Any advice on making a long distance relationship work?

[MoreNiceCereal]

I've recently started dating someone who lives in America but his workplace had a long-term contract that requires him and his colleagues to live and work in England for several weeks at a time, with a break at home for a few weeks and then back out here.

It's all new between us, but we get along amazingly well (I'm American also, but have lived in England for some time now, settled here, etc) and although it's probably unrealistic to expect a fairytale ending,.I'd like to give things a shot with him. You only live once and so on.

We see each other as much as possible while he's in the country, so there is an element of "proper" dating going on, but obviously we need to somehow maintain connection while he's back home.

Any ideas of how to do that would be great!

FaceTime. Texting. Sexting 😉

My now wife and I did it and we have been together for almost 6 years the key is trust

I am in a LDR, 15 months in and never been happier. So hurrah for giving it a shot! We speak and whatsapp multiple times a day, never finish the day on an argument and try, as far as possible, to see each other every weekend - I know you can't do that, but do try and prioritise seeing each other during his UK times and maybe look at some US time for you? Also have fun plans for the time you're together - even if it's just a lovely walk to the pub, or a cinema trip, as it's lovely to have things to look forward to when you're not together. Best of luck!

😂 Just popping in to say good luck, properly ❤️❤️

I also read it's good to do more face to face communication (face time Skype) so that messages can't be lost. ESP when it's been a few weeks of seeing each other. So make sure you do that.

Baggage reclaim actually had a few articles about how to make it work

Yes, the days where we can't video call are much harder than those we can

My ldr broke down when we stopped ensuring we had the next time we would see each other planned before saying good bye to each other. It sounds like it takes spontaneity/surprise away but you can always add that in between. The gaps become much longer when you're not counting down to seeing each other again. It can just be "when you're back in 3 weeks, we will go to dinner on the Saturday, I'll book somewhere, just make sure you pack a nice shirt" or "i want a night in with a movie and cuddling on the sofa, you pick the movie, I'll get in some snacks."

Set something like that before you part ways.

Lots of talking when you are away from each other. You may be able to coordinate Facetime or Skype with the time difference (depends on where in the U.S.), but even when it's tricky, lots of emailing, even normal old letters and cards, etc. Then make the most of the times you have together when you can physically be in the same place.

My dh and I did 2 years with me in the US and him in the UK (I'm American). We only saw each other about every 2-3 months for a couple weeks or sometimes longer at a time. We did a lot of emailing and gchatting (Skype not as much of a thing back then and phone calls were expensive obviously). We used to have 'dates'. He would stay up til late and I would rush home from work (8 hour difference, I was on the west coast) and we'd have a few drinks, sit and chat.

It was hard being apart, but it actually gave us a lot of time to get to know each other and be sure that our values were aligned and we wanted the same things out of life. It's a bit easier maybe as we went into it (after about 9 months of dating) knowing that we wanted to get married and have a life together, so we were in it for the long haul. But we really got to talk and got to know each other during those years. When we saw each other, we didn't leave without a plan for when one of us would visit the other next.

It really is doable and it's very worth it, if it's the right relationship. In your case, it's made much easier by his work easing the financial pressure of the travel! The hard part for us was that it was expensive to fly back and forth 4 times a year when we were both still students and had very little income. Dh and I have been together for over 11 years now, married for 8 and have 2 dc, so we're proof it's possible.

@lifegoes thanks for the blog mention, I'll have a read. Texting is fine, sexting is awks as hell!! More practice required I guess, haha.
@Omar1986 glad to hear a positive story!
Really good ideas, @harriethoyle, thank you. Good luck to you btw!
And thank you @saltysally.
Thanks for this advice, @LoopyLu2019, I'll try to make a conscious effort to plan ahead more.
What a great read, @mindutopia, thanks so much. Congratulations to you both, making it through and starting a family together.

I don't know what I want or expect, but we like each other so we'll try.

I’m probably going to put it on a real downer here, but it’s just how it was for us, and every relationship is different. We had our first six months together everyday (we were housemates), where as I imagination being away right from day one makes it a bit easier.

He had periods of travelling a lot, but would often be in a country for one day etc and would be busy from first thing in the morning until very late at night.

What worked for us

• Not having a set time to talk, due to his schedule we had to just work on him telling me was going to be available at x time, often he could only give a few hours notice. If you can schedule a certain time it’s easier.
• Video call even if you have nothing to say, you can watch the same film etc while doing it or binge watch a new series. Video calls are also good for private ‘fun’
• When they’re home be realistic about spending time together, they rightly will want to give time to friends etc as will you
• Be very honest, if you’re finding it hard talk about it
• Trust, you really need to be able to trust each other 100%, he had plenty opportunity to stray, but I could genuinely trust that he would never do anything like that to anyone
• Sex, be careful not to just be sex mad when you see each other, it causes other areas to be neglected
• Don’t prioritise a phone call over going out with friends etc
• Keep yourself busy, it’s very lonely at times

What didn’t work for us

• Attempting to schedule calls, it always failed so I would just end up upset, which upset him
• Accepting calls at a bad time, if you’re in a mood, busy etc, don’t feel guilty about not being able to take a call
• Don’t lose sleep, don’t regularly agree to calls a time when you would normally be in bed, took me ages to put my foot down with that one

Think longterm, is it something you can manage longterm if it develops into a serious relationship. If it isn’t, how will a compromise be made so you’re together now.

We stumbled over this, in the end we both agreed for me to quit my job so I could generally go with him, this was after being apart for six months. After a year of travelling with him we both returned to the UK, I worked for six months while he was at home and quit again when he was back touring. I’m very lucky to have a career where finding well paid work is fairly easy.

The distance issue did eventually end our relationship, but that was because of a big change in my personal life that wouldn’t have worked with a partner who is often away. It wasn’t something either of us wanted to do (we were getting married), but I couldn’t have coped with the guilt if he had lost his career, and he couldn’t have coped if I had had to say no to a certain situation.

He coped with an LDR much better than I did, but then I am quite a needy person. You will find that other people are often a bit odd about LDRs, please tell them to piss off with their horrible comments, you’ll always get one idiot “oo I know someone in a LDR and he was seeing someone else”, arseholes.