The New Girflriend

[crappyday2018]

Not looking for advice really, just a vent. I split with abusive ex over 2 years ago after 17 years together. We have 2DS. He was horrendous to me for a long time.
Fast forward to last month when he announced he had been seeing someone for over a year and wanted her to meet the kids. Obviously I couldn't care less he has a new girlfriend but when he talks of involving the kids that doesn't feel good.
I was obviously nice about it and said it was good he had told me etc etc and he seems to have been fairly considerate in telling me.
It hasn't taken him long to start having cosy family outings with her and her DD and it just all feels shit.
I know I can't do anything about it, and it was probably bound to happen eventually.
I can't help but think "why does he get to meet someone and be happy?" when he was the abusive arsehole. And here is me still single and struggling to meet someone!
It doesn't feel very fair I suppose.

Nothing is set in stone. He may have short term happiness, i.e. they could split next year. You may wait a year and find the love of your life.

Try and not compare. What we have or haven't now can be very different in the future.

@Windmillwhirl yes I know you're right. I can't help but think he will revert back to his 'real self' eventually so I should feel sorry for her really. They obviously don't live together (yet) so that might be when cracks show.

But yes, I should stop comparing and focusing on me. Because since we have split I have just managed to buy my own house and he is still living at his mums!

He will have short term affairs but never really connect with anybody. During these periods he will be slightly more accommodating. You will take a bit of time to process, heal, bounce back, and when you do, you will be able to look back on what happened with objectivity and probably some ideas about what you could have done differently but you'll accept it, and you'll forgive yourself for colluding in his treatment of you by not ending it sooner. He meanwhile will never take any responsibility for anything. I promise you, or can reassure you.... you will have freedom and optimism butit will be based on self-awareness and wisdom and independence. I felt like you did. Im in a much better place emotionally than my abusive x who continues to blame everybody else.

Don't compare. His victories are hollow, inauthentic and temporary. Yours will be slower because genuinely adjusting to a new life, emotionally, practically, financially, it is a process, it doesnt happen overnight.

Make sure that every decision you make is in your best interest in the long run and don't date to appear to be dating.

Well done on getting your own place - it's a huge achievement!

Put your energy into you. You'll feel so much better and stronger for it

It is so hard I know. It might fall apart. She might tolerate his behaviour for many years. Like you and I did. They will treat them the same way they treated us. And although after our years of experience of these men. We know we deserve better it doesn't make it any easier I know. Feel sorry for her.

Thank you all, that really helps. I just feel that karma never seems to work in my favour. He's the one who deserves to be alone and unhappy.

It helps to remember that things could be worse, I could still be with him!!

My ex left me ten years ago, after 21 years of marriage, for the latest woman in a long line of affairs. He is still with the same person although he has had lots of flings in that time as he was travelling alot, and they broke up several times and got back together. I have just dated a few people but for the majority of the last 10 years I've been on my own, and the only way I have managed to get over the exact feeling that you describe is that I got to keep my wonderful children and they only saw him occasionally when he could be bothered with them. Now they appreciate that, and though they love him, they don't have any illusions about him. I still feel a slight pang when they go and see him with the woman I call "the C-word" (her name begins with C), but I console myself that I did better in the end. And I think I've found someone new now, and it has been worth the wait. So hold your head up high and keep imagining that wonderful man who you would like to have in your life, it will come true eventually!

Get yourself out there, start dating if you want to meet someone. Have fun and enjoy yourself. After that last relationship you are stronger and wiser and you know your worth. Let them do the cosy family stuff. I know that must be hard but he’s no prize. You know that XX

Thank you. I just have to get used to the idea and I'll be fine. @suitsyoumadam I'm glad you have found someone new now, you deserve it. I suppose one good thing for me is that I ended the relationship on my terms and wouldn't have him back if he was the last man on earth.
I suppose I just hate that he's found someone else and I'm still trawling through crappy dating sites.

Karma can take 7 years. Wait. At first i was like you.

Felt like you i mean, watching my x's build a bear speed new life

You only think he’s happy. The reality is probably different.
Leopards don’t change their spots, they just camouflage them for while.

YOU don’t want him, he’s not good enough. Foucus on your own happiness and achievements.

Thank you