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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Need Help

22 replies

MoiraBrown101 · 21/10/2019 03:46

I split up with ExP a year ago for various but almost entirely to do with alcohol. Despite numerous promises not to drink around the children, he continues to drink in front of our son (age 4) and his daughter (age 12).

About 5pm yesterday DSD called me to tell me he was drunk on Saturday while he had them. He ate all of the food and slept all day so they went (at least) 6 hours with no food. She found some bits for DS and her dad eventually woke up and made them dinner but she should not have been in that position.

After she called me I tried to call him to find out wtf he was doing. At this point in time he had just dropped her back to her mums and was travelling to his home with my DS. DSD had assured me he was "normal" when he dropped her off. By the time I managed to get him on the phone he was definitely not "normal" and was clearly drunk on public transport with DS. When I spoke to him I was non-confrontational as I have long experience managing him in this state but he still hung up on me. It took them a good 2 hours to get back to our town, which should have been a 40 minute journey. The whole time I was trying to get him back on the phone. I ended up having to wait in my car on his route from the station to his house for him to pass so I could make sure DS was ok. Ex was weaving back and forth while walking and holding DS's hand along a busy main road. He was forcing an exhausted DS to walk up the long hill from the station to his house. It was nearly DS's bedtime and they had been
out for hours at this point. I didn't get into any confrontation, just took DS home with me. Told him Daddy is not feeling well.

My question is - what do I do now? We have a shared parenting arrangement in which he has DS 6 nights in every 14. I don't want him to have DS any more. I don't want my innocent little boy exposed to this any more. DS would be heartbroken not seeing his dad, I don't know what to do about DSD at all. She has a lot of problems at her mums house, she says she wants to move to her dads but its not a good environment for her there either.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoiraBrown101 · 21/10/2019 03:48

Sorry, I realise the timeline there was confusing. DSD called me on Sunday to let me know what happened on Saturday. I took DS from Ex on Sunday.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoiraBrown101 · 21/10/2019 07:22

Been awake most of the night worrying about this and feeling like a crap mum so gonna give it a little bump..

OP posts:
LadyOfTheFlowers · 21/10/2019 07:25

Oh dear Sad
No advice as no experience but I wouldn't want my child going anymore either. No child should be there around that.

pennyhasdropped · 21/10/2019 07:29

Aww that sounds horrid for them both. I'd be tempted to get social services involved - they can actually help in situation like this. You may need their back up to go back to court and get something out in place. I'd suggest you go for supervised contact only as he can't be trusted to look after your son alone. What would happen if you just refused to let him have him next?

lolaflores · 21/10/2019 07:31

Never let it happen again. This time everyone was ok, but it camt happen again

You are not a shit mum. He is an alcoholic who is past helping. Are SS involved with his contact with the kids?
Is other childs parent aware?
I feel for you inreallybdo.
Is there anyway to revise his contact to supervised at a centre?
He is a danger. He has now forfeited his rights as a parent, an utter bastard

AmIThough · 21/10/2019 07:43

I also think you need to contact social services. You can protect your son but his poor daughter needs help too.

Original poster
MoiraBrown101 · 21/10/2019 09:31

DSD's mum knows what has happened. SS have been involved with DSD for other reasons relating to DSD's maternal family unrelated to ExP, they've never been involved with DS.

I'm drafting a message to him telling him he will have to arrange supervised contact.

Is that for the best?

Even if it's only his girlfriend, there needs to be another adult present to see to the children's needs and remove them if he is drunk.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoiraBrown101 · 21/10/2019 09:32

This text message is getting pretty long

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/10/2019 09:36

Do you need him for child care if you work ? If so, make other arrangements so you are not relying on him.

Withdraw his contact with your son. He is not fit to safeguard him. Tell your son daddy is poorly and he needs to get better before he sees him again.

And yes, regarding your dsd...speak to SS. Someone needs to lookout for her too.

pennyhasdropped · 21/10/2019 09:39

He has a GF? Where was she when they poor children where not being fed for hours and hours ..! I'd be tempted to stop all contact and get him to prove he's changed his ways before being allowed any sort of access. A 4 yr old child should not be in their situation.

AmIThough · 21/10/2019 09:49

there needs to be another adult present to see to the children's needs and remove them if he is drunk.

No he needs to not be drunk when having contact with his children, full stop.

RLEOM · 21/10/2019 10:02

Social services and/or the police. He is endangering the lives of your children. And they certainly would not be in his care again until they're old enough to fend for themselves I.e 20! OK, maybe that's a bit over the top but he certainly wouldn't be having them for a long, long time.

RLEOM · 21/10/2019 10:04

I'd also like to add how hard I found it at the age of 15 when my mum was an alcoholic and would abuse her medication, so god knows how those poor children must have felt.

Original poster
MoiraBrown101 · 21/10/2019 11:44

I've drafted a message but it's turned into a rant. I think I need to cut it down. I called the NSPCC for advice last night but they haven't got back to me. I'm just not sure what my legal options are. It feels extreme but something I've put in the message is that I feel he's really forced my hand here.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoiraBrown101 · 21/10/2019 11:45

Do you need him for child care if you work ?

No as DS is with me or a childminder after school. I am doing condensed hours and I would usually work late on the days he has DS so I will probably have to go part time. It will be difficult but not impossible.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoiraBrown101 · 21/10/2019 11:46

He has a GF?

She doesn't live with him and she was ill this weekend so stayed at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoiraBrown101 · 21/10/2019 12:09

Something else I noted.. I don't know how relevant it is.. when I got DS home I noticed he was wearing his school trousers and his underpants were on backwards which leads me to question whether ExP was sober when he dressed him that morning. That is speculation though. He could have let DS dress himself.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2019 12:19

Yes, I think you have to stop contact unless supervised.

category12 · 21/10/2019 12:22

Just be very factual - take any emotion out of any email you send.

If there are safeguarding issues for your dsd, you need to inform SS.

lolaflores · 21/10/2019 12:22

No nice way of doing this. It is extreme but if a person is not sober much of the time, they don't listen. No point negotiating, straight to SS.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/10/2019 12:33

Horrible situation to be in, but you have to put safety of DS (and DSD) first.

No more unsupervised visits. Do not try and negotiate with him; as said above, contact SS.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/10/2019 12:34

By the way, it was very brave of your DSD to tell you what happened. Hope she's doing OK too.

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