Split up with my ex just under two months ago. I know he was abusive but there are things he did that contradicts the stereotypical narcissist or is it something else?
1st red flag, he told me that he had cheated on his wife for over 18 months with a work colleague, then when I said that I would find it hard to trust him as this take a good liar to live a double life with very small children involved. He said that it was over x amount of years ago and in the past and he would never do it again.
He initially blamed it on his ex wife, until he saw that I was not going to get away with that with me, took some of the blame. I was a fool there though.
He moved very quickly from one relationship to the next with only a few weeks between relationships.
Only a few months into the relationship he went through my laptop, through some private stuff and read it, then when I found out, (files were open) and I don't use those files), he denied it and lied to my face. Until I showed him how I knew. He fessed up.
But its there that I felt trust was broken and with him helping himself to my personal stuff, what else did he feel entitled to help himself to. He never got that when I said this to him. But he was so good at turning things round and very clever in body language, puppy eyes and just sounding and looking like a victim, making me doubt the seriousness of the things he was doing.
He never acknowledged my feelings, ever. On a few occasions he would drive me to work, and when having a general discussion about work colleagues, on route to work once, I asked him about his new workplace, 3 weeks into his new job, and he told me there were two attractive women working along side of him, I remember saying that there was no need to mention this with his track record, to which he drove into the next car park and threw me out the car. This was not the first time he had done that and i promise it was uncalled for and so out of proportion and over the top action to something minor, and then when I told him via text that I was not going to tolerate such treatment, he would tell me it was my fault, or minimise and say stuff like how he loved and cared for me and he was only being honest in regards to the women as he felt that I needed to know.
He would with hold maintenance to his children so he could go on holiday. I was mortified as I went on this holiday with him and didnt know. I would not have gone had I know this. I paid for most of the food on said holiday and I earn half his wage.
He moved himself in to my place very quickly by just not leaving, at all and when I would say I needed a bit of me time he would take offence.
He would literally live his life through mine, so anything I did he would do to so I was never alone.
He was really jealous of male friend and didn't rest until I deleted numbers, unfriended on all platforms.
If a disagreement aroused he would storm out, slamming door and name call, shout through the letter box vile names so all the neighbours could hear, (live in a flat).
we once went to a park, and this is shortly after we got back together, and I cannot remember how it happened, but he didnt like something I said, but it was in regards to our relationship and him wanting to move back in, and me saying the I wanted to take some time to see how we got on, and he stood up, yelling at me and being really vocal then storming off to his car, then drove off leaving me there, and there were loads of people around us and just looking at us. It was really embarrassing.
However, he could be incredibly lovely, helpful and there was nothing he would not do for me, he could be really loving and that confused me a lot. But he had a nasty streak to him. He has admitted to being overwhelming and suffocating, however would not admit or see any of the above as abusive.
I spend over 3 years with him. I sought counselling, and it was great, I read up on narcissistic abuse and still read up on it, watch videos and i am full on educating myself so this does not happen again.
What I am learning from this is that I have responsibility towards myself, and not to him. Even if he texts late at night asking if I am ok? which I find fascinating, why ask that? ARE you OK?I ( I have not heard from him for nearly 2 months) and I thought I had him blocked, anyway when I say yes, he responded, very lovingly that he misses me, that we were amazing and that he will never find anyone like me.
I know that when reading this back I come across as total pushover, but I am not, I am very independent, and with every incident I doubted myself and it wore me down.
Now my question to all of you who have been through this roller coaster is, what did your ex use to say to you to real you back?
I have told him now that I am ready to move on and let go now, but all I got was that he is sad and loves me and things on those lines, but not a verbal abuse like the classic narcissist would, hens me doubting me and then in return I think that perhaps it was not that bad and it may have been my fault and all in my head. Rest assured I would never get back with him again.
Thank you for reading.