8 year old DS at new school, is new teacher treating him unfairly.... ?

[Marzie800]

Ds is 8 and in year 4. I moved him to a (very good on paper) local village school in September as I’d moved house and thought it would be better friendship and school run wise to be in a local school. Until then he’d been at a very good school in the local city where he was very happy and had a lot of friends.

My ex and I divorced when ds was 4 and he has always been very very shy. It took him until year 1 before he’d speak to the teachers. He’s always been very well behaved and well liked at school and I don’t remember him ever being told off. It was quite a strict school too and his older brother was told off a fair few times in year 6.

Since he started I’ve found the other parents and staff to be unfriendly. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not from the village. It’s confusing. I went to parents evening last week and the first thing his teacher said was that he talked a lot and had had a red card already for misbehaving. I was utterly shocked. He was very high achieving at his previous school and said he was doing ‘okay’.

Today he came home with his torso covered in hives and very upset. I called the doctor and they said as he has no allergies it could well have been a stress response. He said he’d been really shouted at and then sent to the headteacher’s office as he had a hole in one of his books.

What should I do?

Maybe I’ve posted in the wrong section!!

I’d march schoolward to resolve.

It’s difficult because the change of school/home may be the result of stress but equally I think I’d make myself known at the school to reduce stress there too

I’d march schoolward to resolve

I WOULDN'T do any marching. I'd send a friendly email to his teacher and be open and say he's struggling and so are you. Ask to meet them and tell the teacher what you've written here. Don't assume anything or blame anyone just yet.

The teacher will want to help and listen and be sympathetic. If not then they're a rubbish teacher and not doing their job.

I have a decade of teaching experience if that helps.

Gosh my heart goes out to your boy who is so shy. I absolutely hate the idea of any child feeling shy or nervous at school. However may be he was chatty and didn't realise the rules, he's just a kid. Maybe mention it to his teacher and say its upset him x

Am I the only one curious to know why you automatically think the teacher is treating your son unfairly rather than accepting that your son’s behaviour might be the issue? Don’t you tell him off if he has misbehaved? I’m confused as to why you would have a problem with him being told off at school. I also find it hard to believe that all staff and parents in an entire school are ‘unfriendly’ What are you doing to build relationships with other parents?

It's got to be tough changing schools at 8 and trying to break into established friendship groups. Hard enough if you're confident but so much more difficult when you're painfully shy. I'd begin to wonder if this stress is causing him to misbehave and break out in hives. Make an appointment and chat with the teacher, see if they can help offer strategies but don't go in angry and shouty and blaming the teacher...... it won't get you to where you want to be.

Good old MN.

A dog bites a child and it’s out of character, the child was provoking him and has learned a valuable lesson.

A child who has always been quiet, well-behaved and high achieving is suddenly in trouble, is displaying symptoms associated with stress and is not doing well academically any more and clearly it’s his natural tearaway instincts kicking in.

Op, that sounds awful. Is your son able to open up to you at all?

Well moving schools as an 8yo has clearly unsettled him. I know I hated moving schools at age 9.

I feel for you and your young son ,we moved when my DD was about the same age.It takes time to settle in TBH. Why not go and see her and have a chat .We all naturally want to defend our DC but there are probably 2 sides to the story here !

There's two separate things, behaviour and unfriendliness. You need to get to the bottom of him getting into trouble, perhaps he isn't the angel you think he is? Perhaps he's been befriended by a naughty kid who knows but it's highly unlikely the teachers are making it up plus it could be his last school was lower achieving and he's struggling in the new school a bit plus change of home life.

The second thing you mentioned was parents being unfriendly, this was my experience in a village, to the point many were rude and told me to go back to where I came from (London) and "we" were buying up "their" houses - my h had a job 5 miles away hence moving!

Some villages have a large number of families who have been their for generations, they really resent outsiders

A child who has always been quiet, well-behaved and high achieving is suddenly in trouble, is displaying symptoms associated with stress and is not doing well academically any more and clearly it’s his natural tearaway instincts kicking in.*

Who talked about natural tearaway instincts? I can't find that phrase used anywhere

However, from experience, when children (and adults) are feeling uncomfortable and shy they can sometimes resort to behaviours such as excessive talking from nerves, showing off or playing the clown.
That's why people are encouraging the op to have a friendly conversation with the teacher to see if help can be offered. There's no evidence at present that this is down to the school, but if it is op, is moving back to his old school a possibility?

Is he misbehaving more or is the new school stricter so he is getting away with less?

Coming home from school with hives is not normal, you need to talk to them about that. While it could be anxiety I think you should also try to sound out whether there could have been a physical trigger. Noone knows they have allergies until they actually have a reaction.

Sounds like a good chat with the teacher is needed generally. Explain how uncharacteristic the behaviour is, try to find out more about the situations he's getting in trouble. Could it be playing up to try to get noticed by the other kids? Or is he doing things which were allowed at old school and aren't at new? Or are other kids shutting him out of things and he's reacting badly? (Not saying you should ask these things but try to find out about the situations with an open mind.) Don't worry about asking for another appointment, you were taken by surprise at parents' evening and hadn't got your head round it.

And a good chat with DS first to see if he can tell you what's going on. Was he talking a lot and why? How did he end up with a hole in his book?

My kids are confident and have been in schools with at least 30 in a year so would probably find transition to a small village school very hard.

First things first- talk to your lad. Where did the hole come from? Is he talking more? Why? I suspect that either the adult to child ration is much lower so things that wouldn't attract a teacher's attention in a 30 child class won't be accepted in a small class or there's a reason like being sat to a chatty child or the kids blaming yours and him not feeling confident enough to stand up for himself. How small are the classes? My kids would find it hard to find friends from a much smaller friendship pool.

With regards to the parents being unfriendly- I'm not surprised to hear that. My kids have always been at bigger schools but there are parents who aren't so friendly to those who move into the area.