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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If your sibling is an addict how do you cope?...Really struggling with my feelings

6 replies

fitasafiddle · 22/10/2019 13:57

I feel such anger and hatred towards my sister. Spent at least the last 20 years at least trying to help her and support my DParents but I am completely done. I'm sick of all the excuses to justify her behaviour. Its never her fault, she's never held a accountable for anything. They'll be some huge catastrophe of her making, DParents will wash their hands of her for 5 minutes then take her back under their wing saying it'll be different this time, new boundaries etc. Next thing another catastrophe and the whole cycle begins again. She's 47, crack addict. I can't remember a time before all this started it's been going on so long. I hate her and have massive anger towards my Dparents too for carrying on with this. How do other siblings of addicts cope?

OP posts:
Paddy1234 · 22/10/2019 14:01

For the grace if god we could all go there.
You have my ❤️ and hugs as what a horrible thing to put your family in. A whole generation scarred.
I have nothing to add - it's the devils drug and ruins everything and everyone around them

fitasafiddle · 22/10/2019 14:09

Thanks Paddy it's truly horrendous. This has ruined my parents life and had a big impact on their relationship with me and my family. Sister is oblivious and just feels pity for herself.

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BlastEndedSkrewt · 22/10/2019 14:18

sorry fitasafiddle but is she also a heroin addict? they usually go hand in hand ime

pudding21 · 22/10/2019 14:28

I am in a similar position to you, my sister is an alcoholic and my Mum keeps bailing her out and picking up after where she has fucked up. I do think my parents avoided discipling her as a child becasue she was so tricky and would kick off all the time. Her alcohol problems began aged 13, and it was not nipped in the bud enough, but we know more now than we did before (ie. I would have her to counselling from age 13, she actually didn't go to rehab until she was 31 for the first time).

Its a tough one because she has periods where she is ok. All I get from my Mum is she is mentally ill and needs help. Thing is she avoids all "proper" help and at the moment she likes getting so pissed she cant function for weeks at at a time. One day being sober we have #healing #onit 'backtomyself posts on social media. Then she goes to ground again.

Her behavious over the years has destroyed many relationships, my parents have split up after 44 years of marriage as they couldn't agree on how to manage it (she is 43 now!) and my relationship is strained with my mum dad and sister. We are divided as a family My brother had given up. My mum is currently paying for an expensive court proceedure to try get access to her 9 year old son, he doesnt want anything to do with her either. Its very sad, and she never ever puts her hands up and says sorry. She just buries her head.

I dont blame my mum at all, she is her daughter and she wants her to be well. But my parents are entering their 70s where they should be relaxed and enjoying their retirement and its the opposite. My mum is so stressed she doesnt sleep, has had several falls recently and I am sure its all stress.

Anyway, just wanted to say you are not alone, the guilt of doubting her is hard to deal with, let alone the worry she will be found at the bottom of her stairs. She is a beautiful and smart woman, she has wasted her life and could have achieved so much. Sadly I can't see her pulling herself out of it anytime soon and the lies keep coming. She has recently had a provisional diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. I don't doubt that she has "demons" and she needs help, but at the moment she does not want it. What she cannot seem to link is her drinking has literally caused every single issue she ever had (breakdown in relationships/ friendships, losing jobs, not reachng her potential, putting herself in dangerous situations, injuries, losing her driving licence twice, getting a reputation locally). I feel for you and your family, its very hard indeed. She is so loved too, she has had more support than anyone else I know.

Paddy1234 · 22/10/2019 14:32

When you get to that level - tbh it's any drug they can get three hands on.

It's ok to be angry with your sister, but try not to judge your parents too much. The heartbreak of being next of kin to an addict is soul destroying as if you haven't got your parents who have you got?

However personally I would try to go as NC as you can. It's an almost impossible war to win ❤️

fitasafiddle · 22/10/2019 16:02

There has been heroin as well Paddy, and I think probably any drug she can get her hand on. I try so hard to see it from my parents perspective, but it is really hard to hear my mum being convinced that this time it's different and she is off drugs only to be proved wrong a short time later.

Pudding, thank you. You know exactly how it feels. My sister was always a difficult person and I think we tended to tread on egg shells around her growing up like your Sister. I have often wondered if my sister has a personaliy disorder too. It does seem a fairly common thing with serious addicts. Sending you and your family lots of love x

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