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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've moved on too soon... HELP!!

18 replies

Petra124 · 21/10/2019 16:12

I was with my previous partner for 4 years (16 until 22). We split in May - my decision. He was always very busy which I appreciated as he had a high stress job. However, he began to spend less and less time with me and more time in the pub. I snapped one day and demanded for him to meet with me so we could discuss it. He refused as he was too busy, so I ended things with him. It was quite a snap decision but I felt that it was building up to it and inevitable.

He moved on very quickly and within a month was in a new relationship that was plastered all over Facebook. We have some mutual friends who insisted it wouldn't last. Eventually it all ended between them. I had to see him as he had some documents for my car (he could have posted these but I think I wanted to see him so I could show off how well I was doing... not). I ended up crying and admitting that I missed him. He agreed with me and insisted that he had changed, he still loved me and things would be different. We agreed to go out together the following evening for a drink and a chat. The next day came and I waited until 8pm without hearing from him. I text him and he explained he was busy and his plans had ran later than he thought they would. I told him not to worry about going out as I was tired, I was absolutely devastated but hid this from him.

A few days later I rang him (after a few drinks admittedly) and asked him if he could pick myself and a friend up. I could hear a female in the background so I told him not to worry and abruptly hung up. It turned out he had been seeing someone new for a few weeks, although he denied this when I asked him. However, he told a mutual friend that he had in fact been with the woman that night. I cut all contact with him, blocked him on everything and solemnly vowed to move on.

Fast forward to today. I have recently met a nice guy. He is sweet, thoughtful and we get along great. He is older than me at 25 and seems very together. However, I cannot stop comparing him to my ex. It's actually driving me insane, there is nothing wrong with this guy - he is attractive and sweet, I just can't seem to shake this feeling. I caved in and unblocked and texted my ex today, just to see how he was, he said his life has gone downhill since we split but did not say much more than that.

I just want him to crumble and beg me to get back together with him, why is this?! Am I crazy?!

OP posts:
CalmConfident · 21/10/2019 16:14

Yes. Block and delete the ex. Focus on new guy

PlasticPatty · 21/10/2019 16:16

Oh.
Yes. Block the ex. Push him out of your mind.
Take the new one lightly.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 21/10/2019 16:17

well, step 1 would be to be honest with the new guy.

if he's as good as you say, he'll understand.

who knows, in a few months once you've sorted yourself out a bit, he might still be around.

it kind of sounds like you've jumped into a relationship as a response to you ex doing the same (either consciously or subconsciously).

that's not really a healthy place to start a relationship.

from what you've said, your ex doesn't sound particularly pleasant - maybe you made the right decision to split, but you just need to give yourself time to process this properly.

Petra124 · 21/10/2019 16:21

from what you've said, your ex doesn't sound particularly pleasant - maybe you made the right decision to split, but you just need to give yourself time to process this properly.

He really wasn't a nice person towards the end of the relationship. However, my brain keeps thinking about all of the happy memories.

I have been honest with the new guy, he can't really relate as he has been single for quite a while so doesn't understand what is drawing me back. I feel awful as when we are together it is lovely and I truly enjoy our time together. However, as soon as he leaves and I am on my own my mind races back to my ex.

OP posts:
lexiepuppy · 21/10/2019 18:13

Like the saying goes...... We always want what we can't have.

You might want to block and date the Ex, because he keeps messing you around and if your new guy is not floating your boat, you might need to say goodbye to him.

It sounds like you need to work on yourself.

The only person that can make you truly happy is yourself.

lexiepuppy · 21/10/2019 18:14

delete not date!

Petra124 · 22/10/2019 10:01

I do block him but then I get curious, wonder what he is up to and then unblock him... I get really jealous for a day after I unblock him but then it just fades and I repeat the cycle again!

The new guy is really lovely and I feel like such a bitch for doing this to him. He's all I ever wanted when I was with my ex - has his own home, good job, doesn't over work himself and enjoys similar things.

I don't want to break things off with him and then regret it a couple of weeks down the line... but equally I don't want to string him along, he deserves someone who puts in 100% effort.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2019 10:15

Perhaps go for some counselling.

You really need to deal with how you're feeling and get to a place where you aren't making bad decisions for yourself. It was humiliating for him to stand you up like that and then for you to chase him again.

If you're not ready to be with someone new, you're just not. You have all the time in the world, you're 22. You've been in a relationship your whole adult life, so it's probably quite tough being single, but what else is going on in your life? in terms of career, life goals, non-relationship things? Blokes aren't the answer, generally.

Petra124 · 22/10/2019 10:36

Counselling would be a good idea.

It was definitely humiliating, not something I'm proud of doing. I put on a strong front around friends and family and like to act as though I'm not bothered at all - unfortunately we share some mutual friends and my family still seem to be quite close to him, particularly my Dad which makes things awkward.

I think I am probably scared to be alone. My ex was pretty much my first everything and all of the significant things I have done have been with him.

I do have a good career, I work as a legal secretary and I'm going to be starting a course to become a Chartered Legal Exec. so I have things I'm working towards. I just seem to have become stuck in a pattern of thinking I need someone to share my time with.

OP posts:
SurfingGiantess · 22/10/2019 10:52

The new guy seems lovely.
I think counselling sounds like a good idea.
The problem is you will never get from your ex what you want so focus on the new guy and sorting yourself out in counselling. Take things slow. You will get over him. And tell your dad he can't keep hanging out with him. It's inappropriate.

Petra124 · 22/10/2019 11:03

He is really lovely, it's very early days - we have been on a few dates, nothing deadly serious but it has gone well so far.

I have actually asked my Dad to stop seeing him a couple of times but he sees no issue with what he is doing. He just lies about it when he does see him.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2019 11:09

I'd also explore what you like doing as an individual. Was there ever anything you fancied doing that your ex didn't, so you didn't? Any hobbies or interests you would like to pursue? Any place you've always wanted to go,whether all-girl partying holidays in Ibiza or backpacking? Take your opportunity to break out and live for yourself a bit.

Petra124 · 22/10/2019 11:14

I had always wanted to go to America but he always insisted he didn't have the money (and then miraculously booked a lads holiday to Texas!). So I would love to do that.

I've never been the Ibiza type, my two closest friends are in long term relationships with babies on the way so whatever I do I would have to do solo.

I have booked to go away with my mum who has also recently been through a heartbreak so we are having a girly weekend away which I'm looking forward to. I'm away in the new year with a few friends for a festival-type event so I have some things to look forward to - I could probably do with branching out and doing a bit more if I'm honest but I am also trying to save.

OP posts:
SurfingGiantess · 22/10/2019 12:22

A lot of your firsts were with your ex so it's hard to break free. But he's not very nice at all and you deserve better.
Definitely plan a trip to America maybe backpacking. Try enjoy being independent and do what you like.
If your dad can't respect your wishes you might have to see him less until you're over your ex completely. Or at least demand you don't run into him there.
Focus on yourself and take it hour by hour, day by day. Enjoy all the positives.

Petra124 · 22/10/2019 12:36

I am going to push myself out of my comfort zone and do something new for definite.

I won't run into him at my Dad's as my Dad goes to see him at his workplace. My Dad is always telling me to get back with him and that he is a changed man etc. I think the problem is that my Dad is very similar to him, he cheated on my Mum and strung her along so he feels that my ex has not done anything wrong Confused

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 22/10/2019 14:49

I actually think you need to be single for a while and concentrate on yourself and learning about your own self worth, I don’t mean to sound harsh but you sound like you may have some growing up to do before you are content in a relationship. Wishing you luck

Petra124 · 22/10/2019 16:11

I have deactivated my Facebook and removed the app from my phone. I'm going to take a step back and focus on myself, hopefully that helps Smile

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2019 17:30

Sounds like a plan Smile

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