Is it all my fault ? story about Mrs And SD

[kzrg283]

Basically my Mrs sister is threatening me with prosecution after my stepdaughter opened up to her about me being horrible, now i'm going to start from the beginning.

ok the prosecution is about me calling my stepdaughter a s**g and that it only took me 3 dates to bed her mother i did say this but i was intoxicated although this is no excuse and I had no idea why I said it think I was angry at her for something, but before you all kill me let me go further.

Basically it all started going wrong when my stepdaughter was 13 and she wanted a boyfriend, i advised my girlfriend to put her foot down and to not let her have a bf as she is too young and too naive and it would upset her studys and gcses, she decided to let her out, that same night my SD came in bursting through the door with mascara streaming down her face like she had been crying, i said whats wrong she said nothing and went to her room, i knew instantly something was up and tried in her best interest to not let her out again which was met by aggression by her mother, i later found out about a year later that she was raped by this boy which her mother knew about but didn't inform the police, as she was under 16 is it not the mothers responsibility to get this person prosecuted regardless if her daughter wanted to do it or not ? I don’t understand why she didn’t do it as this person has also done similar to other girls. But rather mrs go for him i'm the target for only words.

I admit that ive said stupid things to her but SD admitted to me that her mother has told her that she originally wanted an abortion and that she didnt want kids and she was a mistake, i've always wanted good things for SD i always said to her that I want her to do well and to study and go to school university etc or if she didn’t want to do that just get a job earn your way get some respect see what its like to earn a living, tidy her room, help your mother, have respect for the people that keep a roof over your head and respect yourself a little more and be wise amongst the world. I’ve tried various tactics to try and scare her so she would try and see sense, but none of it worked and I had no backing from mother as she appeared to not be bothered and has taught her nothing about life because all ive witnessed is material parenting not emotional or love just material and that is why SD is what I describe as a entitlement princess the more she got away with the more arrogant she got and if I asked her to do anything she would text her mother and make us argue just so that she would not have to do it she knew her mum wouldn’t tell her to do anything and would always back her. SD did no cleaning her room was disgraceful like a drugs den, left litter plates and off going food and bloodied tampons on the floor, even asking her to do her chores was met with a text to her mum which would cause an argument between me and mrs. SD even stole money from her mother and blamed it on me, she was never punished for this and has never been disciplined hence her arrogance was allowed to grow and grow to a point she felt and feels untouchable.

Another thing my mrs has stated recently of how horrible i was SD and her BF, first of all Mrs went over my head and made a decision for them to live with us during uni didn't discuss it with me didn't ask me or anything, i went along with it at the time but they were both sleeping in bed till 3pm everyday were not cleaning or doing anything and judging from past experience with SD i wasn't comfortable because i knew it would have been me picking up the extra bills and cleaning while mrs would have had to do the cooking which in turn she would have took the frustration out on me as per usual, mrs told me numerous times to keep quiet when SD's BF was studying they were making him out to be like some god i thought to myself why should i be quiet when i pay the bills ?, i tried to break the ice with SD's BF but none of it worked, to add to this he made me uncomfortable as he is a paranoid schizophrenic, i was blamed for them splitting up because when the bf was away on holiday i had gone to meet some friends for the first time in many months, i was originally going to stay at my mothers but decided to return as i had seen on our dog camera that the dog was in a dark room with the door closed and this upset me, when i got home i saw the dogs water bowl empty and the food bowl empty this would have stayed empty for 2 days had i not returned because SD had shut the door on him and switched the light off, as i entered the house i saw SD in the other room with another girl and 2 other boys which was strange to me, in the morning i texted her bf just to check if he knew about this and if it was ok with him, he said she was being weird and that she was studying, they broke up on holiday but i later found out that he didn't break up because of what i said but a range of things mainly because she was so close to her mother and he didnt like their close relationship, but SD and mrs blame me for the break up, although i agree i should not have interfered but i meant no malice.

I've always tried to help SD and even though now we don't talk and she’s now 20 and moved out to university, she's come between me and her mother for 8 years i still want good things for her and her to go on and be successful.

Regarding the Mrs i clean the house, look after the dog, wash my own clothes, make my own tea, she's been gone to her sisters for 2 weeks nearly and my life don't feel any different as it has not made any difference if she's here or not because when she's here it feels like she ain't, when she's here i had anxiety and heart palpatations and they have completely stopped since she's been gone. I feel peace.

I almost feel they or Mrs is a narcissist mrs has barely contacted me in 2 weeks simply saying she will talk to me at some point and she needs space, her daughter was involved in an accident recently and mrs told me this accident brought all the bad memories of how ive treated SD and her BF at the time and how she should have left. I admit my faults but I never meant no malice and wanted a good life and tried to show SD some direction and discipline.

Mrs does not admit to her and SD faults is she or are they both narcissistic ?

So your question is... is it all my fault, is what all your fault precisely?
Certainly the situation sounds fraught, dysfunctional and highly toxic, it's difficult to see how it can be resolved with such a lot of tension involved, what are you hoping to achieve here?

You mate are a disgrace and if what you’ve said about her mum is true then she is only marginally better. However I’d bet my last penny that there’s shit loads more to the story.
It’s not your place to parent. Especially a 12/14 year old. Her mum didn’t ‘force’ you to. You decided to. You sound like a bully that enjoys controlling and scaring people.
And now you have come to a forum talking about poor you and looking for back up from strangers that SD’s Mum is in the wrong?
How exactly would you be prosecuted? There’s more to this.

Odd how we all perceive things so differently.

Op, sounds like you lost your shit after many years of being ignored and accused by your partner, who imo sounds like a nasty bitch to tell her own daughter she wishes she’d aborted her. That is sick.

What you said was wrong, but leave the nasty partner.

For those saying fathering the step daughter isn’t his job, wtf! So he is to live with her mom, financially support them both but ignore the daughter!

Wow. Sorry OP but if your post is entirely true then I’m embarrassed that you’re getting so much stick tbh.

Leave and go start a new life.

For those saying fathering the step daughter isn’t his job, wtf! So he is to live with her mom, financially support them both but ignore the daughter! no. Financially supporting a partners child doesn't make you the child's parent. You dont buy rights to a child as if they were cattle.

Even more so when it is a step dad / step daughter relationship. That setup is the #1 most risky situation for a child to be in, in terms of abuse of power by the step parent.

The mother should have been parenting. Her partner should have been adult enough to set boundaries when his partner tried to force him into a parenting role. It's not brain surgery.

Also, there is a massive difference between "ignoring" a stepchild, and allowing her parent to parent her.

My dp lives with us and loves my DC but hes not their dad. At most he is a trusted family friend. He takes care of them but defers to me and he certainly doesn't discipline them or interfere with their lives like this.

How unlike the home life of our own dear Queen.

I think you all are so much better off living separate lives, OP.

BTW instead of congratulating yourself for doing your own laundry, couldn't you have done ALL the laundry at least 50% of the time?

@VenusTiger precisely that finally snapped.

she shown me or our home no respect what so ever, i used to come home from work to bloodied tampons and knickers left on the floor, litter used to be left outside her room on the landing that had accumilated over many weeks like room service was going to do it for her.

i tried to reason with her at the start and was really nice and still i was met with attitude, we both paid to take her on numerous holidays costing 15k to disney and universal studios. I tried to make her understand that me and your mum are busy can you please at least help your mum out with chores or cleaning or help me we both cant keep baby sitting and you have to start growing up.

i've never been appreciated, concerning the mrs her ex was abusive to my mrs and used to hit her and call her fat while cheating with other women, the house that i came to that she was renting was a total pit which i worked hard to fix because i felt they didn't deserve to live like that, i paid her rent for 3 years sometimes leaving me not even a £1 to buy a burger.

She was kicked out of 2 colleges, played truant numerous times from school and was going nowhere, she was simply just lying in her room while her mother left her £10 and £20 notes for her to go out did not earn a cent like other people her age do like doing chores etc this continued from age 12 13 14 15 16 17 there was no change and it finally bubbled over, upto the point she went to uni her mother was still cleaning her room for her.

but theres more i have my own issues with mrs, her sister is a big racist and went on a big BNP rant at the in laws house and mrs did not even protect me didn't even stick up for me which left a sour taste in my mouth and neither did her mother or sisters.

I think it’s clear that it’s been difficult OP and I can understand why you’d feel used in this situation.

But whatever has gone before, good or bad on your side or theirs, you have to face up now to the reality that you’re in a hugely dysfunctional relationship.

You don’t sound like you’re getting anything out of this and you’re clearly resented by both SD and your partner. So leave. As quickly as you can.

IT WILL NOT GET BETTER.

I can’t see what the law would be interested in From what you’ve written, so I’d ignore any threats of that kind.

The legal system isn’t designed to be used as a way to get one over someone in a row, and her attempt to use it so all sounds a bit infantile to be honest.

As for the rest, clearly no adult comes out of this situation looking great, and that includes yourself, but I think you did your best according to what you knew how to do.

Now it’s all very toxic and unpleasant, and I can’t see what you’ve got to gain by staying with this family, who aren’t behaving well towards each other, or to you. Racism should never be tolerate. Full stop.

I would be preparing to leave if I were you.

What are you doing in this girls room rummaging about amongst tampons and knickers?

Rhinoskin -
I’m pretty sure he was talking about when she was still living at home as a younger teenager as she’s at Uni now. But do you consider your teenage kids (or SDC) rooms as off limits then? Because I don’t, particularly if they’re intent on living as OP has described.

And I think if the knickers are strewn all over the floor then how’s he going to miss them?

You came into a dysfunctional family:, a woman who had been abused and was, at best, an inadequate parent, and a traumatised child who had reason not to trust her mother's boyfriends. You seem to see yourself as the saviour who would teach said child to respect etc etc. This backfired spectacularly. You see it as a lack of gratitude. She must see it as another man trying to demand compliance. She fought back in exactly the way most teenagers do: controlled her own space, angry words.

What you said about her and her mother was unforgivable!! Stop using drink as an excuse. You were angry she didn't see you as her saviour and said what would hurt most. You do think you're superior. That doing exactly what you in your expert wisdom was 100% the way to go.

This was a dysfunctional relationship from start to finish. No empathy for the better woman, raped teenager, the child traumatised child. Just "If they had done what I told them none of this would have happened!"

I hope this poor young woman seeks professional help for her awful childhood.

Your 'help' does not come from a place of love or care, but from superiority and self-righteousness. Leave her to find her path, stop trying to dictate it.

Better woman = battered woman. Obviously

I agree with Things, you have tried to dominate and control a situation involving people who are dysfunctional and traumatised
You verbally attacked this girl because you saw fit to punish her for not complying with you.
Bull in a china shop.

All I had to read is that you called your SD a slag and that's my mind made up. What a scummy man you are.

but theres more i have my own issues with mrs, her sister is a big racist and went on a big BNP rant at the in laws house and mrs did not even protect me didn't even stick up for me which left a sour taste in my mouth and neither did her mother or sisters.

Have I understood this right? You are of a different race to this family and your SIL had a racist rant right in front of you? If so then I'm sorry, that's a really shitty thing for her to do.

I still think all of you are better off if you break up.

I can see you believe you've tried your best. That comes across in your post. From your post it Doesn't appear your 'Mrs' has parented effectively. But it's not your job to discipline/scare her.

If they're living in your home, you absolutely deserve respect and for her to maintain a basic amount of hygiene around her space and if she lives that way in my home? I'd throw every fucking thing in there out.

I think, for you, it's best they're gone. It's toxic and won't change. Dont entertain having them back.

That post was tough to read, you sound awful. I think your SD has the right idea about you.

I have tried my best and it has best been decided all 3 of us messed up big time and its time to go our separate ways.

I still wish the best for them, me and now ex mrs will stay friends and nothing more.

My stepdaughter, i totally regret my part but she isn't innocent in this either, at first i saw her as a stepdaughter then i started to see her as my own child from my own blood and then i got protective and then over protective and it backfired, i wish her the best and i hope she goes on to be successful in life, i've told them both that i will always have a place for them in my heart.

thanks everyone.

it looks like you tried to do your best, but did make a few fuck ups. I think youre wise to call it a day now. There is nothing more you can do