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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am a mess

6 replies

Broken889 · 20/10/2019 18:01

I am nearly 30 but I have never had a long term relationship . I was recently in a ‘sort of’relationship with a friend who would not commit and also a fantasy relationship with a guy who was / is a real horror. Second guy just texted me when he fancied, I was attracted to him so went along with it.The most recent time we met was horrendous , he told me I won’t meet a man with short hair and that I ask stupid questions. I slept with him and after he just chucked me straight out. He said we have nothing in common and blocked me.I ended up sobbing to his flat mate who probably couldn’t believe the state of me. I really embarrassed myself.
I just have such low self esteem and I don’t seem to meet any ‘nice guys ‘. I am startling to just not feel worthy. Everyone I know has settled down but me. I don’t know how to stop the bad cycle . Any advice ?

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 20/10/2019 18:07

You poor thing that all sounds shit.

Did you sleep with him after he said those horrible things? I only ask because if so then I think some counselling would be really beneficial, that should have been enough for you to walk out. Not in a patronising way as I have had such low confidence in the past I can't believe what I put up with.

My advice is to be single for a while. Consciously single. No dating apps, no speaking to exes etc. Date yourself for a while! Give yourself the attention you have felt you need from other people, spend quality time doing the things YOU like.

In my experience if you are an anxious person with low self confidence (as I had always been) it's hard to meet someone and form a healthy attachment until you are genuinely ok in your own. Meeting someone is a bonus and meeting someone great is worth waiting for.

Sorry you've had a shit time of it OP. The positive thing is that at the moment you aren't in a toxic relationship or reliant on someone - you've got it all to play for, you can do it! Thanks

Pinkbonbon · 20/10/2019 18:12

There are a lot of horrid people out there and no matter how thick of a skin you develop, unfortunately these sorts are experts at finding weak spots and making people feel shit.

The best thing you can do is learn to listen to what people say and if they say something that makes you think 'well wtf would they say that for?' Or 'that isn't very nice' ask yourself the reasons and motivations behind them saying those things. Because what it boils down to is - they just aren't a nice person. And they don't want good things for you.

For example, the comment about your hair was to.make u feel like no other man would be into you and that you should be greatful he was showing an interest. Pretty obvious when you listen to it really... but you probably wanted to see good in him. Instead of excusing what people say in future as 'a misunderstanding' or 'perhaps he doesn't think before he speaks' or ect...trust your initial sense. Lots of people are nasty. And they often tell you exactly who they are early on.

clarabell1989 · 20/10/2019 19:23

Firstly OP, you are still really young, so you should worry about making yourself happy first before you start looking for anyone. That guy is obviously cruel and nasty and not worth having. I understand you feel embarrassed but sobbing after you've been treated like that is a normal reaction. He should be ashamed of himself and if his flatmate thought badly of you, well then maybe he's the same sort of person.

I know it might be hard to see it now, but maybe this is an opportunity for you to work on yourself. Sometimes it takes things getting to rock bottom for us to realise we have to change/want to change. That guy was wrong to treat you cruelly and to insult you and try to bring you down but anyone who does that has their own problems and, frankly, you're too good to give him any more consideration. In the past I've found it useful to try to think really hard about the red flags and how I ignored them. I would advise working on your self-esteem for a while. Make it your project. What I would recommend is writing things down, doing exercise, yoga, meditation, affirmations, eating really healthily, cut down on caffeine and alcohol and junk, set achievable goals and work towards them. I've been where you are, getting treated like crap, mostly because I didn't follow through on my intuition. Don't get me wrong, I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was (and neither did you) but my gut screamed at me to run away but I would stay put and take it and hope if I was good enough I'd get treated better. It took me a long time to build my self-esteem up, but I did it. You have to give yourself the respect you deserve.

There's a book called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk which helped me and I know it's not to everyone's tastes but Louise Hay You Can Heal your Life helped me although I found it a bit silly. There are also plenty of websites and YouTube videos. No other person can give you self-respect. You have to do it for yourself. A guy who disrespects you isn't worth your time.

You can do this. You are just as good as all the people who are in happy relationships and meet nice guys. Maybe you've been told different. Those people were wrong though. They told you that because of their own crap. Make a promise to yourself not to waste anymore time being the person other people tell you you are or have to be and if something makes you feel bad, it is bad, and you should back away with your head held high.

lexiepuppy · 20/10/2019 20:24

Stay away from relationships for a few months and gather yourself back up.

Look at why you have low self esteem.
Look at why you are attracted to these horrible men and where it might have come from.
Do these men remind you of a parent or sibling?

I have 4 pieces of relationship advice ,(There are plenty more!).

  1. You can not force someone to love you.
  2. The only behaviour you can control is your own.
3.The only person that can make you truly happy is yourself.
  1. The only person that you can change , again, is yourself.

Detox any toxic people out of your life. Delete and block anybody nasty.

Love yourself more.Flowers

Jane1978xx · 20/10/2019 20:53

Agree with the above. No men for 6 months. Spend time with friends and family. Take up a hobby or decorate your house. Concentrate on yourself

Interestedwoman · 20/10/2019 21:38

I would get therapy. The earlier in life you get it, the more you'll avoid years of bollox. I wish I'd made a serious commitment to it long term earlier in life.

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