Losing my brother due to past of abusive father

[HyperHippo]

It is a long story so I have tried to summarise without leaving out anything key.

My father was abusive, has repeated affairs and new marriages with much much younger women. He treated my mother in unspeakable ways (which I have found out about since through asking, she hid it from us when we were children) and as such he someone I cut out my life and learnt to live without as a teenager. It was a struggle to get to this point and something I found very hard mentally.

My brother never really fully went through this stage. He knew what my dad did, agreed it was terrible and unforgivable but never fully stopped contact. He now sees him and denies any knowledge of the past, that my father did much wrong and just keeps repeating our dad loves us. It is literally like he has forgotten it. It almost plays mind games with me, making me think maybe I made it all up - which I know is not true!

Brother is now getting married and there has been a big disagreement over the wedding. He told me I needed to 'get over it' and put up with my dad at his wedding. I explained this is not something to get over. It is not an average divorce situation where you have to ignore and be civil. It was horrific domestic abuse which impacted my mother and us enormously. I said I needed him to respect how much pain it would cause us and how much it would take away from the celebratory day. I said ultimately it is his choice and I will do what I can to get on with it and be a supportive sister, but wanted him to think it through a bit more. To be honest, I don't know if I can do it and don't feel I (or my mother) should be put in this position. It is a pretty fancy wedding and I think future SIL's desire for 'happy families' has got in the mix of this too. She has never made much effort to get to know me and while I've tried suggesting coffees, family events etc she seems to want to keep distant. She is quite appearances focused and forceful - she definitely wears the trousers.

I ended up emailing him explaining my perspective, that I've moved on and don't want to drag up things from the past, because we have enough supportive family around us. We don't need someone who has caused so much pain back in our lives. I tried to keep it factual and about my perspective, rather than blaming him or saying I think he is in the wrong. I know that would just be met with hostility.

This was over a month ago and I've had zero contact since. DBro is a tricky character. He has ASD traits and isn't the best with social communication. However, I feel at a loss. This is not something to play around with. It is a really deeply traumatic topic and I feel dismissed. I feel like he doesn't believe me and it is starting to impact me a lot. The whole thing is really playing with my mind and digging up feelings I put to bed and worked through (with professional help) a long time ago.

Any words of wisdom?

Yup. Hes a narc.

Your father was one too. That's why they can, not especially get on but sense the middle line with each other.

Of course you feel invalidated. Not listened too.

I recommend HG Tudor and narcsite.com

Your dad sounds like he has a cluster b personality disorder, narcissist, sociopath , psychopath.

Your brother could easily be narcissistic and be splitting off from all the abuse from yoir father.

If the Sil wears the trousers she is probably narcissistic/histrionic as well.

Read up on all of the above. Your brother is not validating the abuse you went through and this is a form of gaslighting he is trying to change your reality.

If you have to deal with your abusive dad at the wedding, be prepared to be retriggered by seeing him.
This is a difficult situation for you.
Don't let them gaslight you.

Look up on YouTube about narcissists. Dr Ramani Durvasula is good.
She has a great book called- Should I stay or should I go.

Lundy Bancroft- Why does he do that?

Another great book about abusers.

Check out Sarah Speaks, Narc Survivor, Richard Grannon on YouTube.

Prepare yourself to go Grey rock on the wedding day.
The abuse happened. Don't let them invalidate you and try to rewrite history.

Good luck.

Thanks for this and I will read.

Anyone with experience of this or more insight into these personalities have ideas of how I deal with it now? Do I speak to my brother and try to find out what his plans for the wedding are, following my email. Or just leave it?
I appreciate the above but it is hard to just watch it all go and feel powerless and like he's getting away with this.

That was a name change issue when I switched to the app. I've message MN HQ to try and get it changed.

"Your dad sounds like he has a cluster b personality disorder, narcissist, sociopath , psychopath."
The OP stated "My father was abusive, has repeated affairs and new marriages with much much younger women. He treated my mother in unspeakable ways". How have you determined your diagnosis from that limited information? He may well be but I really don't see how you have arrived at that conclusion. Surely it can't be that easy to determine?

Oh it is. Very. I'd already got in first.

I would not be attending your brother's wedding, why should you at all have to face your abusive parent?. He does not care about how you feel and you have indeed been invalidated. I would also not contact him further, you do not owe him anything either let alone any sort of a relationship.

Some family members and or other relatives can and do choose to come down on the side of the abuser for their own reasons (as indeed your brother has done). Its not your fault.

Oh op. This must be really hard for you but ultimately it’s not your wedding and you can’t make this all about you. Your brother went through the same childhood as you but has managed it very differently (probably not better tbh) and I think if you can’t be civil / ignore dad for a day you’ll have to bow out with a minimum of fuss. Your feelings are completely understandable and by all means talk it through with your brother and your mum but if your brother wants him there then this just isn’t the time.

My advice OP is that you DONT attend and moreover, leave your Bro alone.

Hes stared his position.

You've stared yours.

Bro is using your dad for money and possibly facade management. There will be little fuel as narcs dont give it out. Usually. There are exceptions but this is not one of them. This must be an extremely trying time for you.

You remember what happened to your mum and to you. This is the point where the narcs will try to revision history. By not being there you are signalling a very powerful message.

But expect to be smeared. I'm sorry x

@Idontwanttotalk
I was not diagnosing anyone. I was stating some cluster b personality types to read up on.
Maybe I wasn't clear.
There is no way you can diagnose someone over the internet without meeting them.
But op will know if any cluster b characteristics fit her father and knowledge is power with how to deal with them.
Or in most cases not deal with them, as NC is the preferred way of dealing with narcissists.

Thanks all

I am finding it hard to accept it symbolises such a different way of thinking and so much more than just a difference in opinion.

I haven't been especially close to my dbro for a while now but we always got on ok and I felt he would be there for me.

I guess I am finding it hard to accept this all may lead to further loss of our relationship. I am having to restrain myself from grabbing my phone and texting him with a plea for peace and reassurance he cares. But his actions have told me all I need to know I guess.