Am I a fool? DH possible cheat and my heads a mess.

[Pommygranite]

I need some advice/perspective here as I feel like I’m going mad.
Been with dh 16 years but only married for 18 months (I would’ve married years ago, he has always come up with excuses until I basically wouldn’t stop going on at him and told him I was booking a registry office and it was over if he disagreed) we have 4 dc’s.
I’ve known from early on in our relationship he looks at porn. I hate it, it makes me feel sick and I view it as a form of cheating. That hasn’t stopped him however from regularly sneaking downstairs in the early hours to look at it. I’ve caught him several times and I always go mad and get upset. It doesn’t stop him. Only last month I looked on the history on our home laptop and saw the disgusting things he’d been looking at. When I try to talk to him about it he just doesn’t take it seriously - he has a silly smirk on his face. He just thinks I’m overreacting.
About 7 years ago I had a proper good snoop through his files and internet history etc. I found out he had been on the ‘illicit encounters’ and conversing with women. What I read absolutely disgusted me. The things he was saying to them was so, so sickening. With one woman in particular he spoke about wanting to meet her and they sent messages back and forth, swapping phone numbers (not numbers I recognised though, he must’ve had a secret phone). In one message he said “it was great to talk earlier, sorry I couldn’t take long as I had to get back...but it just lets the anticipation build up for next time”. I suspect he maybe met up with her but didn’t fancy her or whatever. They also talk back and forth about making plans to meet at a premier inn hotel and he says about going to a friends flat that is empty (it’s actually his flat that he owns and rents out). There are other messages to her and other women detailing graphically what he wants to do to them. At the time I found them the messages were a few years old and were from around the time I’d had my third child. When I actually discovered them I was pregnant with our 4th child. I felt so vulnerable and upset. I remember physically attacking him and leaving the house. I wanted to drive my car into a wall, I wanted to just die it hurt so much. I stayed at a hotel and calmed down. When I went back he just made the usual excuses. Said it was just titillation, that he hadn’t actually done anything it was several years ago, it’s just something men do and he’s sorry and won’t do it again blah, blah. When I asked him about the message that suggested he had met with one of them he denied it and just said over and over “I know it doesn’t look good, but I promise on our kids lives I never met anyone or even spoke on the phone” - just complete denial. He said he doesn’t remember why he worded the message like that as it was years ago.
Eventually I forgave him because I mean, what was I going to do? I had 3 kids and pregnant, no money, we weren’t married.
I can’t get over it, even now. For the last 7 years I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind. But it’s all resurfaced for some reason. He works long hours and I sometimes wonder what he’s really doing all day. The problem is he would be much cleverer about it now, I’d never be able to find out.
I brought it up with him again and told him I just can’t trust him anymore and he says things like “you’ve got too much time on your hands” (I’m a sahm to 4 kids - def don’t have too much time) or “why are u doing this, why can’t you just be happy?”
Do you think I should just get over it or am I being a fool to think he’s not been messing around all these years? I wouldn’t know where to begin if I left him. And for anyone who wants to come on and say “you should’ve kept your independence blah, blah” - please don’t. I know that now but before all this I trusted him totally. If I could have my time again I would’ve stayed working and built up some savings of my own.
Part of me really wishes I’d just finished it back when I first found the messages. Il always be wondering what really happened as I know if he did meet or have sex with anyone he’s never going to admit it. He has a high sex drive and likes doing kinky stuff and I worry that he would be the type to visit prostitutes etc. It would be easy for him to do it during the day while he’s supposed to be working - he runs his own business so has a lot of freedom.

There’s a lot more I could post but I don’t want it to be too long.
I suppose I just want to talk really as can’t tell anyone in RL.

I would my everything I own he did and possibly still is. You deserve better

I really feel for you! Reading this turned my stomach. I can't imagine having to see that / realise that when pregnant. Ultimately I think you don't (can't possibly) trust him, or feel safe in the relationship. He can fuck right off with that "why can't you be happy" shite. Because he ruined the dream, that's why. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in this situation?
You say you wouldn't know where to start, but that doesn't make it the wrong choice. It seems overwhelming now but once you're over the hard and chaotic part I wager you'll feel a lot better and more happy in your life.

I think that you've taken your time to find your feet after this and that you now know for sure that you're not ok with it. You have done nothing wrong. Leave him. This history is never going away.

This is terrible. A relationship without trust, isn't a relationship.

You need to get yourself STI tested at a clinic if you think he has been using prostitutes.

He has very little respect for you and laying down boundaries so late on in a relationship is not going to work.

If there is anyway to start getting your ducks in a row.
Save money. Tell family or confide in a close friend. You need support.

I would phone Women's Aid as it is emotional abuse and possibly financial abuse as you are a sahm.

Is the house in your name?

Living with that amount of worry about what he is upto and who with, will take its toll on your health.

I was married to an abusive narcissistic man for 18 years. I never trusted him. Turns out he was having an affair , gaslighted me by telling me that it never happened. He is now with the replacement woman.

Be very careful, if he is a pathological liar, he will be upto something.

Start working on your self esteem.

Love yourself more.

I am not sure OP.
MN is full of black/white views on relationships. ‘Trust is gone, leave...’ - etc.
But the reality of 4 kids, being sahm, and a short marriage that doesn’t leave you with much claim to assets/maintenance - is still the reality.

I too - like your H am wondering - why now? Why did this bubble up for you after 7 years of acceptance/forgiveness?
What else is happening in your live? And how is the relationship in general?

In your place - I’d actually try to see if I could build up some more resilience - and not live with this focus on H and the past.

Is it possible that now that your younger child is a little bigger and less dependent on you - you have more time to reflect on life and think about yourself and your relationship?
Maybe instead of torturing yourself about the past you can refocus your energy on re-building your independent self a bit? Find interests? Re-connect with friends? Maybe even think about an activity or even part time work?
It’s not healthy to sit there and waste your life worrying about what happened in the past and whether your H is up to something.
Can you maybe see a counsellor to figure out why this is happening to you now?

I don’t think separating right now will solve anything. Would certainly not make you happier, not before you figure more things out for yourself.
And financially - you’ll be in a very tough place.

PP is right. You’ve found your feet. I think you know the truth deep down. It’s ok to say it’s not working for you.

@MMmomDD 'In your place - I’d actually try to see if I could build up some more resilience - and not live with this focus on H and the past.'

OP is dwelling on these incidents because her OH was such a cunt. It's not a fault in her to be upset about it.

'It’s not healthy to sit there and waste your life worrying about what happened in the past and whether your H is up to something.'

It's perfectly normal and understandable to wonder if a dodgy fucker like that is up to something.

'Can you maybe see a counsellor to figure out why this is happening to you now?'

This is about the only bit I possibly agree with.:) Counselling/therapy is just something I believe in and think is often helpful to help people make changes of any kind, including possibly eventually LTB :)

@Pommygranite 'There’s a lot more I could post but I don’t want it to be too long.'

Please go on, I for one am interested. xx Has there been stuff going on recently?

@MMmomDD the advice you usually give is complete and utter shite at the best of times but this takes the biscuit. Literally

Op, you have two choices, 1st is to stay and live with a man who obviously thinks so little of you or your feelings, living day to day not being able to trust a thing he says, basically in constant turmoil. And it WILL never get better.

Or leave. Life will be tough at first, but you'll find your feet and feel liberated at the freedom from all the lies, gaslighting and disrespect he's given you for years.

There is no inbetween because you can't forget what he's done, it's impossible to do so and it will always resurface time and again.

@Sadiesnakes 'MMmomDD the advice you usually give is complete and utter shite at the best of times but this takes the biscuit.'

lol!

OP get legal advice. See what the short marriage/ long relationship/ 4 kids bit would mean in terms of settlement.

Once you know that, assess your next steps. Dont jump too quickly. Your husband is clever and you need to use your brain, not your heart x

@Sadiesnakes - thank you for demonstrating my point so well.
MN classic.

Without knowing anything about OP’s actual relationship; how she and her H actually get on (when OP isn’t thinking about events 7years avo); how he is with the kids; what their financial situation is; how divorce in this situation would affect settlement; what else may be going on in her life to possibly cause this sudden change in her - she is told - OP is told - leave, break your kids lives, possibly struggle financially....
And of course ‘it will be fine and everyone will be Ok’.

I believe it’s irresponsible to give that advice without knowing more. Without looking at options. Without considering why things are happening. Etc.
I know - a totally crazy way to think about life.😂😂😂

@MMmomDD Funny how you are the only one advising op to stay..🤔

MmmomDd pretty much always advises staying.

Op, I would start the process of disengaging and working on becoming independent.

The thing is OP, he doesn't have to have physically cheated (although from what you have written, he almost certainly did), for you to leave him. If you are unhappy, you can leave for that reason alone.

When you saw the messages, you were pregnant and very vulnerable, and I don't think anyone would call you a "fool" for staying put at that point. But several years have passed and you're feeling stronger, and yes, it's OK to leave. It doesn't need to be "about" the messages. The fact that are miserable is reason enough.

If you went back to work, what would you like to do? Can you go back to what you used to do? Could you retrain? There are often skills boosting courses etc around.

That's what I'd recommend to you tbh. I found that when I went back to work, got some external validation and my own money coming in, my confidence started to grow and I gradually came to the point where I didn't need him practically. He was never going to change no matter how I cried or tried, so I changed my situation.

You can't change the past but it sounds like you are never going to be happy in this relationship.

I’m so sorry. How dare he treat you that way, never mind when you had his children and were pregnant! You deserve so much better. Even if nothing has happened since, you can’t stay with him if you don’t trust him and aren’t happy.
I think you should look at getting back to work and get some savings behind you so you will be in a position to leave if you want to.

If you actually read what I said - is not staying or going. Not before making some sort of a plan - for you and the children. Not before figuring out what is going on with you.
Called being pragmatic and logical.
Not reacting on emotion and pure unhappiness and then ending up with four kids, no job and no plan.

Also - disentangling your happiness and self esteem from what your H did (or didnt) 7 years ago could help.
Life is too short to live worrying about things like that.
In my opinion.

MMmomDD - this isn't just about what he did ages ago though, is it? In addition to having previously contacted other women for sex (even if he allegedly didn't go through with it), his sleazebag doesn't only still refuse to respect the OP's boundaries, he actually smirks at her when she tries to talk to him about his behaviour. Who on earth would want to be with a man like that?! You're right that life is too short - certainly too short to spend it with a man who has no respect for you.

• this sleazebag, not 'his' sleazebag

Already been said but I'll ask again do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? His behaviour will only get worse, he does not care how upset you get about the porn, is dismissive about your concerns. Look at your financial options and prepare to leave, hard with kids i know but life is to short for this shit. He is not going to change!