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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I stop all contact with my mother?

23 replies

1Micem0use · 20/10/2019 16:20

Growing up my mother was emotionally abusive, and neglectful. She also allowed her boyfriend to be emotionally abusive and mildly physically abusive. Spitting and pushing. I moved out to go university at 18, and apart from one horrendous summer never returned. It was quite the incentive to be successful and always put a roof over my own head.
Despite all that for some reason I always tried to build bridges and keep things as civil as possible. I invited them to my graduations, I sent them birthday and Christmas presents. I tended to be the one to initiate communication, which was usually over email once I moved abroad, as international calls were expensive and mum refused to get any kind of social media to video call over. So for years things were distant, but civil.
I'm currently 7 months pregnant. I recently returned to the UK, I'd been living and working in Korea for the previous 2 and half years, and within 2 weeks I got a nasty email from my mother. She told me how hurt she was that I hadn't arranged to come up to her home town to visit her and my 17 year old sister who she claims is sick. Apparently she has mild heart arrhythmia and fatigue. I wasnt even fully over jet lag, and my priority was getting registered with the doctors, changing my address with the bank, and all of those sort of things. At no point had she asked to come visit me, or meet me at the airport or offer to be a birthing partner, or anything like that. She's an able bodied 42 year old. I'm in England, she's in Wales.
Anyway I sent her back a very honest email explaining that given how abusive she and her boyfriend had been she should consider herself lucky that I wanted a relationship with her at all. That I'd only been back in the UK for two weeks, have a lot to arrange, and she was being completely reasonable.
She hasn't contacted me since. Not even a happy birthday text or email.
I imagine at some point she'll try to contact me.
I'm thinking I don't want anything further to do with her, and that she isn't someone I want around my child. I've spent the last 8 years trying to be the bigger person, build bridges, maintain some semblance of a relationship.
I know nobody in my family would think poorly of cutting her off. Everyone knows what she and her bf are like.
Has anyone any advice? Or personal experience with cutting off a parent?

OP posts:

Geppili · 20/10/2019 17:09

Hi I think you should ask for this to be moved to relationships as I will get more responses. I have a sibling who went completely NC with our negligent and abusive mother. I wish I had. I spent years trying to get her love and approbation. When I had DC I realised more what my childhood had been like at the ages my DC were.

Original poster

1Micem0use · 20/10/2019 17:20

Thank you :) And im sorry about your own childhood and mother too.
Yeah, relationships would be a more appropriate place. I'll move it as soon as ive figured out how.

OP posts:

Geppili · 20/10/2019 18:50

Thanks. I think you need to report it and ask for it to be moved. There is a really supportive thread called Stately Homes in which you will find many people with similar experiences.

Geppili · 20/10/2019 18:53

She sounds really self absorbed. The spitting is horrific. It's very demeaning and I would not describe that behaviour to a child or adult as mild abuse.

Geppili · 20/10/2019 18:53

Do you have a partner?

Geppili · 20/10/2019 18:56

I just reported and asked them to move it

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 20/10/2019 18:57

We'll move it for you now, OP.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 19:00

Don't let her near your child.

RandomMess · 20/10/2019 19:04

Don't let her near you it will just bring drama and pain

BigCuddlyGorilla · 20/10/2019 22:08

OP my story is eerily similar to yours and I’m now NC with my mother.
You were absolutely right and fair to say what you did- it’s extremely hard (perhaps impossible) to forget things that have happened in the past and play happy families. You may well find you feel a lot more free and peaceful if you go no contact with her. Do you see a therapist? It might be useful especially as you’re about to become a mum (congrats) which often brings up a lot of anxiety for those who were abused as a child.

If I were you I wouldn’t contact your ‘mother’ again and build your own separate life free of the aggro and upset.

Original poster

1Micem0use · 20/10/2019 22:08

Thank you for moving this for me. And everyone's support and advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

1Micem0use · 20/10/2019 22:13

I don't see a therapist, but that's a good idea. I'll ask my doctor if I can be referred. Yeah, I am worried about repeating any of the unhealthy behaviour that was the norm around me until I left home.

OP posts:

Original poster

1Micem0use · 20/10/2019 22:18

No partner. Although I will be co parenting to an extent, the father is a canadian who still lives and works in S Korea where we met. I'm not without a support network though. I'm living with my older half brothers from my fathers first marriage for as long as I need. I have great friends. A wonderful grandmother. And some great aunts uncles and cousins.

OP posts:

SleepyKat · 21/10/2019 11:20

I'm sorry you're going through this. I certainly don't think it would be unreasonable to go non contact. Does she bring anything positive to your life? You certainly don't owe her anything.

I've been NC with my mother for 6 years, best decision I ever made. Was like a weight lifted off me.

Original poster

1Micem0use · 21/10/2019 12:05

No, she doesn't bring anything positive to my life. She's just a cause of worry and upset. And anger. Its not just me she treats terribly, shes been awful to her own mother.
I'm glad you feel better for going NC. I'm almost certain that's what I'm going to do.

OP posts:

Windydaysuponus · 21/10/2019 12:10

Ime a crap dm def makes for a crap dgm also.
She may have tried to rewrite history but you haven't.
Don't let your dc be party to her abusive nature.
I imagine once you give birth your protective instincts will make you wonder how you ever considered having her anywhere near either of you....

RhubarbTea · 21/10/2019 12:15

Yep, been there, done that. Both the best and the hardest thing I've ever done. I'd definitely advocate for getting therapy, longer term over say 6 months to a year or more and it will help you make sense of your feelings as you make this big step.

My mum wasn't as horrendous as yours but there is just so much. So many memories of her being absolutely awful and when I remember them I cringe inside and am thankful again I cut contact. I also miss her nice side and just having a mum in general, even though she let me down time and again and couldn't give me the support and empathy I so desperately wanted and needed. There is a certain grief that happens when you stop contact because you are accepting that you will not get the mum you wanted, ever. You are giving up on that even happening and that can be incredibly painful, as well as cathartic and healing.
So I suppose anticipating that there will be grief and sadness might help, and realising that the sadness and loss doesn't mean that it's the wrong choice, just a hard one which is quite taboo in our society.

I've also learned who I can and can't talk about it with, the friends who have similar mums get it completely while people who have nice mums will never understand. That's okay and I am glad they don't know what it was like to have a mother like mine. I just change the subject and don't vent to them as they won't get why it's sometimes necessary to cut your mum out of your life.

Windydaysuponus · 21/10/2019 12:24

Forgot to say I have been nc with my dm for a long time.
When she kept trying to give me parenting advice and calling my dd's by alternative names- as she didn't like my choice - I knew it was time to call a day on our relationship.

Original poster

1Micem0use · 21/10/2019 15:00

Even before I thought about going NC I knew I'd never leave her alone with my baby. And now I just want both of us to be free from all the toxity and stress of dealing with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

1Micem0use · 21/10/2019 15:05

Thank you for sharing your experience. Its helped me to make up my mind about going NC. Trying to make everything nice and build bridges didnt change who my mother is, and I do feel sad that shes never going to be the loving mother I remember from my early childhood, but yes I think I just need to accept that, grieve for it, and move on. Will be looking into therapy also.

OP posts:

Blondebakingmumma · 21/10/2019 15:07

It sounds like you have maintained a relationship with your mother for years out of guilt or a want to have a mother/daughter bond. Now you are pregnant you will need to put the needs of your child over your mum. It sounds like you are there already and are just processing your choice.

You owe your mother nothing. Enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby.

Original poster

1Micem0use · 21/10/2019 15:35

I think that's very accurate. Particularly the guilt bit. I do feel bad for my mother in some ways. She had me very young, 17, and my father married her out of a sense of it being the right thing to do. The marriage didnt last long, and soon after she got into a relationship with an awful man who shes been with ever since. She never really got to be a young person, or even to finish high school. I imagine she feels quite resentful of me as im well educated, and widely travelled. I've been able to live just for me, with no responsibility bigger than my cat until now. Ofcourse none of that excuses her abusiveness or means I have to maintain a relationship with her. And ive got to think of my child first now.

OP posts:

BigCuddlyGorilla · 21/10/2019 17:27

So many memories of her being absolutely awful and when I remember them I cringe inside and am thankful again I cut contact. I also miss her nice side and just having a mum in general, even though she let me down time and again and couldn't give me the support and empathy I so desperately wanted and needed. There is a certain grief that happens when you stop contact because you are accepting that you will not get the mum you wanted, ever. You are giving up on that even happening and that can be incredibly painful, as well as cathartic and healing.
So I suppose anticipating that there will be grief and sadness might help, and realising that the sadness and loss doesn't mean that it's the wrong choice, just a hard one which is quite taboo in our society.

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

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