What does this mean? Does my DH still love me?

[Clumsywith2leftfeet]

My DH and I have been having relationship issues for the last 6 or 7 months, after a pretty wonderful relationship (with usual ebb and flow that comes with marriage) for 9 years. We had an argument this morning when he said he'd had enough and he was "done" with me. He's never said or hinted at that before.

Tonight I needed a bit of reassurance about how he feels about me so I asked if he still loves me. He replied with "yes I have feelings for you". For the first time in 9 years he didn't say he loved me when I said "night night, I love you" and kissed him, he didn't kiss me back and for the first time he is sleeping on the sofa and not in bed with me.

I have no doubt about my deep love for him. To me he is my soul mate and best friend and I understand marriages have problems and believe that if the love is there and willingness from both sides to get through tough times together no matter what has happened, a marriage can be worked on and issues resolved in time.

When he says he has feelings for me rather than "yes i do love you", does that mean he isn't sure if he loves me, or the feelings aren't love?

I'd be grateful for the wonderful advice I read every day on MN.

He could just be angry and sulking from the argument. You say there’s been problems for the last 6/7 months. Have you been arguing regularly throughout that time? It can really ruin a relationship.

What were the arguments about?

A marriage can always be worked on however both parties need to be 100000% committed to it! Also it’s probably best you don’t dwell on what he said about the whole having feelings thing. Different people express themselves in different ways and it is very easy to misinterpret! I really wish you all the best and hope it works out!

It doesn’t sound great & you might want to suggest counselling. 6-7 months of issues is a long time. It sounds like he is falling out of love, sorry.

Mashedspud

Arguments on and off, some weeks several, some
none and other weeks the odd one or two.

I've been going through a Major Depressive Episode and therefore low mood, lack of energy, and highly irritable and moody at times. I'm being treated by the GP, but yet to find the right dose so not feeling any effects so far from the meds. I've suffered in the past and on the only medication that ever worked for me so it was the obvious choice to try first.

He struggles with it understandably, I'm more emotionally demanding (even though I have a professional to talk to) lacking self esteem and feeling like a failure and he seems resentful of this and although he admits he knows nothing about depression, refuses to learn more about. Probably due to his uncertainty rather than not caring. He's not the most empathetic type but usually thoughtful through actions such as making me breakfast in bed, letting me stay in bed if I'm having a bad day, bringing me a cuppa, a box of chocs and flowers when he knows I'm struggling....that sort of thing.

Omar1986

Thank you for the reassurance and advice.

It sounds like he could possibly be suffering from Carey’s fatigue. I find it odd you didn’t mention your health issues in your opening post. It’s pretty vital information to factor into why he could be feeling disconnected.

Am always wary when people describe their relationship as being great & dust significant issues & friction in the relationship as the “usual ebbs & flows” of a relationship. What does that even mean? In this instance OP is saying she has been very emotionally demanding of her husband for some time, he is worn out, her meds aren’t yet working & he is at the end of his emotional tether. It’s just brushed off as saying “well he’s understandably struggling but why doesn’t he love me?!”

Maybe he is worn down & not feeling loved. Caregiver burnout is a very real thing & I don’t think depression is a reason to demand so much from other people. I have a bipolar type 2 so part of this involves having major depression. It’s not ok to use people as emotional crutches then wonder why they start pulling away from you. Even in sickness & health, because you cared about your emotional wellbeing over your partner. Maybe it is time to out him first now, as he is obviously struggling badly.

Carer’s Fatigue not Carey !

I would be concerned because he sounds like he's checked out of the relationship. He's on the sofa, he's not saying he loves you anymore. You seem to be thinking that if you tell him you love him then that makes up for your difficult times and several weeks of arguments but unfortunately it doesn't.

It sounds like he’s emotionally distancing himself from you. Only he can tell you if this is temporary.

Prawnsword
I didn't mention my health issues as I am trying not to let my Depression define me, I'm not trying to brush it under the carpet. I understand it's important and before I got medical help I did use him as an emotional crutch. Since then I've tried to not do this or at least limit it. Although I realise I may not be being as successful as I think/hope. We worked out that one way to do this is by instead of going on about how crap I'm feeling or what a s**t day I've had, I say a number to convey what type of day or part of day I'm having/had depression wise with 1 being worst and 10 being "I'm doing very well at the moment".

If I say I'm for example a low number, that's when he will do one of the thoughtful gestures I mentioned, or encourage me to go out for a bike ride. I have often used exercise as a stress relief in my adult life so he realised that could help my depression.

I'm think I'm being more emotionally demanding in not feeling like I have the extra capacity to be available for him as much as I used to when I'm having a bad day. Sometimes, it is at blatant as saying " please just hold me" when I'm crying and feeling helpless.

However these are all good intentions but sometimes I am more snappy, I've been more likely to give a gut reaction to things than consider them and my mood swings and gut reaction. I think it can make me hell to live with on a bad day. This I am working on with my counsellor.

By ebbs and flows of marriage, I mean the odd differences of opinion, or disagreements about things that you later realise don't actually matter or you can both compromise if its an issue that needs it or agree to disagree if that's appropriate.

I'm not saying "why doesn't he love me". I'm feeling uncertain if the change is what he said last night and actions of sleeping on the sofa are an indicator that he is falling out of love with me.

I certainly don't feel loveable or deserving of his love at the moment and feel like this is all my fault. I am also working on my self esteem with my counsellor. My self esteem has been battered and bruised quite a bit in the past due to childhood, and domestic violence in my previous marriage. I worked on my childhood with a psychotherapist in my late teens and my previous marriage 11-12 years ago with a previous counsellor. These were the other times I suffered from depression.

My question was more wondering what others would think of him saying he has feelings for me rather than he loves me as it was a shock to hear.

I'm not sure if that make sense or if I've written a pile of c**p after not much sleep last night!

Minesagin37
I think deep down I know you're right I just haven't wanted to admit it. I'm holding on to the hope that I'm wrong. I've noticed I don't see him smile at me anymore. The last time he looked at me with love in his eyes was when I fell of my bike a couple of weeks ago and a group of passers by helped me and called an ambulance and him. He gazed at me adoringly and was so caring and looked worried about me but as soon as he brought me home he changed and he ignored me again and I've not seen it since. It's made me go back through photos to try and spot when it changed, when his smile stopped reaching his eyes. We can be out and he ignores me but his smile comes out for our family and friends and disappears when he talks to me. Be sociable until we come home then almost moody.

I've been trying everything I can think of. Romantic gestures, cooking his favourite meals and having them ready for him when he gets home, initiating sex even though the combination of depression and meds has zapped my sex drive, doesn't sound much but what I'm trying to say is I'm trying to be more like I was before the depression even if it isn't coming naturally I suppose.

I'm not blaming him he may well feel he's protecting himself emotionally