OLD and Don't Know Yet/Relationship

[LeekScene]

Hi all. I'm a 47-year old Male, divorced in 2017. I can struggle to meet single women IRL due to my job, circumstances and limited social circle. I'm an introvert and a bit socially awkward, but I am trying to put myself out there more.

Anyway, I use Bumble and Hinge and do get likes, matches and have conversations, and do get the odd date every now and again. However, I meet someone who is great, we get on really well, we spend time together and I start to think that things could progress towards exclusivity and a relationship, only to be told that "I'm not ready for a relationship". Usually I'm then blocked on WhatsApp etc. so I can't ask for further clarification and I'm left wondering, upset and confused.

I know people put Don't Know Yet in the what they're after section of their profile, and that's fair enough, but why put that you're looking for a relationship and then wobble/back out when it's within reach?

Is the prospect of a relationship that scary to some people?

Do I emotionally invest too soon?

Should I concentrate on cultivating friendships IRL instead with a view to dating and a possible relationship?

I know the above questions are rhetorical, but I'm interested in getting opinions and advice.

Thanks.

When someone says they don't want a relationship, they mean they don't want one with you. You just need to keep dating until you meet that one special person, because that's all you're looking for, one person, and sometimes that takes time and a lot of dates. In my case over four years of dating before I found my partner of now seven years!

I would only want a relationship with the right person, not just any relationship that was ‘within reach’. There are plenty of nice people OLD, but just because I like someone and get on with them it doesn’t mean I would want to get involved romantically. Try not to get invested until you know you’re on the same page...

You sound a lovely and really genuine man op. Maybe you just haven't met the right person yet. You come across as a really approachable and reasonable person.

I think the "don't know bit" is more like "scared of getting hurt again and don't wait to emotionally over invest in anyone."

For me, anyways. Also, sexual/physical attraction is as important as the emotional side of things during the early days of meeting someone, imo.

Interesting how posters are sympathetic with you because you are a man. If you were a women, the advice would be along the lines of "you need to be able to enjoy your own company first before you can be happy with another person", etc

Thanks for the advice so far. Appreciate it.

There was definite physical and sexual attraction with my last date - and we took that further - but I was keen to stress that I wasn't after a ONS and I thought that we were on the same page about that, and other things.

I guess you never really know what goes on with people, especially if they don't make things clear (for whatever reason).

There could be many reasons they 'back out'. Often, I have found with men anyway, that they are very recently out of a relationship so not actually ready for another one. They are in 'panic mode' and then realise when things start to get serious, that its not the right time.
I have to admit, I used to put 'looking for a relationship' on my POF profile when I didn't want anything serious, mainly because the 'wants to date but nothing serious' attracted all the weirdos and pervs.
You sound lovely, don't give up hope. You just haven't met the right one yet. I would just try not to invest too soon and always take things slowly. It stops you getting so hurt if someone does suddenly back off.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

I mean, I'm not in the habit of getting intimate with someone so quickly but it felt right at the time and we both wanted it to happen so it did.

I just thought that it was going to be the springboard to exclusivity and a relationship, not the end of everything.

Everyone has their reasons, and it's speculation to try and figure out why unless they lay it all out themselves and tell you.

I'll keep looking, both on OLD and IRL. Onwards and upwards.

I find that chemistry is better when you connect naturally in real life. What's stopping you from joining groups/starting hobbies? You say you're socially awkward but once you get over that first hurdle, it would do your confidence the world of good.

Do you have children?

I always wanted to cultivate a friendship and relationship IRL but I live in a small, rural Market Town with a limited dating pool (for 40-somethings anyway).

I like, and use, OLD because everyone is on there for the same reason (I assumed) - i.e. chat to someone, go on a date, date some more, have a relationship and delete the dating apps etc. But, it's not as simple as that, is it?

No, no kids.

I've tried the hobbies and interests route. I joined a photography club but it was competition-based and full of kind and well-meaning retirees! I left after a year.

A lot of my social and business life revolves around my local Arts Centre, and I am a member of a business networking group (which also combines business and the social side), so I really do put myself out there, socially.

I'm now starting to venture out further afield - to gigs in the nearest city, and perhaps even to Manchester in future - to find "my tribe" and be with my sort of people.

Just feel like I'm missing the last piece of the jigsaw.

There is a dating thread on relationships board named as such. Go say hello - plenty will have had similar experience as you - though possibly the type of behaviour you experienced is more common from men than women. OLD, from what friends have told me can ve a sodding nigtmare!

Do a lot of single women go to gigs though? Maybe they do, but it wouldn't be a first choice for me to meet someone. What about a gym?

I think you need to give the dating sites longer....

I'm also a gym member. Been going to the same gym for nearly 3 years.

Single women do go to gigs, although I know that the gig-going experience for women isn't always the best! I'm 6 foot 4" tall and often get grief at gigs myself, although for very different reasons!

I won't give up on OLD until I've met someone and choose to delete the apps.

Thanks. I'll check out the Dating thread.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things. Keep going, cause really it's not been that long, if you've only been actively looking for a few years.

I agree, you're doing all the right things. It really just boils down to being in the right place at the right time, so getting out there as much as you can gives you the best chance of that happening.
I'm early 40s and been single well over 2 years. I've dated a couple of guys on OLD which didn't work out and met 1 person IRL but sadly he was from miles away (and a bit too young for me) so that didn't progress either.
My other single friend keeps asking me to go to the races with her as apparently there are lots of singles there - I might give that a go next.
Just try not to become fixated on meeting someone. I got like that and it ended up making me feel worse. That is why I've deleted the apps for now but will go back to them in time.

OP you sound just like the male version of me .

I'm also in my late 40s and this has happened to me a few times with OLD. I think a lot of people on there don't want anything heavy even if they put they are looking for a relationship on their profiles.

It can be difficult to meet potential partners in real life. That's why I'm having another go with OLD.

Thanks for your responses, all. Much appreciated.

@OPnameChange I’m not being sympathetic because he is a man. It’s the same advice I would give to anyone. I think a problem with OLD is that sometimes people assume that I want ‘more’ just because a date has gone OK. Good luck OP and try not to jump the gun!

So I’ve dabbled in OLD but given up at present, I find it soul destroying! I used to put I was looking for a relationship but the men I got talking to - not the right sort clearly - presumed I wanted a relationship with just anyone/first man that came along/them, when that is far from the truth! So I got tired of explaining myself when asked about what I was looking for, so I changed it to ‘don’t know’.

I do know, I want a relationship.

My exb told me he now puts he’s looking for a relationship on OLD, (even though he isn’t, he just wants all the good parts of a relationship but with no emotions involved), as he thinks it will attract more attention 🙄🙄 So I’m not really sure what to read into anyone’s ‘looking for’ Section tbh.

OP - I'm not sure whats ‘your bag’ or how well you know Manchester but I live in Manchester so I may be able to help you out where to go etc, if you want to PM me.

OP, I’m from your neck of the woods and I think youre doing all you can given the limitations of where you live.

It’s hard but there are places to go.

PS I go to gigs in Staffordshire/Cheshire/Manchester on my own, its a great way to meet people.

Why did you say to the lass that you didnt want a ons? Do you get that most ons are because the sex wasn't enjoyable enough for one of the partners to want to do it again... ons are not negative and telling her you didnt want one may have made her feel uncomfortable and trapped like you were saying "dont walk away from me".

I'd play it much cooler OP, give people space to really be themselves, be truly curious about them without announcing how you feel relationships should go. It takes years to really get to know someone so let people really unfold... without trying to define things or say where you want to go.

Because surely you want to go somewhere different with each person you meet... ? It all depends on what kind of person they are..

OLD worked for me (with partner over a year now), but took 3 years to meet him and I know it often takes longer on OLD. Most of the time 1st dates would go nowhere for me or I would think I had met someone I liked and was attracted to and it was mutual, but then after learning more could see issues that I couldn't get passed.

I initially tried to be honest, but had men arguing they would change or I should change. In the end it was just easier to end things and block on WA than explain. It takes several months to really start to get to know someone, but when you know it won't work you do know.

Stick at it, it takes time, breathe and enjoy the journey.