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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sticky separation issues

11 replies

richteasandcheese · 20/10/2019 16:14

We've decided to separate (I've been unhappy for years, he's an emotionally abusive narc who thinks he's the one who's been wronged) and it's mostly amicable (ish, as long as I dont have too strong an opinion obvs) He's here till after Christmas and we have a mostly agreeable plan for the kids, and will be organising a SA with solicitor input.

My current sticking issue is that we have two cars, only one of which I can drive. Both are in his name. On his weekends with the kids, he wants to take the car I can drive, so im not 'driving around in luxury'/because it's better for the kids. However, that would leave me unable to get to work/paying lots of taxis. His answer is that I learn to drive manual, which is fine, but I won't be able to afford lessons if he is forcing me to pay £50+ taxis per weekend. Can the solicitor argue my case on that? When I said I'll just get my own car, he said how would we afford it, but as far as I'm concerned, we doesn't come in to it??

He also thinks the answer to the care of our dogs lies in him being able to come round to the house when I'm out to walk them? I'm not comfortable with that but can't think of a reason why other than I don't want him too.

Speaking to my solicitor next week but any insights would be helpful

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GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 16:16

Yes solicitor. Honestly they cut through so much of this nonsense. You're entitled to be able to get yourself about and to have privacy once he's moved out.

richteasandcheese · 20/10/2019 16:43

Thank you. He wants to discuss everything ourselves but I know it's a control thing - he wants me to bow down to what he wants

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Rtmhwales · 20/10/2019 17:01

Why can't you sell both cars, split the proceeds equally and buy your own drivable cars from that?

richteasandcheese · 20/10/2019 17:03

^ well that's what I said, but he can't apparently, because they are on some 4 year agreement. We don't own outright

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GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 17:14

I'm such a pushover I bend to anything for an easy life and XH isn't even particularly controlling. My solicitor basically had all those awkward conversations with his so I didn't have to!

Windygate · 20/10/2019 17:38

Who's name are the care agreements in?

richteasandcheese · 20/10/2019 17:40

His. So I'm not liable for either, and could get my own car regardless

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Windygate · 20/10/2019 19:09

Sorry Cheese I got distracted by cooking. If the finance agreements are in his name then you are not liable. He could take you of the insurance etc but would that be such a bad thing? You could buy your own car, I'd leave it as long as possible but be ready to sort yourself out.

RandomMess · 20/10/2019 19:14

Seriously buy your own car that is suitable for you and the DC sooner rather than later Thanks

When he moves out it becomes your home not his so he no longer has the right to come and go as he pleases, I suggest you change the locks!

richteasandcheese · 20/10/2019 19:25

Apparently he has no desire to be visiting often but he has also expressed his desire to see 'the mess the house will be in' without him around. Funny really since he does naff all to help and we won't have his shit laying around. I suspect the car thing is another control issue - the smaller car is more than satisfactory for him and the kids at present, so there's no reason why it shouldn't be when we are apart.

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richteasandcheese · 20/10/2019 22:33

Well he's budged a bit on the car front but laying everything out is so bloody brutal, I just wanted to cry the whole time. Must keep the end goal in sight

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