Emotional affair

[waxmelt]

I have a question for those of you who have had an EA and those of you who's dp's have had an EA,

I'm trying to get over my DP having an EA and I'm trying to understand every aspect of it,

Those who had an EA was it more of an attention thing? They made you smile, forget about home life?

And for those who's DP's have had one any tips on getting over it?

My husband had one a few years ago. I guess I was at work an awful lot, he got the brunt of the childcare/housework. I worked long shifts and he was often alone during the evenings. He met someone online. I stumbled across it by accident. He'd emailed her from his usual email address, I then found where they were chatting and read it all. Every bit. He wanted to feel needed, attractive, desired. I guess I hadn't given him that. We are still together. We lead mostly separate lives. Bumbling along. I kept close tabs for a long time. Now I don't bother. I think he realised what he could have lost. Ultimately he lost my respect. It's never come back. And I have never felt the same way I did about him. I'll leave one day. When I gather the courage to do that to the children.

Humans why are you still with him if you don't want to be? I don't know how I would react but I'd like to hope I could understand that humans can makes mistakes.

He was genuinely remorseful at the time. My Dad was critically ill in hopsital at the time too. I guess I didn't have the back bone then. Now, we muddle along. He's never done it since of that I am sure. But he ruined us. I'm coming to it slowly.

@Humanswarm I really hope you find the strength to make yourself happy again, it's an absolutely awful thing to go through!

@GoodGriefSunshine I'm trying my hardest to understand from DP's side and I've accepted that I want to try and work on our relationship, some days are harder than others.

I tried so hard to understand. And I did. I do. But, I couldn't ever really put myself in his shoes. There's no justification. I have forgiven him. And I don't think about it all that much anymore. I do consider our relationship an awful lot. Hence why I feel like I do I suppose.

My DH had a brief EA. I stayed for a few reasons, even though I would always have said I would leave before being in that position.

It was brief, and she was keener than him.
He called it off, he refused to meet for sex "to get it out if their systems'. He showed me the whole messages over the 4 weeks, he never slagged me off in them, and regularly told her how much he loved me. After he called it off and blocked her, every time she tried to contact him (even stealing a friend's phone to text him 8 months after D day) he told me immediately. We also went to councilling.
On top of that, yes we were distant at the time I agree with that and I really, really enjoy my marriage bar that incident.

How I feel now? Well, I have gone back to work, I know my rights and what I'm due, if it ever breaks down I'm prepared. He also knows I will not forgive again, once can be stupidity, twice is unforgivable in my mind. I'm happy, love him but yes, think a little less of him than I used to.

@Itsallgonewoowoo

Thank you so much for replying, as far as I can see it's been goi on for around a year although he tells me 'feelings' started around 4/5 months ago!

He also tells me that he told her he loved me and never said a bad word about me but I'm just struggling to believe that, he said it start by her being there for him and then the phone calls become constant almost like a habit.

He's cut contact with her and I don't believe he would contact her again but this is all so fresh and I'm trying my hardest to get past it.

I demanded to see all the messages as I wouldn't take anything he said without proof. I also told him that I needed to know everything as any new revelations further down the line would only set us back. I gave him a week to tell me everything and said I was making no decision about our future for 6 months.
She was definitely the driving force as her marriage was long term unhappy, and it was difficult as she did keep trying to restart it again after things calmed down. Several times I decided to leave but then change my mind. Don't force yourself to do anything, just think it through and feel no guilt if you can't stay. My DH also never blamed me, never told me to stop talking about it, and that was a big thing for me as well.

For me it was totally about attention. I would not say that it just happened, as at each stage of starting to message and the odd coffees we had I knew it was crossing the line. I knew it was wrong so I deleted his number and have nothing to do with him now.

I didn't talk to him about my home life or relationship. That was part of the escape for me.

However, it made me realise I am not as happy in my marriage as I think. There is something missing and I hope we can get it back. But I am working on that now and not letting being involved with someone else cloud my judgement.

@hoolahop80

He tells me this is what it was for him, they never met up but it was phone calls daily. He said the feelings couldn't be real as he can see how it's hurt me and he is more than happy to cut her out of his life now.

I'll stick my namechanged head above the parapet and say I had/am having an EA with a married man (I stopped responding last week).

I'm not in a relationship so I can't tell you about it from that perspective. From my perspective it was a combination of attention, a break from normal life and the 'thrill'. I'm sorry I know how trite that sounds.

Happy to answer questions if you have anymore

To give an example that had a happier ending... I had an EA a few years ago with a guy from work. It was the attention 100%. I got a thrill from his messages. Nothing physical ever happened but we both did discuss it. My husband found out and the shit hit the fan in spectacular fashion. He was able to forgive me and we have moved on. Our marriage is now a lot stronger than it was and we will never take each other for granted like we had again.

So, it doesn't always have to mean the end.

I did a few years ago. I was in a crappy relationship, we didn't have sex, we didn't spend time together, we were living together but were basically roommates. Our trust was broken from him talking to other women during the first year, but I stupidly stayed. Then the relationship got worse and worse, he would constantly reject me and make me feel unattractive. And then I met a friend online, at first it was completely innocent but as months went on I found myself getting excited when he'd text, I had those butterflies that I had the start of my relationship. For me, it was just wanting to feel wanted again, to feel attractive, to escape the relationship I was in at the time, but felt trapped in.

For me, it was that I didn’t fancy my OH (he was self centred, lazy and had squandered money) but I did fancy this other man, and he me. I thought about him constantly and we texted daily. He worked in my building on Thursdays and I was so very excited on Wednesday nights. So, for me, it was purely about lust because I had no such feelings for OH and was disgusted by his behaviour. I wanted this guy as a FWB but he refused, saying he’d fallen for me. Eventually, he changed jobs and I haven’t seen him since. This was many years ago, before smartphones/social media (I text him from a Nokia brick) and I seldom think about it now. I don’t regret it because my ex wasn’t much cop.

Your husband’s situation seems very different to mine.