Sorry, its long.
I came out of a 23yr marriage that was really happy until the last 3 years, when I couldn't recover from an affair I discovered. Not an acrimonious split, just sad.
Then I meet this guy through a friend. Thought nothing of it.
He chases me.
Then I had a complete shag fest for 4 months, literally. It cheered me right up. We spent every day in bed, (during school hours - we both have x 2 teenagers) shagging each other senseless. He ran his own business and I chose my hours.
Then he said he ought to really get back to work as his business started to fall behind so we got a bit sensible about it but we really did fall in love. He was fun, funny, successful, a bit arrogant, I fancied him. He took me to meet his family abroad, we've taken his kids on holiday. We've been together just over a year now.
He isn't perfect, he can say careless things that offended me sometimes, he isn't particularly thoughtful and it transpires that he is quite damaged from being sent to boarding school in Africa, aged 4. He has a deep fear of rejection and has quite a fragile sense of self. He gets stressed easily, he's quite disorganised in most aspects of his life. He has an ex wife who still calls on him for everything and he obliges. (He left her and feels guilty, plus he has no family here and she's his safe place I think)
Here's my problem though. He gets really stressed with work.
A few weeks ago it really started to ramp up.
Every time I'd visit it was like a prolonged counselling session.
It would take hours of talking through everything to calm him down and it was beginning to wear me out.
I took on a new job in July and its a massive commute, really long hours and a steep learning curve. I feel exhausted and terrified all the time as I'm really out of my depth. I could do with a bit of support, but all we talk about is him.
3 weeks ago, I had worked so many hours and was so stressed I ended up in bed for 2 days. My boyfriend did nothing for me, my ex husband called my boss, took care of everything, filled the fridge and cooked dinner. The next time I visited my boyfriend there was a large vase of fresh flowers in his lounge that he had bought for himself and I was a bit hurt.
A couple of days later I came home exhausted to my teenage daughter having a meltdown. My boyfriend calls and I don't respond, he texts too but I'm feeling really stressed and don't respond for a couple of hours.
I text an apology, say I've had a nightmare day and I'll catch up in the morning.
He sends me a little video message in the morning saying he hoped I was ok and that he had a full weekend of work, I respond with a text(feeling a bit miffed that he had dedicated the weekend to work) saying 'ok, sounds like you are busy, have a good weekend!'
He calls again, I don't answer.
I realise I'm being unreasonable, I message on the sunday apologising, saying I'd had an absolute nightmare week, had felt ill with stress, had got my period and just needed a couple of early nights, baths and quiet time. I said I'd hoped he had a nice weekend and could I take him out to dinner the following night.
He responds coldly, he is clearly upset. He says he is massively under pressure with work and trying to juggle his kids and he can't deal with anything else. He said he really needs to focus on work and he hoped he would see me later in the week.
We usually see each other at weekends and a couple of nights through the week and message every day.
I just text reply - ok
Then I heard nothing at all, all week. I messaged him on friday and asked if he had had a productive week and would he like to go out that night.
He didn't reply until the following day, saying that he was massively under pressure with work, he had tight deadlines and could meet me for a quick coffee the next day. I think - gulp - I'm going to get dumped!
I call the friend who introduced us, asking if he'd seen boyfriend this week. he says he saw boyfriend in the week and he didn't even look up from loading his car upon being greeted and when asked how he was he just barked - 'stressed', friend followed up with a text message asking if he was ok, he replied, no - stressed! They are best friends.
Anyway, We meet. For 20 mins. He looks awful. he says he wakes up in the morning feeling like he's been crying all night. He literally can't cope with all the work pressure and he apologised for pushing me away but he just can't deal with anything else. He asked me to go home with him for sex, I declined.
He said he had to go after 20 mins. He said he loved me and left.
Heard nothing since.
I'm torn between feeling desperately sorry for him and wanting to support him, to very hurt that he has pushed me away. It seems something had to give and that was me.
I did message him over the weekend, prompting him to eat and get some rest, I tried to call but he didn't pick up.
He texted, I'm not blanking you, I just have too much to do.
Now I just feel lost and upset. He has been functioning. He has met with a friend, seen his kids, been on long dog walks etc but no messages to me, nothing.
Not sure what to do? He is the type that shoots from the hip and makes snap decisions, so the wrong move will end things abruptly.