Why has this happened?

[NormaBean]

I’ve been with DH for 15 years. He is my best friend and the only family I have. We get on extremely well, he’s the first person I contact when anything good or bad happens and vice versa. We enjoy each other’s company and our relationship has been easy, despite many dramas in other areas of our lives.

I went back to university to do a professional qualification and phd and he has supported me for the last two years. I finished my studies and will be starting a senior role in January. We used to be on a similar level job and wage wise but from January I’ll be earning significantly more than him. It’s been a difficult few years and he’s been looking forward to me earning, as have I.

In July we attended a birthday party for a friend of his. I’d had surgery the day before and couldn’t drive, I shouldn’t really have been there but thought I’d take it easy. For this reason he said he’d stick to soft drinks so he could drive me back to the hotel if anything went wrong or I needed to rest. He didn’t though. He got so wasted, like I’ve never seen before. He avoided me and acted like I was a total stranger. Whenever I tried to talk to him he gestured as if I was having a go at him, rolling his eyes to his mates and storming off. It was so strange and has never happened before.

I took a taxi back to the hotel and he didn’t turn up until the early hours. He then kept me awake with drunken snoring. We had to leave at 7am and he still wasn’t sober enough to drive at this point so I had to, despite being advised not to after the surgery.

He was very sorry and ashamed of how he’d acted. He said he had no idea why he’d been like that and wouldn’t drink again. Since then though, he’s remained off with me. I’ve asked him countless times why he’s so different and he just says ‘I don’t know’.

In August I arranged a holiday for us to try and help encourage us back to normal. He made no effort whatsoever towards it. I planned every detail and paid for it all (with the last of my savings). Each day I had to ask if he was enjoying himself because he was just quiet and expressionless. I tried to make it all lighthearted and jokey by not talking about us or anything for days but still got nothing from him. We sat in silence at dinner, bickered over absolute nonsense and were the complete opposite to how we normally are.

Since we got home, nothing has changed. He’s been silent, dull and just existing. It all came to a head last week when I said I couldn’t take it anymore, I’ve tried talking to him, taking him away, distracting him, everything I could and I’ve had nothing in return. He said he ‘just feels empty’ and doesn’t know what to say or do. So that was it.

I‘ve been living upstairs in our house and he’s been living downstairs. If we cross paths it’s incredibly awkward. I’m relieved when he goes out. I can’t move out until January as I have no income until then. I have no one to stay with. He’s the same.

I just don’t know what happened. We’ve never had any problems, he’s always been very loving and attentive, we were working towards January when everything would be much better, we could afford a better home, have an extra income and so on. Then all of a sudden we’re strangers living in the same house. No cheating, no blow out argument, no massive break up. I’m at a total loss.

Has anyone been through similar and can shed some light on why and what the hell is going on?

He doesn’t feel you need him anymore

He sounds depressed, but that will be the outcome of something changing for him. It's rare for depression to just occur out of nowhere.

Does he have a trauma history?
Does he have contact with women via work? Anyone new on the scene there?
Does he have friends/ a social life without you?

Have you asked him to get counseling and if so what was the reaction?

The fact he said he feels empty stands out to me. Could he be depressed? Would counseling be an option for the both of you? It’s fair enough to say that sometimes people just grow apart through no ones fault but there seems to be something else going on here. You have to decide if you’re going to fight for this, or alternatively start getting ready for a new chapter in your life without him

No trauma history, he had a very happy childhood and still has a great relationship with his parents although they live in a different country now.

No contact with women at work. He works with just 4 other people, all men.

I can’t see how he could have met anyone new. When he’s not working he’s at home unless he’s coaching football which he does twice a week.

He’s terrible with technology and is always asking me to fix his phone so I have easy access and that hasn’t changed. Not that I’ve looked at messages but you’d think he’d become more secretive if there was anything going on.

He has really lovely friends who he keeps in touch with and sees regularly through football. His job is something he says he finds easy but he mostly enjoys the football coaching, he’s never been a career-oriented person.

He’s always been one of those that doesn’t fully understand depression. He used to say that if he ever felt stuck in a rut then football or doing something like a half marathon sorted him out. If I suggested counselling he’d probably find it ridiculous.

I think it's the fact that he was supporting you financially and then it sounds like your not yourself presence at the party.

To me, that's a red herring tho, doesn't count. Youd had an op, you had the right to be incapacitated.

But do depend on him financially for so long, that seems like the problem.

Yet January, when it will all reverse, is so close!!!

Exactly. I’ve been over and over everything I think it could be and if it was the supporting me thing, why now? We agreed that once I’m settled into the new job he can pursue coaching badges or volunteer or go back to university, anything he wants.

I’m tired of trying to figure it out based on nothing. All I have is ‘I feel empty’ ‘I don’t know what to say or do’. If he doesn’t know what the problem is then how am I supposed to fix it.

Do you think one of his friends said something about how you'll be out of his league, or something daft like that?

I wouldn't let go of this relationship easily if he's normally great. Would he agree for both of you to see a counsellor?

Have you ever earned more than him before? Is he used to you depending on him?

If he won't talk (or can't- may not have the skills to talk about feelings or even have names for them - common in men) and won't go to counselling, there isnt much you can do.

Can you perhaps make a plan to detach a bit until the new year. Travel, study, etc. without him. When you are earning again, pick back up and see if that causes a change in him.

It does just sound, to me, like he feels negative and perhaps taken advantage of, doesn't want you to be dependent on him, and the experience of you having had the op and needing him just completely freaked him out. And he doesn't have the emotional vocabulary to even talk about it.

If hes not career oriented he may just be hating being the breadwinner, and hating himself.for hating it, and feeling he can't tell you because hes a horrible person for not wanting to be the breadwinner etc.

But you just dont know.
I would stop expecting things from him and just step back and concentrate on you for a bit x

Sounds similar to my experience. I met my first serious partner at college. His course meant six months in 'industry' each year so he had loads more money than me. We both often talked about how it would take longer for me to be established in my profession but that eventually I would easily put web him.

I thought he was proud of our modern, equal inspire of differences relation ship

In fact , once I earned more, it all started to fall apart. We split, but it really took far too long for me to initiate the split.

Looking back, i noticed that while he was contributing more money, I tended to let him make decisions but that I expected it would be my turn once I earned more. He did not want or expect things to change in that way

We are much happier apart. I only wish it had not taken me ten years to realise he wanted to be 'in charge ' all the time

Could there be any similar echos in your relationship? His Offering to drive you then letting you down so publicly feels to me as if might be.

HollowTalk He is often the one to get in with the ‘out of his league’ jokes first. His friends do make them and have for years but it’s an obvious joke as everyone knows what an amazing person he is (normally).

Re the counselling, I can see him agreeing to it if I wanted it but then not putting any effort in because he doesn’t go for those things. He’s said in the past he doesn’t get the need for counselling or why depressed people don’t just get out and exercise (I know).

I have never earned more than him before and have only relied on him for the last two years, never before that.

I got quite ill last year and he was an absolute saint. Brought me everything I needed in hospital, took care of everything at home and then was so kind and caring when I came home. He was just as attentive this year for my operation but then suddenly switched afterwards. It’s like he’s a different person.

He’s not in the slightest bit controlling, in fact he’s quite the opposite. He asks me how and when to do everything. When I was working I would normally be out of the house a lot and he’d just check in daily to see if I was ok. He’d even get up hours early to make me a brew and breakfast for my early shift or get up in the middle of the night to make me dinner once I got home. It just makes no sense why everything has changed.

Thank you for the advice and suggestions, it is very helpful. I think taking a step back and focusing on recovering and the new job might be all I can do right now, I’m not sure anything else will help.