Emotionally unavailable parents - worried I will be the same

[WorriedSoonToBeMother]

I’m 8 months pregnant with my first child and reflecting on my own relationship with my parents. I have come to the conclusion that my parents were, and still are, emotionally unavailable. I had everything I needed as a child but I was lacking that stable emotional connection. I’ve always known my relationship with my parents was not ideal but have been able to see the problem more clearly as I tried to connect emotionally with my mum through the now shared experience of pregnancy and she pushed me away as she has done throughout my life.

I can see how this has come about and have empathy for them as both had difficult upbringings and I also know my maternal grandmother didn’t have a mother figure which I think probably affected how she parented my mum.

Anyway, I really want to break this cycle and do the best I can to be emotionally available for my own daughter (I’ve made good progress and my self-esteem is already a lot better and I am not afraid to share my emotions with my husband – even if they are negative, but I’m worried that this isn’t enough and I’m not far enough along with my own healing to be able to get it right with my daughter). I don’t want to repeat the mistakes my mum made, although I’m sure I’ll make plenty of mistakes of my own. I was just wondering whether anyone could relate to this and, if so, whether there’s any resources or techniques you’ve found helpful.

I can absolutely relate to this and pregnancy often triggers us to reflect on our own upbringing. You'll find your own way with your baby and although you may not always get it right you can still be the parent you want to be. My parents were emotionally unavailable and expected me to take on adult level of responsibility in the family business from a young age. They dont respect boundaries and disliked me trying to find my own way in life. Having my own views, wants or needs was actively discouraged. I have an ok but not fantastic relationship with them now. I also have a 14 month old DD and their view is that she has me 'wrapped round her little finger' because I try to be very responsive to her, listen to her wants and needs, and respect her boundaries. In terms of proactive things you can do (because I always like to feel that I'm working towards something) have a look at baby sign courses in your area. At 14 months DD has an array of signs to aid her developing speech so she can quite clearly tell me what she wants. It's also something we can do together which I love as my parents dont value quality time. I have also read up on bodily autonomy and practice this with DD - this is using the correct names for body parts and respecting that DDs body is hers so if she doesn't want a kiss from granny that's ok. I have tried to spend time bonding with DD but equally I have been mindful where she hasnt met a milestone (she was a special care babe following traumatic birth) and have pushed for her to get the help she needed whereas my parents ignored medical needs. Most importantly find some nice mum friends (mush is a great app) to talk about any concerns with and seek support and your parents probably wont be the best people to be guided by.

Thank you, your post really resonates with me. It's interesting that you mention the ignoring of medical needs as this is a theme from my childhood as well. Also like you I don't have an awful relationship with my parents now as they weren't neglectful or abusive.

I'll definitely look into baby sign language! I don't live in the UK so not sure whether there will be courses here but I've seen a few videos on youtube etc.

I think that your awareness of this and having made a conscious decision to be more emotionally connected then you will be.

I show DD more affection than my parents did me and I intend to do everything I can to bolster her confidence. I'm aware of these two things because they are things I could have done with more of from my parents (even though in other ways they were great).

I try to model my parenting on that of my SIL and a couple of particular friends who have brought up children who are happy and confident, able to show their emotions and are also respectful and behave well towards others.

I found that growing up my parents weren’t very good with emotions; I know they did their best but I don’t think their emotional availability was great and i grew up learning that any difficult emotions should be pushed away and I always had to present as happy and coping. I also never felt like I was prioritised and that’s had a big impact on my own self esteem and where I’ve then looked for love.
I’ve now got a nearly 3 year old and I’m very into letting her express her emotions and helping her understand them rather than trying to inhibit them or gloss over them. I think quite a bit about as she gets older how I want to do things and the type of relationship I want with her; I do worry that I’ll end up following the same patterns as my mum but I think being aware of it is the first step to doing things differently.
I would do some reading around attachment, what your attachment style is and some of the gentle/attachment parenting stuff; I haven’t followed it like co sleeping but some of it I found really useful.

INeedNewShoes I hope awareness does help, I think it should - I just need to remember it in the moment and stop myself from slipping into old habits. Though I have been working on this anyway and it gets easier and easier. Yes, I think that's a good idea to have people who can provide a template that you want to follow. The relationship my husband has with his parents is something I aspire to for my own family but sadly my mother-in-law passed away so I can't ask her how she did it. I'm hoping my husband will naturally know but am conscious that I don't want to be the stereotypical emotionally unavailable mother coupled with the father who is great but necessarily works long hours. None of my close friends or family have children yet, I'm hoping to make some mum friends when this one is born.

user yes, the repression of emotions is a big thing I want to avoid. I'll look into attachment and attachment styles - thanks for the terminology.