Travelling husband

[MissEliza]

My dh has had to travel abroad as part of his job for at least 12 to 13 years. We've been married for 21! and have 3 dc from 19 to11. His exact pattern of travel has varied from role to role, he's been a gold card frequent flyer for a long time.
I used to joke I was happy to get the remote control but truthfully, over the last few years, I felt lonely and started to question the point of our marriage. I understand he can't control his work load but it's what he does in his spare time that bothers me. To illustrate, since the beginning of September he has been away for two to three nights every single week. When he's back, he's constantly on the phone or email with work or - and this is what annoys me - on the phone to friends or his family. His parents will come in mid November for a visit (he's not British) and in the only week he doesn't have to travel between then and now, he's going to go back to his home country for a week. Basically he's chosen to give up a free week to catch up with all of us to be with his own family. When he is home, he is constantly working - which I am sympathetic with - or on the phone to friends or family. We literally never spend quality time together talking. He doesn't seem to care we don't spend time together. I'm particularly annoyed about his upcoming trip home as it seems pointless when his parents will visit us a week later. On top of this, he's planning his twice yearly lads trip away in January.
I just feel this isn't a marriage. We are apart so much and he seems to prioritise everyone over me. He's away from tonight until Thursday but chose to spend his free time last night on the phone mentoring some random person from uni about his career. We barely spoke. Then this afternoon he messaged and said he'd be too busy to call before I went to bed. I'm just fed up and don't see the point of marriage.

Set up date nights. Booked into his schedule. It may seem horrible and formal, but it works.

It does sound like he's overinvested in work and it wouldn't be at all surprising if he burns out at this rate... talk to him about that, third date or so.

Raise it with him - tell him how you feel and ask whether there is any point going on.

Honestly I have raised it with him. I've told him I feel lonely and that I miss him. This happened in spring. Tbh he seemed a little annoyed but promised to change. But here we are again. I was particularly annoyed last night that he spent his only free time last night mentoring someone. I think it makes him feel important to give out advice,
We do have 'date nights' but it's getting harder with his travel commitments as he's often jetlagged.

Bloody hell I just reread all of this and feel so sad.

I think you’re right to feel sad. He’s not putting any effort into the relationship at all, yet seems to do with other people.

Have another talk? Tell him you’re wondering whether you should stay together as things haven’t really gotten better since you last talked. See what he says. But I do think splitting up would be better than a life like this.

I work away a lot. You’ve made me question how I am when I’m back!

There's only so many times you can have the same conversation.

What would single life look like for you?

I thought people would tell me to get a grip! Tbh the single life would be a piece of cake to me but the ironic thing is we are happy as a family IFSWIM. He is a good and involved dad. I made my feelings clear before the summer about the way things are for me and he acted all sad about it but then once work gets back to normal after summer holidays, he reverted to the same old behaviour. I think it's a lost cause. I am lucky to have good friends and a job I enjoy but honestly I think my marriage is a bit disappointing.

Then end it. Or at the very least make it clear that you will be if things don't change. You have to be icy cold, mean it and follow through though, or it's just seen as moaning. There's no question he could carve out lots of time for you, he just doesn't want to.

As he is a Gold card holder the exec club do great deals for tickets. He should have tons of Avios points. Suggest he gets a companion ticket and go on some of his business trips with him. Your 19 year old can look after your 11 year old for a short time and bring in friends and family to help out when you are away too. I know his business will pay for his flights and you might have to sit in another cabin to him but make it fun, even if its just for a few days. I see it frequently on board the business man taking his wife away on a business trip.

We did that a couple of times @litterbird when the dcs were younger and my parents or his stayed with them. At that point we desperately needed that time together as having young children and being alone frequently was draining. However since those days I've gone back to work and as I work in a school, there's no way to ask for time off. He does make little comments about that but thank god I have that job. All my friends work so I'd be going days without proper adults conversation. I appreciate your suggestion though.

@MissEliza not questioning his love for DC but if he’s away as much as he is ie nearby al l the time, how does he manage to be an “involved” dad?

Nearly all - oh for an edit button!

Yes how is he a good dad where is the family time

I think it’s over I’m afraid

Women in poor relationships often write the, "he is a good dad comment" when they can really think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

How is he a good dad to his children exactly if he is hardly ever there?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?.

Do not continue to do your bit here to show your children that a crap marriage like this is still acceptable to you on some level. Your marriage is far more than "merely disappointing"; its utter rubbish and with you settling for crumbs. Would you want this type of a relationship for them as adults, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

And what sort of comments does he make about your job?. Derogatory ones?.

I don't think I'd describe my DH as a good, involved dad if he spent half the week working away and the rest of the time on the phone?

I remember growing up in a very very similar situation and even us kids could feel the distance growing between us and our dad, who was once very involved. Would the kids even notice if you separated? Because my youngest siblings didn't notice for about a year after my dad moved out.

He’s checked out of your relationship. Not much in it for you.

He can be a good dad without being married to you.

Tbh the single life would be a piece of cake to me but the ironic thing is we are happy as a family IFSWIM. He is a good and involved dad.

He can still be a good involved dad if you split up. The difference is, when he's home and spends time with his DCs, you can be out having a date with someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat just things like 'well you could cone to this event in Paris with me if only you weren't working.'

I travel for work. Probably 2-3 days every second week. I definitely don’t enjoy travelling in my spare time as much anymore. My travel ‘needs’ seem to be met by the travel I do for work.

I think a frank conversation needs to be had. Date nights really are essential. Tell him that it’s very important that you guys reconnect during the time he’s at home and how you lonely you must feel at times.

If this doesn’t work, I’d be splitting up.

I’m glad to not be on a phone/do work when I’m at home.

This does sound like a very lonely existence. And I'd be quite insulted if the only free time without travelling, my DP chose to go off with 'the boy's or visit his family.

Does he participate in family life when he is there?

Oh wow. No wonder you feel lonely. Why did he have to take that phone call last night? He should have spent the evening with you! He’s treating you like a nobody. You get none of his attention or time. I’d be insulted to be honest. I think it’s absolutely awful and you deserve better. You must feel pretty hopeless inside. Don’t you think you’d be better off trying to find somebody else who wants to do things with you? You’ve got a very lonely long old age coming up otherwise. The kids will be gone and you’ll have nobody. I’m not sure why you’ve put up with it as long as you have. Would he even notice if you split up? It doesn’t sound like it! Honestly, if it was me, I’d go see a solicitor and see what divorce will look like. What’s the point in keep talking to him about this? It’s like you’re divorced already to be honest although he gets the benefit of coming back to a well cared for home. Where’s your benefit? I’d not say anything and get the solicitor to send him a letter saying you’re filing for divorce so please forward his solicitors details. That will do one of two things. He’ll either have a wake up call or not. Either way what have you got to lose. Are you sure he isn’t one of those men that has another family in the country he’s always working in? I know somebody that happened to and your story sounds eerily similar to hers!

Oh and whatever you do don’t give up work! It’s your lifeline.

I'd have shagged someone else years ago out of loneliness. He's not a 'good dad', he's never there and when he is he is on the phone or away with lads or his family. This is no way to live. You've tried, he's checked out. I'd divorce him.