I need some advice on best coparenting schedule once DD starts school

[Kilamod]

Hi everyone, thanks in advance for listening to my worries!

I have an almost 4 year old and we are currently looking at schools for next year. This has brought up a lot of anxieties for me regarding my coparenting schedule with my child's father.

Our relationship has not been easy, I fell pregnant the first time we had sex and did not want to pursue a relationship. He has had regular contact the whole way through and currently we have a schedule of 3 nights at mine then 2 at his then 3 at mine then 1 at his then 3 at mine and 2 at his. Haha sounds complicated, and I guess it is.

I am just worried that when she goes to school it will be a bit stressful and all over the place for her. Our relationship has not been easy and he has a very hard stance about his 'entitlement' rather than the best interests of our child. He has in the past not been easy to speak to, always defensive, he lies a lot and makes things up, basically there is almost no point talking to him about most things. So I pick my battles generally and just let the rest go.

He currently lives about 30 minutes away by public transport but has moved 3 times so far and plans to again. Saying he can't buy near us and will need to be a bit further out. This would mean taking a 4 or 5 year old on public transport, potentially making 2-3 changes along the way to school during peak hour and then back home. I am worried that is a bit much, especially as I will be right by the school.

I guess I want to know from your experience, am I being over concerned, will she just be okay with all the travelling. So, all in all he has her 5 nights over a 2 week period. For example, when he has her 6pm wed to 8am fri, she will be coming home with me at 3.30, just to then be taken to her dad's at 6pm within 2 hours, just for him to then put her to bed and take her back the next morning. Seems silly to me but then am I wrong?

I don't want to deny him contact with his child but I don't want her tired and stressed out either. As it is, even though he has been seeing her for nearly 4 years she still doesn't want to go each time. She says she wants to see Daddy but just not sleep there. It's hard for me because I can't say anything to him about it, he just says it's my anxiety that she's feeling. But he is very wrong, nothing makes me happier than when she is excited to see him, it makes my time without her more enjoyable too. I just want her to be happy. I've even started inviting him over for dinner now and again because she loves spending time with us both.

I'm probably blabbing. Any advice, suggestions from anyone in a similar situation would be wonderful.

Thanks so much :)

You need to change the arrangements. You are the primary carer. If he complains then he can take it to court. Get her into a school near you....then tell him that he can have her every other weekend Friday to Monday. You collect her from either his on Monday morning or from school on Monday afternoon.

Best if he takes her to school on Mondays though.

He will complain...he may refuse and talk about court.

Tell him that's fine...he's welcome to take it to court. A court will find in your favour because the child's welfare is what matters.

The current arrangement won't be good for her at all. If he wants more access during the week, he can move closer to her school.

You are completely correct that the current arrangements simply won't work during school term time.

He should have her every other weekend from end of school Friday until 9am Monday in term time. That will be circa 34 weekends per year depending on exact term start and end dates and assuming both weekends at beginning and end of holidays can be a bit different, and can be divided so that the current ratio of 36% of nights with him and 64% with you is broadly maintained over the course of a year if you are all happy with that division.

During the school holidays you can mix it up differently of course but the bouncing between houses midweek in term time simply won't work.

Please don't listen to strangers on the internet telling you "the court will find in your favour" without knowing the ins and outs of your situation. If you need a realistic idea of what might happen if you end up in court, talk to a family lawyer. I am a mediator (and lawyer) and also work with children as part of the process and came on to give you various options that my clients sometimes choose in your situation but the "you gave birth so you get to make all the decisions" posse on here make me despair. Good luck whatever you decide.

I would be tempted to say that he needs to pick her up from school on his days as this will mean that you have less contact with him as pick up is at school and you can work. I also would try to get two nights in the week fixed either with you or one each so she can do a club if she wants to - swimming, rainbows etc.

Why would every second weekend automatically be in the best interests of the child? It’s an outdated concept and I’m saddened that people still revert to it without any consideration for the specific family circumstances.

You need proper advice from a family lawyer but my personal view is you should be aiming for 50/50 or close to it and have a fixed pick up and drop off time. Saturday afternoon to Tuesday morning school drop off for one and Tuesday school pick up to Saturday afternoon for the other parent or similar. Then you can both make fixed arrangements and plan ahead and your child knows the routine and plan. But that’s just my view and what’s in her best interests may be slightly different. Which is why you need advice from a professional and not some stranger on the net living in the 1980s.

My ex lives 40 minutes away from DS school and takes him twice a week and collects him once a week - has done since he was 4.

From your post above it would seem the maximum number of days per week he would be taking her is 2 - no doesn’t seem that bad.

Changing to every other weekend is very unfair on the child who has had 50/50 contact with a parent. How do you think your child would feel if they suddenly only saw you every 2 weeks. Regardless of how you get on with the father if they have a good relationship such a change would cause the same trauma to the child.

I am assuming here they have a good relationship with no flags regarding abuse or neglect. This is the only case in which such a drastic reduction of visitation would be appropriate.

Also if you try this and you ex takes you to court ( which he would be well within his rights to do) they will enforce 50/50 if that has been the routine up untill now. My ex came close to this route with his son and his solicitor advised anything under an hour travel time each way to school would be acceptable to court.

What’s his schedule like? Can he do pick up and drop offs?
If he has her 5 nights now I wouldn’t minimise that if you can help it, I would do something like every Second Friday, Sat, sun night with him picking up and dropping off at school and also say maybe every Wednesday night with a school pick up and drop off at school on Thursday morning. That’s 3 pick ups and 3 drops a fortnight which he and your child would have to work around.. not bad out of a possible 10 of each.

I'd aim to stick to the 5 nights a fortnight.

Friday school pick up to Monday school drop off EOW and say every Wednesday night still works out the same and is a bit more stable and precdictable for your DD, plus he's doing a share of school contact.

You need to both decide in the best interests of the child. If you go rogue (as is often recommended here for some reason) and say ‘he can take me to court’, he can just keep your child and let you take him to court. Battling like this over a child is horrific and damaging.

Swapping houses is not an issue if your child is comfortable and secure in both homes. It just means a different room some nights and a different parent at pick up.

It is funny that children who go ‘to the country’ each weekend (I.e have a country house) are considered privileged and yet two homes due to divorce is considered a terrible deprivation.

The most important thing in co-parenting is to compromise and be on good terms. Children love both parents and hate seeing the tensions, far more stressful than swapping homes on a weekday.

Does your ex work and what hours? Do you work or do you intend to?

I think there is no right or wrong way, just what suits each family.

Do you or ex drive? could your ex rent a car for the days he has dd?

Does contact HAVE to be at his? You mentioned him coming for a meal so could he come over a couple of times for dinner, then he does bath and bed time story but at your house?

What about meeting half way for hand over? Maybe at a food place so dd gets her dinner either with you, her df or both of you. You could do this before or after school.

So, that's useful for him on "his" school nights. You have the part that limits your opportunities for working proper hours, like picking her up from school and feeding her, and he "just" puts her to bed early evening, has all the rest of that evening to himself , and has it taken into account for a reduction in child support.
Win-win for him.

Please don't override his rights to be her father. The child comes first, but those that suggest every other weekend make me so mad (I know you are not suggest that). A father 'should' have 50% time and responsibly. Now I know that often simply can't work for many many reasons, but can I suggest you ask him what he would like? Throw it back to him to make a plan that he could make work and start from there. Make it clear you think the current plan won't work (and I do think it needs to be a fixed weekly schedule for your DD) but don't want to make decisions with out his input.
However I would suggest he has Friday eve to Sunday morning each week with one more day in the week. That's how my DH worked it before he met me (I'm step mum and it's easier with the two of us). And we have had to change it a few times over the years (mostly to fit their mothers changing routines/jobs) but always kept it 3 nights a week. If he's not willing to have a sensible discussion then you will have to decide and he can't really argue about that! Keep what's good for your DD at the front of this (which you obviously are:)

Surely when DD is with her DF it's his responsibility to get her to and from school? Co-parenting should mean just, who knows you might want to use those days to increase your hours at work.

Doozer What? So OP never has a Friday night or a weekend with her own child? She just gets all the hard work of school and homework in the week?

Nah. Not fair.

Every other weekend is suggested in general so that the main caregiver is not diddled out of fun, relaxation time with their child.

Perhaps OP could suggest that her child's father moves closer. Most parents are eager to do all they can for their child.

Then he could also have a night or two in the week.

I agree with @SnowsInWater. Please seek professional advice when it comes to something so important. If you cant afford it, your local citizen's advice is a good place to start.
@Kilamod From what you've said it sounds like you're having trouble establishing boundaries with the father in general and you're worried about upsetting him. Have I got that right?

Thank you all for your views, they are each valuable, it's pretty hard being a parent and even harder differentiating between what's best for the child and what's best for us sometimes.

He did take me to Court. When she was 18 months old and at the time seeing him 2 nights each week (one at a time/6pm to 6pm). She was crying going to him and he used to tell her 'big girls don't cry'! I told him we could do 2 nights at a time if he would let us implement a short video call every day she is not with us, for us both, not just me. He refused, saying it was 'Daddy time' and instead took me to court. He told cafcass I had mental health issues and he got himself a barrister the day before court and ambushed me. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. I didn't see it coming, he lied so much and I was just sitting there unable to fight a bulldog barrister trying to take me down. It was NOT in the best interest of our child it was for him to 'win'. I can't afford a solicitor working 2 days a week and I don't want to work more and see my child every other weekend just so I have the money to fight in court.

The first mediator before the final hearing agreed with him fully. When I said things like but she's crying so much when she goes, I just want her to know I'm still around, I didn't feel the call was for me but for a tiny human not yet understanding why mummy is suddenly not there. He just said 'she'll get over it'. I guess we just have very different parenting styles. I don't want her to get over things and spend 20 years in therapy as an adult bringing herself back to normal. But I digress....

I got us a different mediator who was amazing! We only had one session but I realised I was the one that had to lead us into a better place. I did, for my baby. And I know I did it well, he thinks we're best friends and she thinks so too. I carry it all inside though and it's hard. I'm scared to speak to him about anything because he will just go right back to court and he knows I can't afford to fight back.

I gave him his 5 nights a fortnight, not realising at the time he only wanted it to be able to ask for shared residence as it's the minimum for that.

I will not go to war with him, because that will have more of a negative impact on our daughter than bouncing around between homes her whole life. keeping our relationship whole, even if it isn't 100% real is what's best for her. I think that nothing makes a child happier than having 2 happy parents with her here and there and that is what I am giving her. I arrange for us to do little outings together once in a while and now we're doing dinners too. I can suck up my feelings and manage that just to see that little smile on her face.

In saying all that, I am human too and I struggle with understanding why he gets to move around and I have to lose time with my daughter because of it. He would be able to pick her up directly from school earlier but then I don't have time with her that day.

I have suggested he moves closer and not further but he says he can't afford to. He is trying to buy somewhere instead of renting.

Thanks @Allthematchingchristmasclothes it makes me feel better that it works well for you!

@Harriett123 we don't do 50/50, she is with him 5 nights out of 14 at the moment.

@doozer42 I promise I'm not overriding his rights as her dad. But it is just hard when he is cancelling weekends with her to go away on holidays with his mates, to go to gigs and music festivals etc but then at the same time fighting me for those 'rights'. I do everything, organise everything and cancel my plans anytime for my daughter and I guess I expect the same level of commitment from him to consider us truly equal.

@sashh he does work and he doesn't drive. But he would be able to pick her up and then he would WFH. Contact would have to be at his for him to be happy. Before our Court thing I did suggest he could come see her anytime he wishes here but he said he is not a babysitter.

@larrygrylls exactly that and I will make sure she has that no matter what I decide. I'm not arguing what is better or worse, I have no idea! Which is why I am asking for advice. I am a single mum with no family here that had an unplanned baby with a stranger. I am doing my best but don't have many friends who are single parents to get advice from. In fact, don't have many friends with kids at all so have to reach out somewhere :)

I think I will ask him what he thinks would work best and take it from there. I think my main issue was worrying she would be exhausted from the travel alone nevermind suddenly going to school every day.

We still have a lot of time, I was just spending too much time overthinking it and wanted some input. Thanks all again :)

I just wanted to add, he is a good dad and he does love our daughter so much. It could be sooooo much worse, I really just want us all to be happy and to give our daughter as much of a happy family life as you can do in 2 homes.

What CallmeAngelina said. His nights need to be his nights. Either he sorts after school care or he collects her at 3.30. A lot of 4 year old spend the first term asleep by 6pm - dragging her across London on public transport at that time is not the best thing for her. However it sounds like you need to make him think it's his idea - even if that's by making him do it for a while.

Yes I think you are right. I'm basically petrified of setting him off. Thanks for the advice, I will do that :)

@WaningGibbous haha I like that. Perhaps it is just best to keep it as is and see how it all goes first. He will be sending me photos of her passed out on his arms on the way home and we can take it from there ;)