Hi
This might be a bit long winded but I really need some sort of sense to how I'm feeling.
Started seeing my ex around 7 years ago when he'd just come out of a relationship. It took him ages to commit to me and messed about a fair bit. This obviously wasn't the best foundation to start a relationship but by then I was already emotionally invested. By the time he finally said we'd give it a proper go I was really down from it all so felt I was just greatful that he'd finally chosen me! I know it all sounds pathetic now but that's how it was.
We moved in quite quickly and things were okay for a while but because of the start, I had no trust and couldn't just enjoy it.
After the first two years things kind of just flat lined, he started sleeping downstairs a lot saying that he fell asleep while playing the computer. I'd get really upset and ask him to come to bed. I felt so rejected. As time went on, it just become the norm and I would go up having said goodnight and that's how it went. I somehow got pregnant when we went away for a short break (fishing!!) I naively thought that may be this would bring us closer together. It was my first pregnancy and I wanted to feel like it was a magical special time but nothing changed. He had a lot of what I think was depression. I'd have to encourage him to shower and get up for work, he wouldn't be interested in helping around the house or doing anything together. All he did was fishing at the weekends. We done absolutely nothing as a couple. When I went into labour he was so good and was there and supportive. But it soon wore off and things returned back to normal. The thing is, I ended up feeling sorry for him, I tried to encourage him to go to the doctors about his low moods and thought that may be if he got some help, it would help us too. He wouldn't go. Two years on in the same why I made the difficult decision to finally leave. Me and my little girl left the house we all shared and moved in with my grandma to save some money and start again. We had to share a bed and it was really tough as I worked full time and started a new position at work that required a lot of studying and exams for. It was a really difficult time. While I was there my ex made a few attempts at saying he wanted to try again and even went to the doctors and got some medication for his now diagnosed depression. I kept strong and focused on the direction I needed to go in for myself and my little girl. Fast forward 4 months to last Christmas he seemingly had turned things around a fair bit, he was always looking smart and had sold all his fishing stuff to decorate the house and bought himself a new car and was going out with his friends a lot more. Something he never did before!! Then boxing day he told me over text that he had met someone new. This really was a punch to the stomach. I was in a very low place living at my nanas juggling a toddler and work and exams etc and there he was all seemingly sorted and now met someone else. I wrongly or rightly panicked that this new girl would get the best of him, all I'd ever wanted over the years. So I told him how I felt and said I wanted to try again. I felt like I had fallen into a massive hole of loneliness and despair and being Xmas just intensified it all. He fucked about for a few weeks and left me hanging. He even said he was going round to this girls to tell her it was over but ended up spending the night!
When he did end up telling her I pathetically felt greatful! She messaged me on social media with lots of screenshots of messages passed between them while they were getting to know each other (a whole 5 weeks!!!) In which he had written that he had never truly loved me and that our whole relationship was forced from the beginning. She then sent pictures of them all including my little girl, sitting around the table at his house a couple of days before Xmas eatting dinner. He promised me he would never introduce our little girl to anyone until he had spoken to me and knew it was someone he really wanted to make a go of thing's with. It really hurt me so much.
But of course... I was greatful of him choosing me again. Just like at the beginning. (I'm crying so much writing that bit because I'm so ashamed)
So we started trying again but slowly I started finding things out. He lied about going to the doctors to get help. He was in debt up to his eyeballs because of his flash new car. He didn't even have enough to pay his rent so I had to lend it to him.
Luckily I still had the sense to say that I was going to still get my new place and that it would be nice for us to date and appreciate each other before jumping back into living together and all the mundane crap that comes with that. We went out a couple of times for dinner which was nice.
I moved into my new home in the June from my nan's and he helped me loads, it was going to be a fresh start for us all. I carried on with my exams and didn't have much time or headspace to think of much else while I was in the thick of it. He made me feel bad that I wasn't giving him the attention and that things had slowly got back to how they were before. He came around 2 weeks before my final exam in September and said that we shouldn't carry on. I had to agree as it was all just too much and the lies and the bad feelings of all the time gone past just kinda built up. So I agreed and we both cried but I felt relieved. A couple of weeks after that he comes around again to tell me he's met someone. And guess what.... I'm feeling panicked again!!!! I don't want to repeat the pattern because I can see it for what it is. I just don't know how to deal with his I'm feeling. I'm so sad and confused. I know it doesn't work but I do love him. The hardest thing about it all is there's nothing I can hate him over. He didn't hit me, he didn't cheat (I don't think, not physically) he's not a terrible person. We got on as friends, just couldn't make it work in a relationship. So I feel like I've still lost a big part of me. I just don't know how to deal with it all. Any advise welcome! Xx