I need to be more nasty and less nice!

[Anon20191]

Please only respond if you genuinely have advice and tips. I’ve come to a point now that I’m nearly hitting 40 and realise I need to be setting boundaries with EVERYONE. As one poster said in my other thread (feel free to read for some perspective) that my lack of boundaries is rubbing off on my daughter now as I’m causing her to blur her boundaries.

I really want to be more assertive and think of my needs, all my life people have described me as “nice, lovely, sweet and innocent” - all nice things to be said of course, BUT I’ve had to deal with so much crap cos I’m not assertive. I often apologise to people when they’ve been complete dickheads to me. Certain people in my life know I won’t defend myself so are always being so damn well rude as they know I’ll just be polite and not retaliate.

I do not want my daughter growing into being a door mat like her mummy! Helpful advice pls

I’d recommended getting yourself some counselling or coaching. It can be really helpful to work with someone on making those changes.

If you can train yourself to say “Let me think about it” instead of “Yes” automatically when you’re put on the spot, that can give you breathing space towards saying “No”.

The other belief to work on is the one that you are responsible for other people’s happiness. By trying to make everything ok for them, what you’re actually saying is that you don’t think they can come with a little discomfort. They can. You don’t have to fix things.

As for the people that are rude. I think a Mumsnet “how rude” would be a good start.

You are not alone. I need to do same. Sorry no advice from me. Have a with me instead!

I would agree that some coaching would be beneficial, or if that's not possible money wise then try getting some self help books on assertiveness / saying no etc - they may have some strategies to help and empower you.

Personally, I have always been a bit of a people pleaser and hated confrontation and it used to really affect my mental health. I would feel stressed, angry with myself and others, taken for granted etc.

In the end I just had to weigh it up and I decided to put myself first. Not in a selfishness above everything else or an aggressive way, just a firm no when I don't want to do something, calmly expressing my opinion if someone is being overbearing (or just plan wrong!), that sort of thing. I try to go by a 'never apologise, never explain' sort of mantra, within reason. I usually have an overwhelming urge to say sorry for things that aren't my fault or that I have no need to be sorry for, or I feel I have to make a good excuse up if I don't want to do something. Neither things are necessary really.

It takes practice to actually put these things in to practice, and you will feel like you're so far out of your comfort zone for a while, but in my experience it doesn't actually take long for people to stop viewing you as a pushover once you stop acting like one. Once that happens they will be less likely to put you in a situation where you need to use your strategies.

Julia Kristina on you tube
25 ways to say NO
It's brilliant.
Good luck.

baggagereclaim.co.uk is great and Natalie Lue who runs it talks about all sorts of relationship issues, including boundaries (any relationship, not just romantic ones). I downloaded all her podcasts and listened to them - she has some fab ones on boundaries, and you can put 'boundaries' in the website search and loads of useful articles will come up too