Feel like I am being sucked back in. Trying to stay strong.

[LuckyBug89]

Long story short, ExP abusive, police involved, we split. All assessments cleared by SS and police have cautioned him. Now we are left to try and sort contact out between us.

He's currently living with his Nan, who is 79, and has no other family in area. Looking like to see kids he needs to come here after work. He's not in a financial position to take kids out and has no car.

This past week he has messaged me constantly. Apologising and acting friendly. Now he is a very charming man, as most narcissistic abusers are, I am becoming obsessive about texts from him. I want him to message but I don't. My anxiety is creeping up even though I managed to stop taking my meds a few weeks ago I had to take some last night.

I know he is bad for me. But at the same time I miss him. How do I stop myself from caving. He's due to come see the kids again next week after a month being apart.

Why has contact now seemingly been left like this, "now we are left to try and sort contact out between us". BTW there is no we here, there has never been a "we" when it comes to you and your ex.

I would speak to the likes of Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations today if you have not already done so. Have you enrolled yourself on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid, this is something I feel that could also help you re your weakened boundaries (boundaries that he himself has weakened).

Continue to not respond to his messages and send all of these to a junk folder.

You are being sucked back in and he will most certainly use these children as a further stick to beat you with. This is standard practice for abusive men re their victims, such people continue to remain abusive and exert their power and control over their targets post separation also.

It's not your problem to figure out how he can accommodate seeing his own kids. He will likely use it as a means to continue to try and exert control and jerk you around. I wouldn't give him the opportunity.

Its all very well telling OP not to get sucked in and not give him the opportunity etc but until youve been in that situation you have no idea how hard it is!
What OP needs is strategies to cope and ways to help her get over him.
I know this because im going thrush the same.
Im 17 weeks post separation and im almost at the point of contacting him i miss him so much.
Even though he has been unpleasant and verbally abusive. He's also trying to guilt trip the kids by telling them they will have to choose who to live with.

Its so hard and so confusing. Even though you know its a disaster being with them is soothing you know rather then the scary unknown of being alone.

There are no strategies for coping with him. There is only one way to cope with such a person and that is to have nothing at all to deal with the abuser.

It is not her sole responsibility to facilitate any form of contact here between he and his children. I have suggested that OP contacts both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women if she has not already done so.

Womens Aid's Freedom Programme would be something I suggest you also look into Winona as it could also help you no end with strengthening boundaries, boundaries that have been further weakened by your abusive ex.

I do need strategies. I have been staying strong so far by turning off notifications for his messages. So when he texts/messages on any platform I don't get a notification I have to actually click in to the app to see it.

My nerves about seeing him again are sky rocketing. I just know if he tries something it's going to kill me to stop it. This all only happened 4 weeks ago. He was always a controlling man but it started out so subtly that by the time I realised what was happening it was out of hand and I was in over my head. Completely isolated. He only turned physical that night I called the police and it was because he went for my DS that I think I just snapped and called them. (DS is fine by the way).

In regards to SS they were the ones who decided how contact could be arranged but they deemed him "no threat to me or DC's" and it was a "lapse in judgement". I actually got a bit annoyed at the SW because at times she seemed to be defending his behaviour as "different parenting styles", I strongly believe she was sucked in to his charm which he can switch on in a second, plus he is easy on the eye so he can be deceiving.

Anyway because of these things I am left to deal with working with my ExP to sort contact with DC, my DD actually doesn't want to see him, but the two DS's do, plus they both miss him.

The police deemed that contact etc is not their area, their job was just to sort the legal and justice side, which they did, although my case officer seemed equally shocked about ExP just being allowed to waltz back in without any boundaries in place off them.

Will look in to women's aid as PP suggested.

If you miss someone that hurts you, you probably need counselling to work out why you'd accept do little.

Perhaps you feel you need a relationship to feel valued, even if that relationship is shit.

Many abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world and people in authority can be fooled or otherwise manipulating into feeling sorry for the abuser.

I doubt actually that your DS's miss their dad as much as fear his wrath if they do not comply with him and or all of his demands of them. These children are all as much victims of him as well.

Do contact Womens Aid.

I think maybe just stop fighting the feelings around the loss of what you wanted the relationship to be. When you feel sad or you miss him, maybe just allow yourself to feel like this. Many of us miss people, it doesn't mean we don't understand we can't have that person in our lives anymore
Practically I'd block him on all but one thing, eg messenger. This will result in less contact from him and more time for you start growing stronger and healing.
The contact thing complicates things but many people learn to manage this without entering into a relationship again. A third party for a handover is really useful

Because it will get worse and you need to protect your children. He won't have changed at all, they never do. Please do contact WA and read Why Does He Do Thay bu Lundy Bancroft. It gets banded around a lot but once I read that I gained extensive knowledge and never looked back. I wished I'd read it before, it's an important book.

I had counselling specifically to ensure I resisted when he wanted back. I told the counsellor I want to see you to help me not go back when he asks. Ex-h did want back and I did say no and mean it - a few sessions of counselling really helped. Could you find a way to do this?

Perhaps arrange to have a friend with you when he comes for contact? Someone you trust, who will support you not to cave? And push hard on future contact being elsewhere, a contact centre for example?

How old are DC's?

Well done on muting his notifications. That's a really positive step.

It's his tough luck if he doesn't have transport. Is it feasible for you to take them to his nan and leave them? Is she a safe person?

Why can't he see the dc at his nan's place for a few hours?

It would be worth taking them there and picking them up, rather than having him in your home. You could drop them at the gate and go home/have coffee somewhere with a friend, then pick them up later (ideally friend comes with you).

Block him and tell him email only. Put it into a folder and check it on a twice weekly basis

And do the Freedom Programme

NO to coming to here to see the children, it is not good for anyone at all. He needs to sort that out and then you can help him. Your DD doesnt want to see him - you need to be strong for her otherwise you are showing her unhealthy relationships

If you go back it will escalate back - I remember your original thread

My DC are 10 (DD), 7 and 2 (both DS).

I am trying to stay strong, I can already tell he hasn't changed. Since I haven't replied to his messages he has resorted to messaging my DM to try and fish for information. He found out I went out for a couple of hours over the weekend with some friends and he is trying to find out when I came home and who I was with. It's all so mental that he can't actually see how controlling he is being.

I have heard about the freedom programme before so will take a look. And see if I can download that book to my kindle. I have already read one called "women who love too much" and that's been quite insightful.

I wouldn’t facilitate contact at your home, he’ll use it to snoop etc and try and control you more.

I would also get another phone so that you don’t have to keep checking his messages (which BTW are unnecessary), this will alleviate your anxiety. Please, understand that you are having to take the meds again because he’s trying to coerce you

Personally, it’s not your problem if he can’t afford to have contact elsewhere. I would drop off the DC to a park etc and collect later (l would advise that you do this with a friend or family member).

Also, contact anyone and everyone for support: GP, WA, rights of women.

Also, why does he need to come after work?

Your house is your safe place. If he kicks off, tell him to take you to court and finalise contact there.

Strategies:

Communicate by email only and only respond to emails directly relating to your children. Block him on all other forms of communication.

Do not allow him into your home. There will be free things he can do locally - let him find them.

Have a friend or family member with you when he comes to pick them up - they do the handover.

Remind yourself constantly that this is not love, it is addiction: abusers activate the same pleasure centres via their 'intermittent reinforcement' as addictive drugs do, so biochemically there is no difference in your brain - you can google this. You are an addict and he is your heroin. You do not take little bits of heroin to stay clean. When you are clean, you keep away from the heroin, until the day when the thought of the heroin means nothing to you. However long that takes.