He's been using viagra secretly....!

[suitsyoumadam]

Ok I'm 57 and he's 65, we met at a party through mutual friends, nearly six months ago and it was quite whirlwind in the sense that it was so unexpected. My husband walked out on me 10 years ago and I've had a few attempts at dating since then but all a bit half-hearted, until a year ago when a certain website found me not one but two guys who were into bondage. Ok I was naive to not know the significance of the word Dominant but I just thought it meant masterful! Anyway at last I met this guy who I am over the moon with, he is just everything i am looking for, widowed 5 years ago and very straight, honest and all round good guy, even comes with recommendation from our mutual friends. So, the first time we went to bed it didn't really happen for him, which was fine by me, these things take time, I didn't think anything of it. But since then, and we have been seeing eachother for nearly six months now, the sex has been incredible, he keeps going for nearly two hours at night and then again for an hour in the morning. Luckily we only see eachother once or twice a week! So last night I was at his flat, and I went to pop my cotton wool in the bin, and there was a discarded medicine packet in there. As I'm a nurse and have wondered how fit he is, I couldn't help inspecting it, and to my shock it was Viagra! Suddenly the amazing sex makes sense. But I feel really let down that he hasn't told me; like, I understand why he would have resorted to that, but now I feel like, I have been accepting this quite high demand of sex because I thought that was just him and his needs. But if it's all fake in a sense, then I'm going through it, instead of for him, it's for the pill, and I don't know how safe it is to take it forever, I doubt anyone really knows. So should I just forget about it? or confront him? and AIBU to be upset that he has kept this little secret to himself?

I would imagine that it's quite difficult for a guy to discuss erectile dysfunction in a new relationship. I think he is probably too embarrassed to say anything rather than any bad reasons. Not sure what the best way to deal with it is.

6 months is still early days, and I imagine if a bloke needed help to perform etc he might keep quiet about it. It's actually quite impressive to me how he's handled it, without making it an issue for you etc- unless you want him to calm down a bit :)

As I understand it, the viagra doesn't really affect the desire component of sex, just the physical ability to get an erection. Without it he could still be aroused and want to have sex, just unable to perform. Although he probably should have been honest. I've seen other threads here where women have a similar instinctive reaction as yours, which could be averted with a bit of honesty beforehand.

These are such thoughtful and wise replies. Thank you all so much.
I think I will try and bring the subject up very gently one day when we have time to talk

I bet it's because he really likes you, he had a ED problem when he first got with you and he didn't want it to happen again and he didn't want you to lose interest.

I wouldn't say anything. I don't think this is something he needs to share with you, it's very personal to him and you have only been together 6 months.

At least you know that taking that is an option if he ever has trouble. But I bet if it's psychological it will mend when he is more comfortable with you.

You could just hint over the next month or so, that the long two hour sessions are a bit much and you are happier with a bit less. He may then feel less pressure?

I'm not sure it's really your business tbh.

Would you feel the need to tell him if you're on hrt?

At his age id have expected that. I dated a few men in their 50s and one used it and one should have.

My H is 65 and these days mostly uses it. I think of it as a loving thing to do for me, so he can maintain a strong erection just like he used to when he was young. He can get an erection but it's weaker than it was years ago and Viagra has restored things to like they used to be.

From time to time a package comes through the post for him from a pharmacy and I know what it is but don't make a thing if it.

We talked about it in the past when he first tried it and I think we both view it the same as me using Vagifem, which keeps me functioning more like I used to too.

Viagra does not give you fake erections. It makes them harder. If he didnt fancy you then no amount of it would make any difference.

Enjoy the sex and just acknowledge that him taking Viagra is his business unless he wants to share it with you. He's not cheating you know?

I would take it as a compliment!
You have a man who wants to have sex with you because he fancies you.
The viagra simply allows you both to do that.
I would imagine he is probably worrying about when is the right time to tell you about it.

My partner is a similar age. I am in my 40s. We've been together for about two and a half years and had penetrative sex twice in that time. He has desire but it just doesn't happen for him most of the time.

He's now considering viagra for the first time. All it will do is help him to sustain what his mind and body can't by itself. Sex isn't fake with viagra. It just takes the crushing pressure away and allows you to enjoy it.

By the way, sex is amazing without it for me but I know it affects him.

I am so grateful for these thoughtful and succinct replies, they have been very helpful and I am so much happier about it now, thank you all so much x

‘Suggest you just look upon it as a legal recreational drug. I don’t think there’s anything to discuss. Just hop on the bed instead.

Good for him, plenty of men suffer ED in silence when they don't need to, and it's so common past 50. It really just does help the physical side of things. Don't make an issue of it.

As a man I can tell you it is really, really depressing if you can't get an erection when your partner wants sex. One of the worst feelings. So as others have said I think you shouldn't worry about this, I wouldn't raise the viagara directly with him though you could indirectly compliment him on his stamina whilst hinting that it might be a bit excessive at times. He will love to hear that he has done more than necessary to satisfy you - it will a huge boost to his ego.

OP - it’s surprising that you say you are a nurse but yet appear to be so poorly informed.
Viagra is perfectly safe to use. It doesn’t not make anyone have an erection without feeling an attraction to their partner. It just helps with the physical side of things - hardness and duration. Nothing fake about it.
Also - how you thought your bf of 65 goes for hours without some help is strange too. Most men that age would beed something to perform to that level.

Finally - why would you beed to bring it up and discuss it? How is that your business?
If you like him - let him keep his dignity and just enjoy it.
If / when he wants to discuss it with you - he will. Or not.

I don't understand what your issue is either. Or why it requires a discussion. Lots of men take viagra! It's nothing to be ashamed of but at the same time it's a private matter and up to him when and if he wants to talk about it. Why don't you appreciate the good times instead?

So, we tried it for the first time tonight and it didn't really happen. Silly idiot didn't read the leaflet and then left them in the car having already taken one before he arrived. I asked whether he could take another but a) he didn't know and b) we were both naked and it's freezing out and my drive is a little walk away from the front door.

I know he's disappointed and I think I am too as I just assumed it would work first time.

They were bought online and he hasn't seen a doctor. Thinking he might have to although he doesn't want to.

Things are slightly strained between us at the moment (not because of this) but that doesn't help either.