Can this be fixed?

[Myusernameisunique]

DH and I have been married for almost 10 years and together for nearly 14. Two DCs together ages 8 and 4. We’ve been together from young (19) and grown up together. We’ve had some really hard times and some absolutely amazing times. More or less what’s expected in a long term relationship. We’ve had a bit of a rough time recently. DH took a second job on about a year ago that I asked him not to do. He’s exhausted and it’s wearing him down. It makes me unhappy to see him like that and we’ve argued many times about it. About 8 weeks ago we had a really silly argument and I told him I wanted him to leave. Complete heat of the moment stuff and I’ve since apologised and said I shouldn’t have and would never do it again. He was funny after that though, just seemed off. I asked him what was wrong a lot, I just wanted him to talk to me, and he’d keep saying nothing until about 4 weeks ago when he said he didn’t know if he loved me anymore. He wasn’t happy, he didn’t know what he wanted. I was devastated. I love him so much always have done and I don’t want our family to split up. We ended up after a lot of talking deciding to try and fix things. I’ve been really trying with the things he said really bothered him because I want to make this work. I’m. It a very affectionate person so I’ve been trying to fix that. I’ve also been a lot more patient with him if he forgets things and try not to let his work bother me. We had a two week holiday booked with the kids so went on that. Nothing felt right and every other day I would be having a discussion with him asking what was wrong for him to say there was nothing. He loves me he’ll always love me he wants to be here and fix things. We’ve now been home for 5 days. Still things aren’t right I know it won’t change overnight but it’s just a general feeling from him that he’s not happy. I’m obviously getting a bit tired now of constantly trying and having nothing back in return so it all came to a head again tonight. He’s told me he will always love me and care for me but he isn’t romantically in love with me right now. I’m devastated. We’ve talked and he’s agreed to couples councilling to work through things as we also both agree that if we split up that’s it for us because we don’t want to put our DCs through us splitting up and getting back together. Has anyone else experienced this and can give me some advice? I want this to work out so badly for my DCs and my little family we’ve made but I accept it may not. I’d love to hear stories from both sides where it has and hasn’t worked out and any advice for helping DCs through if I need to. They love their daddy and would be devastated if we split so I need to have something prepared for that. DCs and I are going to stay with my Dsis tomorrow for a few days and I’m hoping is not being here might both give him space to think and also maybe let him realise how much he really does still want this family to work.

You need to do the 180.

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

One of the following has happened:

• he's got his eye on someone and wants to.clear the way so he can try it on, without you having the right (in his eyes) to be upset about it/ to make it so he can come back to you if it doesn't work out
• hes having a full blown affair
• hes fallen out of love with you just because.

Distant fourth option, he has clinical depression and needs to get himself treatment, which only he can choose for himself or it's pointless.

Regardless of which option. You need to take your hands off the wheel on this one and let the chips fall where they may. Do the 180.

I'm so sorry you're hurting like this x

I like this and will be following it if I can thank you. I’ve been trying already but I’m a bit of a mess to be honest. I actually think it is the distant 4th option with DH. It’s not an affair that I’m sure of. It could also be the third option. Too much back story and to outing really for here but he’s had a really shit time if it growing up and we are NC with his family. He’s not really got friends where we live whereas I have a good small circle of lovely close friends and family (they love him too). Those issues plus the exhaustion are what I’m blaming for how he feels.

Bumping to see if there’s anything else that lovely mumsnetters can add?

I wouldn’t suspect an affair at all. It sounds like you saying you wanted him to leave was the spark which lit the fire. It naturally got him thinking about the process of leaving, what it would mean to be single, to start over again, what his life would be like without you; and in doing so, musing on the state of your relationship currently - and realised that breaking up wasn't as much of an awful proposition as he might initially have thought. Unfortunately, sometimes things said in the heat of the moment come back to bite you.

I suspect the space of you going away is going to be good for both of you: your absence will either make him realise that he doesn't like you being absent, and then the best thing you can do is arrange marriage counselling to get to the heart of the issues which have made your relationship rough recently. Or, he'll realise that he does definitely want to separate, and then at least you have a clear answer and path to follow.

Best of luck. And use the time away to think as much as you can about what you want rather than allowing the focus to be all on him. If the relationship hasn't been great for a while, maybe this will be the better thing for you all. DH can still be a great parent to the DC after you separate, that isn't the end of the world.

Thank you @ComtesseDeSpair. Currently waiting for marriage councilling as even if we do separate it will hopefully help us with explaining and guiding the children through it. It’s not what I want at the moment but who knows what I’ll feel as time goes on. I just think 14 years is a lot to just end it full stop and we should definitely explore making it work.