

Your husband doesn't get final say in whether you stay together.

Start making some moves to change things, you'll start to regain your sense of self worth.

Have you had legal advice? Why not start a divorce?

The divorce will be messy. DH says he does not want to lose the kids and will not move out.

My immediate issue is that I am dealing with a break up from the emotionally unavailable guy. This was my escape out of my miserable marriage. I recognise this relationship was not good for me.

I know all this sounds pathetic. My husband too is emotionally unavailable so I have felt lonely and sad for a long time.

I want to improve my life. I just lack the strength to do this.

You don't lack the strength. Really you don't. It's in there somewhere.

It's a case of little steps at a time. If you divorce, eventually there will have to be financial settlements, decisions regarding the marital assets and arrangements for the dc. Assuming no DV, while you're divorcing you could share the same home - it'll be uncomfortable, but not that much different than what you have already.

You might want to think about why you picked another emotionally unavailable guy for your affair partner - maybe some counselling to address this?

Counselling might be a good call anyway, just to help you start to see your way out of this a bit. Are you under the GP for low mood?

Thank you for your response. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment and that is prompting me to think hard about my choices. The therapy has been insightful and is helping but also making me feel very frustrated about the current situation. I can see how my choices have been poor but lack the resources now to push the changes thru.
I don't like anti-depressants. I prefer to manage my mood with exercise and healthy eating.
My immediate issue is untangling my messy love life. I know I need to break it off with the OM, but this is painful as I have been using this relationship as an escape and source of physical intimacy, which completely lacking in my life.

How would your DH react if he knew you were cheating?
Would it make it easier to then get out of your marriage?
Start looking into what separation would look like.
Do you own your home? Are you on the mortgage?
Do you rent?
Do you work?
Does your DH work?
How old are the DC?

I have told my DH I want to see other people.

We have been sleeping in separate rooms for nearly 5 years. It has been a sexless all this time. It is a miserable existence and I cannot live like this anymore.

We own the house jointly. I work full time.

The kids are 16 and 14.

Thank you for replying.

Anyone else going through this ?

Hi OP. I am going through similar.

I’ve been unhappy in my marriage for about a year. My DH isn’t abusive or a bad person, we just have no connection any more. We got together and married young, had children very fast and now I feel as if we have outgrown each other.

I’ve been having what I suppose is an EA with a colleague, nothing physical but we text and talk a lot and I have confided in him that I would like to end my marriage. He tells me he does have feelings for me, but I should not make any decisions based on him as it would never work for lots of reasons. He has encouraged me to be frank with my husband about how unhappy I am so we can either fix things or I can leave.

I actually told my husband about my EA. He was very hurt but said he could understand how his behaviour had driven me to speak to someone else who was willing to listen and empathise with me.

We had a conversation last night where I said I didn’t feel the same way anymore and thought I would be better off alone. He told me that if I left he would kill himself. So I feel I am completely trapped.

I’m also dealing with my feelings for OM, which are very strong. I feel as if I am going through a break up which no one else knows about. When I think about not having him in my life I cry, but I know he is right. There are so many reasons why we would not work.

I feel as if my husband deserves to be with someone who can give him the love and affection he deserves, but I can’t see a way out at all.

I’m really sorry to hear what you are going through. You really need some space away from both men to let your feelings settle. Is it possible for someone else to have a word with your husband? You shouldn’t feel trapped in this way. Have you got support in RL to help you stay strong? Big hugs.