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Original poster

DH not really helping with newborn

26 replies

Jamjar2018 · 19/10/2019 22:33

I have a one month old and I’m starting to really resent my DH. We agreed as I’m EBF and he is a really light sleeper that he would sleep in a separate room. I don’t have an issue with this but he moans about being tired constantly. I walked round for 45mins earlier trying to settle the baby while my husband took a nap on the sofa. Takes the piss.
He constantly says the baby is annoying and is annoying him, and every-time he cries asks me what’s wrong with him and why he’s crying. He also hands him straight to me at the first sign of him getting fussy saying he wants me. So I’m always the one walking round with a crying baby.
We live 2hrs from my family due to his job so I’m really on my own and get no break at all. He is out 3 evenings a week (one for work and two for gym training), so I just feel like I’m doing it all by myself 95% of the time.
I don’t feel like I can raise it with him as he’s had this baby because I wanted one. He’s 9 years older and has teenage kids from a previous relationship so was well out of the baby stage. I feel like he really regrets it and in an argument would throw back that he’s only had this baby for me.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 19/10/2019 22:42

Well he shouldn’t do things he’s not 100% behind, is your argument back. And now that he’s done it, he needs to get behind it.

Bring this up when your baby isn’t crying. Just calmly state that it’s not working for you, and exactly what you need from him.
If he doesn’t like the sound of it bring up that A. His nights are not disturbed & B. He gets several evenings off.
He needs to do at least 50 % of the stuff when he’s there.

Do you think he’s bonded with the baby? Does he bath him?
Not making excuses( because it’s a bit pathetic) but some men find tiny babies unfathomable.
Ask him what it was like for him first time round.
Hope things improve and congratulations x

LadyTabasco · 19/10/2019 22:42

oh my lovely, your husband really needs a boot up the arse.

Cherrygirl3 · 19/10/2019 22:43

Oh dear. OP are you isolated? Do you know of any mother/baby groups you can attend to get you out of the house in the day? It will help to have support/chats with other mums. He really should support you more, it's such a difficult time when a baby is tiny. It does get easier as they get older but resentment will set in, well... already has hasn't it?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/10/2019 22:46

Can you go stay with your family? Maybe you’d get some help and 2fingers up to your waste
Of space husband, just for a few nights

meow1989 · 19/10/2019 22:49

When ds was tiny and I was breastfeeding basically 8pm till 4am my DH would take over in the early hours and walk our boy up and down the hallway so I could grab sleep. He would do this through the day too and we would all nap together when we could. Dh would also feed me meals whilst I was feeding so I could be fed. This is what your DH should be doing. The gym twice a week is too much with work commitment as well, he needs to be around to support you.

As for the baby "annoying him" he needs to grow up and get over it. It's a big lifestyle change having a baby l, presumably he was an equal party in the decision to have one. Does he have one on one time with your child to allow bonding? Skin to skin and cuddles is really important for dads too. Perhaps his confidence is low (no excuse, he needs to deal with it but just trying to be fair).

I would second you getting out when you can to groups etc (appreciate you're only 1 month post birth!), support of other new mums is invaluable. Could anyone from your family come to stay for a few days to help?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2019 22:50

He constantly says the baby is annoying and is annoying him, and every-time he cries asks me what’s wrong with him and why he’s crying.

I’d be spitting tacks. He knows what babies are like. He’s had two before. He’s the fucking annoying one. And you didn’t make him have a baby did you? You should feel able to be honest with him and if you can’t you’re better off without him

Original poster

Jamjar2018 · 19/10/2019 22:56

He just says that he doesn’t like babies at this age and felt the same the first time. I think part of the issue is Im breastfeeding. Him and his ex were young having their kids and bottle fed them, then had lots of willing family to look after them overnight etc. So i’m in a totally different situation which is why I don’t think he understands why I’m struggling.
I’m going to stay with my family for a night this week but might make it 2. I stayed for a few nights when the baby was 2 weeks and it was amazing. My mum and sister did everything so all I had to do was feed the baby.
I have started talking to a few local mums and getting out and about but I’m not at the stage yet where I can whinge about my husband to then!

OP posts:

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 19/10/2019 22:58

Never mind a 'boot up the arse' , he IS a bloody arse...

AthollPlace · 19/10/2019 23:01

He needs to sort himself out otherwise in the long term you’ll become resentful and hate him for dropping you in the shit. You won’t be able to forgive him and that’ll be the end of your marriage.

Anightofit · 19/10/2019 23:01

He just says that he doesn’t like babies at this age

Then why did he have one?

OkayGo · 19/10/2019 23:04

Well he doesn't have to like babies at this age. He just needs to get stuck in and get on with it. Oh my GOD these men make me so angry.

And I'm not all 'why did you have babies with him' because my sodding husband did it as well - 'I'm just not good with babies' well whyyyyy did you want one then is what I said to him.

Laalmiss3 · 19/10/2019 23:04

I would get him to help with the nappies just before you all settle down for the night then you agree that you will take the night shift as your breastfeeding as long as he gets up in the morning to do his shift! Get him to help as much as possible. You need the help and it's exhausting feeding every couple of hours, changing nappies, setting them down etc. It will help you greatly if he could take baby for a walk in pram and let you get some sleep or rest. He needs a kick up the arse! He needs to realise you need some time too to even just have a bath or read a book. If he goes out several times a week then he needs to pull his weight. needs to take some responsibility for his child and needs to support you. Well done for keeping your shit together and your doing an amazing job. You've brought his child into the world and spend every waking minute keeping your baby alive. You can do this! Take care and fingers crossed he starts helping x

Preggosaurus9 · 19/10/2019 23:05

Wow how unattractive. Nip this shit in the bud or it's going to be a long and horrible decline. It takes 2 to make a baby, he needs to get over himself. And to be honest if he cba and doesn't step up you know you can LTB any time that suits you.

BertieBotts · 19/10/2019 23:10

Sorry but do you really think if you started bottle feeding he is going to suddenly be the one doing all the bottles and half of everything else? Of course he won't. Your problem isn't breastfeeding, your problem is his attitude. I'm really sorry. But in your post you list plenty of ways you support him (moving for his work, doing all most of the baby care, letting him sleep in the spare room,listening to his random complaints) and not one single thing he's ever done for you except fathered a child , which is not at all a "thing he has done for you" because it's supposed to be a joint decision. In fact if he is holding that over you as something he's "done for you" that's also astonishingly self centred of him.

The way your mum and sister cared for you is what a husband is supposed to be doing with a baby this young. Definitely go and stay with them as much as you feel like. You deserve and need to be supported in this period.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 19/10/2019 23:18

Hi OP

It is difficult when you're breastfeeding as I think the baby is comforted a lot more by you. But that's no excuse for him not to try, and the more he hands the baby over straight away, the more the baby will want this and you'll be doing every bloody bed time and bath time etc for the rest of his life.
Also he cant be that light a sleeper if he can nap on the couch when the babys crying!
It's so shit he is out 3x a week it's like his life hasn't changed.

I'd try and talk to him again but avoid blaming him or saying 'you do / don't do x' if you can as it sounds like he will get defensive. Focus on you and your feelings eg when you pass me the baby straight away it makes me feel pressured and anxious that i cant ever be apart from him. I am struggling with doing the same thing 24/7 without a break and see if you can get through to him.
Did he actually say he didnt want a baby or just that he would do it for you? It's quite unfair to the baby to bring it up when he is actually here.

LannieDuck · 19/10/2019 23:33

Would you consider expressing? Getting into a routine where he gives baby an expressed bottle every day could be good for him, and could mean you had an hour to yourself 'off duty'.

SprinkleDash · 19/10/2019 23:41

Why the hell would you have a baby with someone that didn’t want one?? That’s ludicrous!! And now you’re all surprised he doesn’t want to parent the child!!

Give your head a wobble OP!!

Butterymuffin · 19/10/2019 23:45

What's she supposed to do now Sprinkle, stuff it back in?

When he asks why the baby is crying, I'd say 'you've got two already, you must know - here, I'll give to you for a turn'. If nothing else it might stop him asking pointless questions.

Interestedwoman · 20/10/2019 00:02

@SprinkleDash Someone can agree to their partner having a baby even though it's not their personal sole desire in life (we all help our partners do stuff they yearn for sometimes if we love them)- they still should accept reality once the baby's here and step up to the plate.

And he still played a part in and agreed to the decision, so bears half of the responsibility.

rvby · 20/10/2019 00:21

Look, he didnt want a baby and you knew that. He is now behaving exactly as anyone will have predicted.

I think you might just want to go on as if you are a single mum and start planning to leave. You can't bring a baby up in a house with a dad that doesn't want him, surely? The only possible way this could have ended was with you splitting.

That or you stay with him and ruin your baby's life. If you choose this option please start a counselling fund for the child today. They are going to need it.

Original poster

Jamjar2018 · 20/10/2019 03:37

For all those who said why did I have a baby with him: I told him from when we first met 4 years ago that i wanted kids. I asked him outright if he was done and he said he would be happy to have more. I think the reality now is sinking in for him, but ultimately I feel the weight of responsibility as it’s what I really wanted. I wouldn’t be so stupid as to bring a child into the world with someone who point blank didn’t want one.
Thanks to those with advice and support. I’m going to try and pick a moment when things are calm to talk to him. If things don’t improve I think i will just go to my mums for a few nights every week. It doesn’t solve the issue of his attitude but it at least gives me a break. The newborn phase although the days seem long now I’m told fly by, so although he thinks he can hide behind the excuse of not liking babies now he won’t be one forever.

OP posts:

prawnsword · 20/10/2019 04:23

How is he with his kids now they are older ?

SprinkleDash · 20/10/2019 07:58

@Interestedwoman Someone can agree to their partner having a baby even though it's not their personal sole desire in life (we all help our partners do stuff they yearn for sometimes if we love them)

That is utterly ridiculous!! You’re talking about a human life not a ordering a fucking pizza!!

LadyTabasco · 20/10/2019 11:57

Maybe he needs to bond with the baby. I exclusively breast fed both of mine, but my husband would settle them, bath them and change them when he wasnt at work. Or take them for a walk between feeds etc It gave him chance to bond as well.

Tiredmam66 · 20/10/2019 12:27

Oh op that sounds awful. I am due in 6 weeks time and this is my nightmare scenario.

It’s hard to say what to do in this situation, as I’m the type to fly off the handle and tell him to get the fuck out of my house if he can’t do his fair share. But that’s what I would do, tell him to bugger off in so many words, if he ever said he only had a baby for your sake that would be the end for me. Takes two to make a baby and surely he would know what comes with a baby as he has teenage kids.

You keep being the great mum you’re being and if he can’t hack it then I’m afraid I’d be telling him to pack his bags and leave you to do it alone. It must be hard for you doing it alone anyway but I bet it’s even harder having someone constantly moan and nag and criticise your parenting.

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