Reconstructing self esteem after toxic marriage

[sosososadso]

I’m currently divorcing my husband. During our marriage he slowly dismantled my esteem by constantly criticising my weight and intellect. He would refuse to go anywhere or do any thing with me because ‘he was embarrassed to be seen with me’ Over several years I believe he was actively dating other women, using his flexible work hours as cover. He never admitted it and gaslighted me when I questioned his actions.
I eventually moved out as I could no longer bear his systematic destruction of who I am. No DC’s which made it easier.

While I’m over the initial sadness and shock of my 10 year marriage breaking down, his insults and criticisms still seem to control how I feel about myself. I can’t seem to remove them from my thoughts. I have had all sorts of counselling- psychodynamic, cbt, hypnotherapy but I’ve not found any that works for me.
I’m good at my job and when I suggest to close friends that I have low self esteem they don’t really believe me. So I’m clearly projecting a confident person.
However, I’m sad and lonely and in an endless cycle of tomorrow I’ll change, tomorrow I’ll beginto control my weight ( I am obese!) and practice self care but I continually self destruct.
Does anyone resonate with what I am going through? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to move past this? Any suggestions welcome because at the moment I am not living, I’m existing.

You could be writing about my life. I was married to a narcissist for 18 years, with 2 Dcs.
He criticised me everyday, I was called, fat, ugly, stupid and lazy, doormat,damaged goods , nobody else would ever want me, the typical Narc text book abuser lines.

He has brainwashed me. I have his words echoing around my head. Your hair is frizzy, you have a red face, you are not feminine.

I can't seem to control it. I have had CBT and other therapy, but I still feel like a worthless, unloveable bag of shit.

I have tried meditation, mindfulness, yoga, mantras. I read self help books, watch videos, but I cannot over ride his destructive words.

He was emotionally, physically and financially abusive. I understand about the intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding.

He was having affairs during the marriage that i was also gaslighted over.

He is with his replacement woman and has worldwide holidays, whilst we only ever went camping to France. He is treating her way better than me, which makes me wonder why I got such shitty treatment.

Before I met him I had a career, travelled the world and was independent. I soon ended up codependent and lacking in self esteem and confidence. I realise it is a pattern from childhood and my abusive past, but I also can't seem to get through all that has happened to me.

I seem to have more and more trauma, whilst he is living the high life.

I wish I could help you. I will be interested if anyone has any helpful advice. Somebody recommended the book Homecoming.

I wish I had some ground-breaking advice that would help us both, apart from the fact we married a couple of narcissistic arseholes and we deserved much better.

I feel like I want to jump on a plane and go somewhere and reinvent myself, but I am 50 years old with 2 teenagers to look after.
I also have health problems after living with so much abuse.

I wish I had got away from him.sooner, before i got so beaten down.

I went through Women's Aid last year and did the freedom programme and had counselling with Safer Places.

I hope somebody has some fabulous advice. I wish i could be of more help.

Thank you so much Lexie for sharing your story. It certainly sounds like we have been on very similar journeys.

I wish I too chad the answers for you! Perhaps there is some comfort from knowing that we share the same pain!

It seems so easy- our husbands were complete jerks so why are we still letting them have this power over us? I get so angry with myself that I let it happen but feel powerless to stop it.

I think it’s true what you said- it does feel like we have been brainwashed!

I hope that someone can offer some advice or support on how they got themselves out of this hole. In the meantime, thank you for your support. It means a lot!

Since joining mumsnet,( I've only been on it a month,) I realise in my marriage/life , how much abuse I have put up with and how much gaslighting I endured and how other women would never put up with this behaviour.

Like you, I feel so stupid now for putting up with his terrible behaviour.

The other sad thing is, he never loved me or he wouldn't have treated me like that.

And i now realise I have never been loved. My parents did not love me and neither did he.

I am going to try journaling about my experiences. My daughter said I should write a book, but I think it would make depressing reading!

I am grateful to read about your life and realise I am not the only one.
Sadly mumsnet seems to be full of stories like ours, it is reassuring that we are not alone, but on the other hand it is quite depressing.

If you watch Dr Bruce Lipton on YouTube, he says that we are programmed in the first seven years of life by our parents , when our brain is in theta mode, which is difficult to reprogramme. This will prime us later on in adulthood for abuse.

There is the superficial level to raising self esteem of change hair, clothes go to the gym, get hobbies etc.

I do take comfort in your post and in your reply.I hope you get more replies and I will be watching with interest what people may advise you to do.

Thankyou once again and I am sorry we are in the same boat.

Thanks again lexie. It is quite depressing that there are so many of us! But so nice that you have taken the time to share your experiences,

I think we are very similar in that we understand intellectually what has happened to us and can identity the factors that have led us into this situation and also seem to know all of the advice that tells us how to move on but for some reason that switch just hasn’t been turned on for me and I don’t know how to override my emotions! Maybe it’s just a self destructive mode I can’t overcome.

Maybe we should swap self books- I’ve got a shelf full! I will check out Dr Lipton too.
Thanks for your thoughts. I hope you find your way

Mr again!
DoctorRamani on YouTube just put up a great video called.
When a toxic relationship has turned you into someone you no longer like.

This is definitely worth viewing.

I have her book on narcissists. Called Should I stay or should I go- Surviving a relationship with a narcissist.

We probably should swap bookshelves, I have read so many things and yet it sinks in for a short time and then I am back to square one, feeling bad about myself.
But i suppose that is the childhood programming.